surprising initiative, the man was careful y washing the chalk away
‘Banjo?
‘Yes, miss.
‘You like it here?
‘There’s trees, miss.
That probably counts as a ‘yes’, Susan decided. ‘The sky doesn’t worry you?
He looked at her in puzzlement
‘No, miss?
‘Can you count, Banjo?
He looked smug
‘Yes, miss. On m’fingers, miss.
‘So you can count up to… ?’ Susan prompted. ‘Thirteen, miss,’ said Banjo proudly
She looked at his big hands
‘Good grief.
Wel , she thought, and why not? He’s big and trustworthy and what other kind of life
has he got
‘I think it would be a good idea if you did the Tooth Fairy’s job, Banjo.
‘Wil that be al right, miss? Won’t the Tooth Fairy mind?
‘You… do it until she comes back.
‘Al right, miss.
‘I’l … er… get people to keep an eye on you, until you get settled in. I think food
comes in on the cart. You’re not to let people cheat you.’ She looked at his hands and
then up and up the lower slopes until she saw the peak of Mount Banjo, and added,
‘Not that I think they’l try, mind you.
‘Yes, miss. I wil keep things tidy, miss. Er
The big pink face looked at her
‘Yes, Banjo?
‘Can I have a puppy, miss? I had a kitten once, miss, but our mam drownded it ‘cos it
was dirty.
Susan’s memory threw up a name
‘A puppy cal ed Spot?
‘Yes, miss. Spot, miss.
‘I think it’l turn up quite soon, Banjo.
He seemed to take this entirely on trust
‘Thank you, miss.
‘And now I’ve got to go.
‘Right, miss.
She looked back up the tower. Death’s land might be dark, but when you were there
you never thought anything bad was going to happen to you. You were beyond the
places where it could. But here-
When you were grown up you only feared, wel , logical things. Poverty. Il ness. Being found out. At least you weren’t mad with terror because of something under the stairs.
The world wasn’t ful of arbitrary light and shade. The wonderful world of childhood?
Wel , it wasn’t a cut-down version of the adult one, that was certain. It was more like
the adult one written in big heavy letters. Everything was… more. More everything
She left Banjo to his sweeping and stepped out into the perpetual y sunlit world
Bilious and Violet hurried towards her. Bilious was waving a branch like a club
‘You don’t need that,’ said Susan. She wanted some sleep
‘We talked about it and we thought we ought to come back and help,’ said Bilious
‘Ah. Democratic courage,’ said Susan. ‘Wel , they’re al gone. To wherever they go.
Bilious lowered the branch thankful y
‘It wasn’t that-‘ he began
‘Look, you two can make yourselves useful,’ said Susan. ‘There’s a mess in there.
Go and help Banjo.
‘Banjo?
‘He’s… more or less running the place now.
Violet laughed
‘But he’s-
‘He’s in charge,’ said Susan wearily
‘Al right,’ said Bilious. ‘Anyway, I’m sure we can tel him what to do-
‘No! Too many people have told him what to do. He knows what to do. Just help him
get started, al right? But…
If the Hogfather comes back now, you’l vanish, won’t you? She didn’t know how to
phrase the question
‘I’m, er, giving up my old job,’ said Bilious. ‘Er… I’m going to go on working as a
holiday relief for the other gods.’ He gave her a pleading look
‘Real y?’ Susan looked at Violet. Oh, wel , maybe if she believes in him, at least… It
might work. You never know
‘Good,’ she said. ‘Have fun. Now I’m going home. This is a hel of a way to spend
Hogswatch.
She found Binky waiting by the stream
The Auditors fluttered anxiously. And, as always happens in their species when
something goe
radical y wrong and needs fixing instantly, they settled down to try to work out who to
blame
One said, It was..
And then it stopped. The Auditors lived by consensus, which made picking
scapegoats a little problematical. It brightened up. After al , if everyone was to blame,
then it was no one’s actual fault. That’s what col ective responsibility meant, after al . It was more like bad luck, or something
Another said, Unfortunately, people might get the wrong idea. We may be asked
questions
One said, What about Death? He interfered, after al
One said, Er… not exactly
One said, Oh, come on. He got the girl involved
One said, Er… no. She got herself involved
One said, Yes, but he told her..
One said, No. He didn’t. In fact he specifical y did not tel –
It paused, and then said, Damn”
One said, On the other hand..
