WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN’T SAVED HIM
‘Yes! The sun would have risen just the same, yes?
NO
‘Oh, come on. You can’t expect me to believe that. It’s an astronomical fact.
THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN
She turned on him
‘It’s been a long night, Grandfather! I’m tired and I need a bath! I don’t need sil iness!
THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN
‘Real y? Then what would have happened, pray?
A MERE BALL OF FLAMING GAS WOULD HAVE ILLUMINATED THE WORLD
They walked in silence for a moment
‘Ah,’ said Susan dul y. ‘Trickery with words. I would have thought you’d have been
more literal-minded than that.
I AM NOTHING IF NOT LITERAL-MINDED. TRICKERY WITH WORDS IS WHERE
HUMANS LIVE
‘Al right,’ said Susan. ‘I’m not stupid. You’re saying humans need… fantasies to
make life bearable.
REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED
FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL
MEETS THE RISING APE
‘Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little-
YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE
LITTLE LIES
‘So we can believe the big ones?
YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING
‘They’re not the same at al !
YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE
FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN
SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET–
Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN
THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME… SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY
WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED
‘Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what’s the point—
MY POINT EXACTLY
She tried to assemble her thoughts
THERE IS A PLACE WHERE TWO GALAXIES HAVE BEEN COLLIDING FOR A
MILLION YEARS, said Death, apropos of nothing. DON’T TRY TO TELL M+
THAT’S RIGHT
‘Yes, but people don’t think about that,’ said Susan. Somewhere there was a bed..
CORRECT. STARS EXPLODE, WORLDS COLLIDE, THERE’s HARDLY
ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE HUMANS CAN LIVE WITHOUT BEING
FROZEN OR FRIED, AND YET YOU BELIEVE THAT A… A BED IS A NORMAL
THING. IT IS THE MOST AMAZING TALENT
‘Talent?
OH, YES. A VERY SPECIAL KIND OF STUPIDITY. YOU THINK THE WHOLE
UNIVERSE IS INSIDE YOUR HEADS
‘You make us sound mad,’ said Susan. A nice warm bed..
NO. YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN’T TRUE. HOW ELSE CAN
THEY BECOME? said Death, helping her up on to Binky
‘These mountains,’ said Susan, as the horse rose. ‘Are they real mountains, or some
sort of shadows?
YES
Susan knew that was al she was going to get
‘Er… I lost the sword. It’s somewhere in the Tooth Fairy’s country.
Death shrugged. I CAN MAKE ANOTHER
‘Can you?
OH, YES. IT WILL GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT
The Senior Wrangler hummed cheerful y to himself as he ran a comb through his
beard for the second time and liberal y sprinkled it with what would turn out to be a
preparation of weasel extract for demon removal rather than, as he had assumed, a
pleasant masculine Scent.23 Then he stepped out into his study
‘Sorry for the delay, but-‘ he began
There was no one there. Only, very far off, the sound of someone blowing their nose
mingling with the glingleglingleglingle of fading magic
The fight was already gilding the top of the Tower of Art when Binky trotted to a
standstil on the air beside the nursery balcony. Susan climbed down onto the fresh
23 It was, in fact, a pleasant masculine scent. But only to female weasels.
snow and stood uncertainly for a moment. When someone has gone out of their way to
drop you home it’s only courteous to ask them in. On the other hand..
WOULD YOU LIKE TO VISIT FOR HOGSWATCH DINNER? said Death. He
sounded hopeful. ALBERT IS FRYING A PUDDING
‘ Frying a pudding?
ALBERT UNDERSTANDS FRYING. AND I BELIEVE HE’S MAKING JAM. HE
CERTAINLY KEPT TALKING ABOUT Fr
‘I… er… they’re real y expecting me here,’ said Susan. ‘The Gaiters do a lot of
entertaining. His business friends. Probably the whole day wil be… I’l more or less
have to look after the children…
SOMEONE SHOULD
‘Er… would you like a drink before you go?’ said Susan, giving in
A CUP OF COCOA WOULD BE APPROPRIATE IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES
‘Right. There’s biscuits in the tin on the mantelpiece.
