“I hurt you again, Desari. This seems to be a pattern I do not like in myself, I have seen other males in similar dilemmas, yet I thought them fools not to impose their wills on their women. In truth, it was me who was so clearly the fool. I have much to learn.” He meant every word. It bothered him that he had stored centuries of knowledge, knew how to move the earth and command the seas, direct the lightning and clouds, could hunt the most challenging of adversaries, be they animal or vampire, yet he could not meet his lifemate’s needs without hurting her. It was ridiculous. The most important thing in his life, the one person vital to him, the only person who mattered in his existence, and he did not know how to communicate properly with her.
He swam after her, attempting to find words to express himself. How did one strike a balance between safety and play? Even making love out in the open seemed a risk. Yet even now, as they swam across the lake in unison, he ached for her, his body craving hers more and more. It seemed the longer they spent time together, the more intense his hunger for their merging became.
Desari retreated inward. She wasn’t angry with Julian; she could even understand him to a point. She was a woman with deep passions and a quick, intelligent mind. She might choose to follow Darius’s lead, because most times his way was her way. But no one else, not Dayan or Barack, could command her allegiance the way Darius did.
She did not want the same relationship with Julian as she had with her brother. She wanted a partnership, to be considered an equal with him. Desari instinctively knew she could never be truly happy with less. She wanted Julian’s respect, to be able to discuss things and make decisions together, not have him lead while she followed blindly. She had powers of her own; she could be of use to him in times of need if he had faith in her.
Why was it she could see his strength yet he could not see hers?
“Desari?” There was an ache in his voice that sent butterfly wings brushing at her insides. “I know you are upset.” He caught her arm in a gentle grip, halting her flight away from him. His legs treaded strongly in the water, holding them both up, one arm circling her waist, locking her to his larger frame. “Do not turn away from me. If I cannot read your thoughts and know what is important to you, I cannot provide for you.”
Her teeth tugged at her lower lip. Her dark eyes did not meet his golden ones. Even with her face averted, Julian could read the confusion there. She did not want to merge her mind with his. His hand moved up the smooth line of her back to the nape of her neck, his fingers easing the tension from her tight muscles. “I have much to learn, Desari, about the relationship between lifemates. I have such intense emotions—wild and chaotic at times—I feel almost panic-stricken with the fear of losing you or allowing you to come to harm.”
He wrapped his arms tightly around her, holding her against his heart. “Darius was correct when he said I was partially responsible for the success of the assassins’ attack on you. I have replayed it a million times in my mind. In my arrogance, I assumed you and the rest of your troupe were human, and I gave no thought to the distraction my presence would cause. Darius felt my power and was busy trying to detect the undead. Later, when you began to sing, I was so caught up in the colors I saw and the emotions I felt, with the excitement of knowing you were in the world, my lifemate, I could not believe it. I think I stood there frozen, unable to move, in shock. If I had not been so caught up in my own emotions, I would not have allowed any assassin to get close to you.”
His thumb traced the line of her jaw, then moved to brush her lower lip. Just the feel of her made his heart jump. “Desari.” His voice was mesmerizing, playing on her soul so that she could do no other than listen. “I have failed you so often, failed to detect danger to you. In all the centuries I have existed, I have never made such mistakes. The last person I wish to fail is you. Can you not understand what I am saying?”
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