The robes turned towards it
Yes
One said, There’s no actual evidence. Nothing written down. Some humans got
excited and decided to attack the Tooth Fairy’s country. This is unfortunate, but
nothing to do with us. We are shocked, of course
One said, There’s stil the Hogfather. Things are going to be noticed. Questions may
be asked
They hovered for a while, unspeaking
Eventual y one said, We may have to take… It paused, loath even to think the word,
but managed to continue… a risk
Bed, thought Susan, as the mists rol ed past her. And in the morning, decent human
things like coffee and porridge. And bed. Real things
Binky stopped. She stared at his ears for a moment, and then urged him forward. He
whinnied, and didn’t budge
A skeletal hand had grabbed his bridle. Death materialized
IT IS NOT OVER. MORE MUST BE DONE. THEY TORMENT HIM STILL
Susan sagged. ‘What is? Who are?
MOVE FORWARD. I WILL STEER. Death climbed into the saddle and reached
around her for the reins
‘Look, I went-‘ Susan began
YES. I KNOW. THE CONTROL OF BELIEF, said Death, as the horse moved forward
again. ONLY A VERY SIMPLE MIND COULD THINK OF THAT. MAGIC SO OLD IT’S
HARDLY MAGIC. WHAT A SIMPLE WAY TO MAKE MILLIONS OF CHILDREN
CEASE TO BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER
‘And what were you doing?’ Susan demanded
I TOO HAVE DONE WHAT I SET OUT TO DO. I HAVE KEPT A SPACE. A MILLION
CARPETS WITH SOOTY BOOTMARKS, MILLIONS OF FILLED STOCKINGS, ALL
THOSE ROOFS WITH RUNNER MARKS ON THEM… DISBELIEF WILL FIND IT
HARD GOING IN THE FAC+
OF THAT. ALBERT SAYS HE NEVER WANTS TO DRINK ANOTHER SHERRY
FOR DAYS. THE HOGFATHER WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO COME BACK TO, AT
LEAST
‘What have I got to do now?
YOU MUST BRING THE HOGFATHER BACK
‘Oh, must I? For peace and goodwil and the tinkling of fairy bel s? Who cares. He’s
just some fat old clown who makes people feel smug at Hogswatch! I’ve been through
al this for some old man who prowls around kids’ bedrooms?
NO. SO THAT THE SUN WILL RISE
‘What has astronomy got to do with the Hogfather?
OLD GODS DO NEW JOBS
The Senior Wrangler wasn’t attending the Feast. He got one of the maids to bring a
tray up to his rooms, where he was Entertaining and doing al those things a man does
when he finds himself unexpectedly tête-à-tête with the opposite sex, like trying to
shine his boots on his trousers and clean his fingernails with his other fingernails
‘A little more wine, Gwendoline? It’s hardly alcoholic,’ he said, leaning over her
‘I don’t mind if I do, Mr Wrangler.
‘Oh, cal me Horace, please. And perhaps a little something for your chic-ken?
‘I’m afraid she seems to have wandered off somewhere,’ said the Cheerful Fairy. ‘I’m
afraid I’m, I’m I’m rather dul company…’ She blew her nose noisily
‘Oh, I certainly wouldn’t say that,’ said the Senior Wrangler. He wished he’d had time
to tidy up his rooms a bit, or at least get some of the more embarrassing bits of laundry
off the stuffed rhinoceros
‘Everyone’s been so kind,’ said the Cheerful Fairy, dabbing at her streaming eyes.
‘Who was the skinny one that kept making the funny faces for me?
‘That was the Bursar. Why don’t you-
‘He seemed very cheerful, anyway.
‘It’s the dried frog pil s, he eats them by the handful,’ said the Senior Wrangler
dismissively. ‘I say, why don’t–
‘Oh dear. I hope they’re not addictive.
‘I’m sure he wouldn’t keep on eating them if they were addictive,’ said the Senior
Wrangler. ‘Now, why don’t you have another glass of wine, and then… and then…’ a
happy thought struck him ‘… and then… and then perhaps I could show you
Archchancel or Bowel ‘s Remembrance? It’s got a-a-a-a very interesting ceiling. My
word, yes.
‘That would be very nice,’ said the Cheerful Fairy. ‘Would it cheer me up, do you
think?
‘Oh, it would, it would,’ said the Senior Wrangler. ‘Definitely! Good! So I’l , er, I’l just go and… just go and… I’l … ‘ He pointed vaguely in the direction of his dressing room,