mortality
Albert squinted, and then saw what Death had spotted
‘ ‘s some old bugger trudging through the snow,’ he said. ‘Been gathering wood, by
the look of it. A bad night to be out,’ he said. ‘And I’m out in it too, come to that. Look,
master, I’m sure you’ve done enough now to make sure—-
SOMETHING’S HAPPENING DOWN THERE. HO. HO. HO
‘Look, he’s al right,’ said Albert, hanging on as the sleigh tumbled downwards. There
was a brief wedge of light below as the wood-gatherer opened the door of a snow-
drifted hovel. ‘See, over there, there’s a couple of blokes catching him up, look they’re
weighed down with parcels and stuff, see? He’s going to have a decent Hogswatch
after al , no problem there. Now can we go-
Death’s glowing eye sockets took in the scene in minute detail
IT’S WRONG
‘Oh, no … here we go again.
The oh god hesitated
‘What do you mean, you can’t walk through the door?’ said Susan. ‘You walked
through the door in the bar.
‘That was different. I have certain god-like powers in the presence of alcohol.
Anyway
we’ve knocked and she hasn’t answered an
whatever happened to Mr Manners?
Susan shrugged, and walked through th
cheap woodwork. She knew she probably shouldn’t. Every time she did something
like this she used up a certain amount of, wel , normal. And sooner or later she’d forget
what doorknobs were for, just like Grandfather
Come to think of it, he’d never found out what doorknobs were for
She opened the door from the inside. The oh god stepped in and looked around.
This did not take long. It was not a large room. It had been subdivided from a room that
itself hadn’t been al that big to start with
‘ This is where the Tooth fairy lives?’ Bilious said. ‘It’s a bit … poky, isn’t it? Stuff al over the floor … What’re these things hanging from this line?
‘They’re . . . women’s clothes,’ said Susan, rummaging through the paperwork on a
smal rickety table
‘They’re not very big,’ said the oh god. ‘And a bit thin . . .
‘Tel me,’ said Susan, without looking up. ‘These memories you arrived here with …
They weren’t very complicated, were they … ? Ah…
He looked over her shoulder as she opened a smal red notebook
‘I’ve only talked to Violet a few times,’ she said. ‘I think she delivers the teeth
somewhere and gets a percentage of the money. It’s not a highly pai
line of work. You know, they say you can Earn $$$ in Your Spare Time but she says
real y she could earn more money waiting on tables – Al , this looks righ
‘What’s that?
‘She said she gets given the names every week.
‘What, of the children where going to lose teeth?
‘Yes. Names and addresses,’ said Susan, flicking through the pages
‘That doesn’t sound very likely.
`Pardon me, but are you the God of Hangovers? Oh, look here’s Twyla’s tooth last
month.’ She smiled at the neat grey writing. ‘She practical y hammered it out because
she needed the half-dol ar.
‘Do you like children?’ said the oh god
She gave him a look. ‘Not raw,’ she said. Òther people’s are OK. Hold on . . .
She flicked some pages back and forth
‘There’s just blank days,’ she said. ‘Look, the last few days, al unticked. No names.
But if you go back a week or two, look they’re al properly marked off and the money
added up at the bottom of the page, see? And … this can’t be right, can it?
There were only five names entered on the first unticked night, for the previous
week. Most children instinctively knew when to push their luck and only the greedy or
dental y improvident cal ed out the Tooth Fairy around Hogswatch
‘Read the names,’ said Susan
‘Wil iam Wittles, a.k.a. Wil y (home), Tosser (school)
2nd flr bck bdrm, 68 Kicklebury Street
Sophie Langtree, a.k.a. Daddy’s Princess, attic bdrm
5 The Hippo
The Hon. Jeffrey Bibbleton, a.k.a. Trouble in Trouser
(home), Foureyes (school), 1st fir bck, Scrot
Manor, Park Lane-
He stopped. ‘I say, this is a bit intrusive, isn’t it?
‘ It’s a whole new world,’ said Susan. ‘You haven’t got there yet. Keep going.
