the roof and your pil owcase is ful of presents,’ said the Dean
‘Hah, pil owcase,’ said the Senior Wrangler darkly. ‘Hah. I expect your family were th
stuck-up sort that didn’t even open their presents until after Hogswatch dinner, eh?
One of them with a big snooty Hogswatch tree in the hal ?
‘What if—‘ Ridcul y began, but he was too late
‘Wel ?’ said the Dean. ‘Of course we waited until after lunch—
‘You know, it real y used to wind me right up, people with big snooty Hogswatch
trees. And I just bet you had one of those swanky fancy nutcrackers like a big
thumbscrew,’ said the Senior Wrangler. ‘ Some people had to make do with the coal
hammer out of the outhouse, of course. And had dinner in the middle of the day
instead of lah-di-dah posh dinner in the evening.
‘I can’t help it if my family had money,’ said the Dean, and that might have defused
things a bit had he not added, ‘and standards.
‘And big pil owcases!’ shouted the Senior Wrangler, bouncing up and down in rage.
‘ And I bet you bought your hol y, eh?
The Dean raised his eyebrows. ‘Of course! We didn’t go creeping around the country
pinching it out of other people’s hedges, like some people did,’ he snapped
‘That’s traditional! That’s part of the fun!
‘Celebrating Hogswatch with stolen greenery?
Ridcul y put his hand over his eyes
The word for this, he had heard, was ‘cabin fever’. When people had been cooped up
for too long in the dark days of the winter, they always tended to get on one another’s
nerves, although there was probably a school of thought tha
would hold that spending your time in a university with more than five thousand
known rooms, a huge library, the best kitchens in the city, its own brewery, dairy,
extensive wine cel ar, laundry, barber shop, cloisters and skittle al ey was testing the
definition of ‘cooped up’ a little. Mind you, wizards could get on one another’s nerves in
opposite corners of a very large field
‘Just shut up, wil you?’ he said. ‘It’s Hogswatch! That’s not the time for sil y
arguments, al right?
‘Oh, yes it is,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies glumly. ‘It’s exactly the time for sil y
arguments. In our family we were lucky to get through dinner without a reprise of What
A Shame Henry Didn’t Go Into Business With Our Ron. Or Why Hasn’t Anyone Taught
Those Kids To Use A Knife? That was another favourite.
‘And the sulks,’ said Ponder Stibbons
‘Oh, the sulks,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘Not a proper Hogswatch without
everyone sitting staring at different wal s.
‘The games were worse,’ said Ponder
‘Worse than the kids hitting one another with their toys, do you think? Not a proper
Hogswatch afternoon without wheels and bits of broken dol y everywhere and
everyone whining. Assault and battery included.
‘We had a game cal ed Hunt the Slipper,’ said Ponder. ‘Someone hid a slipper. And
then we had to find it. And then we had a row.
‘It’s not real y bad,’ said the Lecturer in Recen
Runes. ‘I mean, not proper Hogswatch bad, unless everyone’s wearing a paper hat.
There’s always that bit, isn’t there, when someone’s horrible great-aunt puts on a
paper hat and smirks at everyone because she’s being so bohemian.
‘I’d forgotten about the paper hats,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘Oh, dear.
‘And then later on someone’l suggest a board game,’ said Ponder
‘That’s right. Where no one exactly remembers al the rules.
‘Which doesn’t stop someone suggesting that you play for pennies.
‘And five minutes later there’s two people not speaking to one another for the rest of
their lives because of tuppence.
‘And some horrible little kid–
‘I know, I know! Some little kid who’s been al owed to stay up wins everyone’s money
by being a nasty little cut-throat swot!’
‘Right!
‘Er . . .’ said Ponder, who rather suspected that he had been that child
‘And don’t forget the presents,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies, as if reading off
some internal list of gloom. ‘How … how ful of potential they seem in al that paper,
how pregnant with possibilities … and then you open them and basical y the wrapping
paper was more interesting and you have to say “How thoughtful, that wil come in handy!’ It’s not better to give than to receive, in my opinion, it’s just less embarrassing.
