him in his old age, where does he live, in what corner does he stretch out his arms before going to sleep, could I do his job, how should I feel about it? All this together
with my stomachache. Suffered through a horrible night. And yet almost no recollection of it.
In the Restaurant Belvedere on the Strahlau Brücke with E (Erna Bauer, Felice’s sister). She still hopes it will end well, or acts as if she does. Drank wine. Tears in
her eyes. Ships leave for Grünau, for Schwertau. A lot of people. Music. E. consoled me, though I wasn’t sad; that is, my sadness has to do only with myself, but as
such it is inconsolable. Gave me The Gothic Rooms. Talked a lot (I knew nothing). Especially about how she got her way in her job against a venomous white-haired
old woman who worked in the same place. She would like to leave Berlin, to have her own business. She loves quiet. When she was in Sebnitz she often slept all day
on Sunday. Can be gay too.
Why did her parents and aunt wave after me? Why did F. sit in the hotel and not stir in spite of the fact that everything was already settled? Why did she telegraph me:
“Expecting you, but must leave on business Tuesday?” Was I expected to do something? Nothing could have been more natural. From nothing (interrupted by Dr.
Weiss, who walks over to the window)—
27 July. The next day didn’t visit her parents again. Merely sent a messenger with a letter of farewell. Letter dishonest and coquettish. “Don’t think badly of me.”
Speech from the gallows.
Went twice to the swimming pool on the Strahlauer Ufer. Lots of Jews. Bluish faces, strong bodies, wild running. Evening in the garden of the Askanischer Hof. Ate
rice à la Trautmannsdorf and a peach. A man drinking wine watched my attempts to cut the unripe little peach with my knife. I couldn’t. Stricken with shame under
the old man’s eyes, I let the peach go completely and ten times leafed through Die Fliegenden Blätter. I waited to see if he wouldn’t at last turn away. Finally I
collected all my strength and in defiance of him bit into the completely juiceless and expensive peach. A tall man in the booth near me occupied with nothing but the
roast he was painstakingly selecting and the wine in the ice bucket. Finally he lit a long cigar; I watched him over my Fliegende Blätter.
Left from the Lehrter railway station. Swede in shirt sleeves. Strong-looking girl with all the silver bracelets. Changing trains in Buchen during the night. Lübeck.
Hotel Schützenhaus dreadful. Cluttered walls, dirty clothes under the sheet, neglected building; a bus boy was the only servant. Afraid of the room, I went into the
garden and sat down over a bottle of mineral water. Opposite me a hunchback drinking beer and a thin, anemic young man who was smoking. Slept nevertheless, but
was awakened early in the morning by the sun shining through the large window straight into my face. The window looked out on the railway tracks; incessant noise of
the trains. Relief and happiness after moving to the Hotel Kaiserhof on the Trave.
Trip to Travemünde. Mixed bathing. View of the beach. Afternoon on the sand. My bare feet struck people as indecent. Near me a man who was apparently an
American. Instead of eating lunch walked past all the pensions and restaurants. Sat among the trees in front of the Kurhaus and listened to the dinner music.
In Lübeck a walk on the Wall. Sad, forlorn-looking man on a bench. Bustle on the Sportplatz. Quiet square, people on stairs and stones in front of every door.
Morning from the window. Unloading timber from a sailing boat. Dr. Weiss at the railway station. Unfailing resemblance to Löwy. Unable to make up my mind on
Gleschendorf. Meal in the Hansa dairy. “The Blushing Virgin.” Shopping for dinner. Telephone conversation with Gleschendorf. Trip to Marienlyst. Ferry.
Mysterious disappearance of a young man wearing a raincoat and hat and his mysterious reappearance in the carriage on the trip from Vaggerloese to Marienlyst.