‘Nuhakme Icta, a.k.a. Little Jewel, basement, The Laughing Falafel, Klatchistan
Take-Away and Al
Nite Grocery, cnr. Soake and Dimwel
Reginald Lilywhite, a.k.a. Banjo, The Park Lane Bul y
Have You Seen This Man? , The Goose Gat
Grabber, The Nap Hil Lurker, Rm 17, YMPA
‘YMPA?
‘It’s what we general y cal the Young-Men’s-ReformedCultists-of-the-Ichor-God-Bel-
ShamharothAssociation,’ said Susan. ‘Does that sound to you like someone who’d
expect a visit from a tooth fairy?
4 No.
‘Me neither. He sounds like someone who’d expect a visit from the Watch.
Susan looked around. It real y was a crummy room, the sort rented by someone who
probably took it never intending to stay Iong, the sort where walking across the floor in
the middle of the night would be accompanied by the crack of cockroaches in a death
flamenco. It wa
amazing how many people spent their whole fives in places where they never
intended to stay
Cheap, narrow bed, crumbling plaster, tiny windo
She opened the window and fished aroun
below the ledge, and felt satisfied when he
questing fingers dosed on a piece of strin
which was attached to an oilcloth bag. She haule
it in
‘What’s that?’ said the oh god, as she opened it on the table
‘Oh, you see them a lot,’ said Susan, taking out some packages wrapped in second-
hand waxed paper. ‘You live alone, mice and roaches eat everything, there’s nowhere
to store food – but outside the window it’s cold and safe. More or less safe. It’s an old
trick. Now … look at this. Leathery bacon, a green loaf and a bit of cheese you could
shave. She hasn’t been back home for some time, believe me.
‘Oh dear. What now?
‘Where would she take the teeth?’ said Susan, to the world in general but mainly to
herself. ‘What the hel does the Tooth Fairy do with—
There was a knock at the door. Susan opened it
Outside was a smal bald man in a long brown coat. He was holding a clipboard and
blinked nervously at the sight of her
‘Er. . .’ he began
‘Can I help you?’ said Susan
‘Er, I saw the light, see. I thought Violet wa
in,’ said the little man. He twiddled the pencil that was attached to his clipboard by a
piece of string. ‘Only she’s a bit behind with the teeth and there’s a bit of money owing
and Ernie’s cart ain’t come back and it’s got to go in my report and I come round in
case … in case she was W or something, it not being nice being alone and il at
Hogswatch-
‘She’s not here,’ said Susan
The man gave her a worried look and shook his head sadly
‘There’s nearly thirteen dol ars in pil ow money, see. I’l have to report it.
‘Who to?
‘It has to go higher up, see. I just hope it’s not going to be like that business in Quirm
where the girl started robbing houses. We never heard the end of that one-
‘Report to who?
‘And there’s the ladder and the pliers,’ the man went on, in a litany against a world
that had no understanding of what it meant to have to fil in an AF17 report in triplicate.
‘How can I keep track of stocktaking if people go around taking stock?’ He shook his
head. ‘I dunno, they get the job, they think it’s al nice sunny nights, they get a bit of
sharp weather and suddenly it’s goodbye Charlie I’m off to be a waitress in the warm.
And then there’s Emie. I know him. It’s a nip to keep out the cold, and then another one
to keep it company, and then a third in case the other two get lost … It’s al going to
have to go down i
my report, you know, and who’s going to get the blame? M tel you—
‘It’s going to be you, isn’t it?’ said Susan. She was almost hypnotized. The man even
had a fringe of worried hair and a smal , worried moustache. And the voice suggested
exactly that here was a man who, at the end of the world, would worry that it would be
blamed on him
‘That’s right,’ he said, but in a slightly grudging voice. He was not about to al ow a bit
of understanding to lighten his day. ‘And the girls al go on about the job but I tel them
they’ve got it easy, it’s just basic’ly ladder work, they don’t have to spend their evenings
knee-deep in paper and making shortfal s good out of their own money, I might add—