‘I’ve worked out,’ said the Senior Wrangler, ‘that over the years I have been a net
exporter of Hogswatch presents–
‘Oh, everyone is,’ said the Chair. ‘You spend a fortune on other people and what you get when al the paper is cleared away is one slipper that’s the wrong colour and a
book about earwax.
Ridcul y sat in horrified amazement. He’d always enjoyed Hogswatch, every bit of it.
He’d enjoyed seeing ardent relatives, he’d enjoyed the food, he’d been good at games
like Chase My Neighbour Up The Passage and Hooray Jol y Tinker. He was always
the first to don a paper hat. He felt that paper hats lent a special festive air to the
occasion. And he always very careful y read the messages on Hogswatch cards and
found time for a few kind thoughts about the sender
Listening to his wizards was like watching someone kick apart a dol ‘s house
‘At least the Hogswatch cracker mottoes are fun…?’ he ventured
They al turned to look at him, and then turned away again
‘If you have the sense of humour of a wire coathanger,’ said the Senior Wrangler
‘Oh dear,’ said Ridcul y. ‘Then perhaps there isn’t a Hogfather if al you chaps are
sitting around with long faces. He’s not the sort to let people go around being
miserable!
‘Ridcul y, he’s just some old winter god,’ said the Senior Wrangler wearily. ‘He’s not
the Cheerful Fairy or anything.
The Lecturer in Recent Runes raised his chin from his hands. ‘What Cheerful Fairy?
‘Oh, its just something my granny used to go on about if it was a wet afternoon and
we were getting on her nerves,’ said the Senior Wrangler. ‘She’d say “I’l cal the
Cheerful Fairy if you’re. . .” ‘ He stopped, looking guilty
The Archchancel or held a hand to his ear in a theatrical gesture denoting ‘Hush.
What was that I heard?
‘Someone tinkled,’ he said. ‘Thank you, Senior Wrangler.
‘Oh no,’ the Senior Wrangler moaned. ‘No, no, no!
They listened for a moment
‘We might have got away with it,’ said Ponder. ‘ I didn’t hear anything – . .
‘Yes, but you can just imagine her, can’t you?’ said the Dean. ‘The moment you said
it, I had this picture in my mind. She’s going to have a whole bag of word games, for
one thing. Or she’l suggest we go outdoors for our health.
The wizards shuddered. They weren’t against the outdoors, it was simply their place
in it they objected to
‘Cheerfulness has always got me down,’ said the Dean
‘Welt if some wretched little bal of cheerfulness turns up I shan’t have it for one,’ said
the Senior Wrangler, folding his arms. ‘I’ve put up with monsters and trol s and big
green things with teeth, so I’m not sitting stil for any kind of–
‘Hel o!! Hel o !!
The voice was the kind of voice that reads suitable stories to children. Every vowel
was beautiful y rounded. And they could hear the extra exclamation marks, born of a
sort of desperate despairing jol ity, slot into place. They turned
The Cheerful Fairy was quite short and plump in a tweed skirt and shoes so sensible
they could do their own tax returns, and was pretty much like the first teacher you get
at school, the one who has special training in dealing with nervous incontinence and
little boys whose contribution to the wonderful world of sharing consists largely of
hitting a smal girl repeatedly over the head with a wooden horse. In fact, this picture
was helped by the whistle on a string around her neck and a general impression that at any moment she would clap her hands
The tiny gauzy wings just visible on her back were probably just for show, but the
wizards kept on staring at her shoulder
‘Hel o–‘ she said again, but a lot more uncertainly. She gave them a suspicious look.
‘You’re rather big boys,’ she said, as if they’d become so in order to spite her. She
blinked. ‘It’s my job to chase those blues away,’ she added, apparently fol owing a
memorized script. Then she seemed to ral y a bit and went on. ‘So chins up, everyone,
and lets see a lot of bright shining faces!!
Her gaze met that of the Senior Wrangler, who had probably never had a bright