Susan headed with relief into the tiny kitchen
Death sat down in the creaking wicker chair, buried his feet in the rug and looked
around with interest. He heard the clatter of cups, and then a sound like indrawn
breath, and then silence
Death helped himself to a biscuit from the tin. There were two ful stockings hanging
from the mantelpiece. He prodded them with professional satisfaction, and then sat
down again an
observed the nursery wal paper. It seemed to be pictures of rabbits in waistcoats,
among other fauna. He was not surprised. Death occasional y turned up in person
even for rabbits, simply to see that the whole process was working properly. He’d
never seen one wearing a waistcoat. H
wouldn’t have expected waistcoats. At least
oul
he wouldn’t have expected waistcoats if he hadn’t had some experience of the way
humans portrayed the universe. As it was, it was only a blessing they hadn’t been
given gold watches and top hats as wel
Humans liked dancing pigs, too. And lambs in hats. As far as Death was aware, the
sole reason for any human association with pigs and lambs was as a prelude to chops
and sausages. Quite why they should dress up for children’s wal paper as wel was a
mystery. Hel o, little folk, this is what you’re going to eat… He felt that if only he could
find the key to it, he’d know a lot more about human beings
His gaze travel ed to the door. Susan’s governess coat and hat were hanging on it.
The coat was grey, and so was the hat. Grey and round and dul . Death didn’t know
many things about the human psyche, but he did know protective coloration when he
saw it
Dul ness. Only humans could have invented it. What imaginations they had
The door opened
To his horror, Death saw a smal child of unidentifiable sex come out of the bedroom
amble sleepily across the floor and unhook the stockings from the mantelpiece. It
was halfway back before it noticed him and then it simply stopped and regarded him
thoughtful y
He knew that young children could see him because they hadn’t yet developed that
convenient and selective blindness that comes with the intimation of personal mortality.
He felt a little embarrassed
‘Susan’s gotta poker, you know,’ it said, as if anxious to be helpful
WELL, WELL. INDEED. MY GOODNESS ME
‘I fort – thought al of you knew that now. Larst – last week she picked a bogey up by its nose.
Death tried to imagine this. He felt sure he’d heard the sentence wrong but it didn’t
sound a whole lot better however he rearranged the words
‘I’l give Gawain his stocking and then I’l come an’ watch,’ said the child. It padded
outER… SUSAN? Death said, caling in reinforcements
Susan backed out of the kitchen, a black kettle in her hand
There was a figure behind her. In the half-light the sword gleamed blue along its
blade. Its glitter reflected off one glass eye
‘Wel , wel ,’ said Teatime, quietly, glancing at Death. ‘Now this is unexpected. A
family affair?
The sword hummed back and forth
‘I wonder,’ said Teatime, ‘is it possible to kil Death? This must be a very special
sword and it certainly works here…’ He raised a hand to hi
mouth for a moment and gave a little chuckle. ‘And of course it might wel not be
regarded as murder. Possibly it is a civic act. It would be, as they say, The Big One.
Stand up, sir. You may have some personal knowledge about your vulnerability but I’m
pretty certain that Susan here would quite definitely die, so I’d rather you didn’t try any last-minute stuff.
I AM LAST-MINUTE STUFF, said Death, standing up
Teatime circled around careful y, the sword’s tip making little curves in the air
From the next room came the sound of someone trying to blow a whistle quietly
Susan glanced at her grandfather
‘I don’t remember them asking for anything that made a noise,’ she said
OH, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING IN THE STOCKING THAT MAKES A
NOISE, said Death. OTHERWISE WHAT is 4.30 A.M. FOR
‘There are children?’ said Teatime. ‘Oh yes, of course. Cal them.
‘Certainly not!
‘It wil be instructive,’ said Teatime. ‘Educational. And when your adversary is Death,
you cannot help but be the good guy.