having one of his Moments.
‘ Something’s cooking. What’s that I can smel ?
‘Me, sir.
‘Old boots muttered the manager. ‘Old boots… old boots… Leather, are they? Not
clogs or rubber or anything?
‘Looks like… just boots. And lots of mud, sir.
The manager took off his jacket. ‘Al right. Cot any cream, have we? Onions? Garlic?
Butter? Some old beef bones? A bit of pastry?
‘Er, yes…
The manager rubbed his hands together. ‘ Right,’ he said, taking an apron off a hook.
‘You there, get some water boiling! Lots of water! And find a real y large hammer! And
you, chop some onions! The rest of you, start sorting out the boots. I want the tongues
out and the soles off. We’l do them… let’s see … Mousse de la Boue dans une Panier
de la Pate de Chaussures…
‘Where’re we going to get that from, sir?
‘Mud mousse in a basket of shoe pastry. Get the idea? It’s not our fault if even
Quirmians don’t understand restaurant Quirmian. It’s not like lying, after al .
‘Wel , it’s a bit like-‘ the waiter began. He’d been cursed with honesty at an early
stage
‘Then there’s Brodequin rôti Façon Ombres .
The manager sighed at the head waiter’s panicky expression. ‘Soldier’s boot done in
the Shades fashion,’ he translated
‘Er… Shades fashion?
‘In mud. But if we cook the tongues separately we can put on Languette braisée, too.
‘There’s some ladies’ shoes, sir,’ said an underchef
‘Right. Add to the menu… Let’s see now… Sole d’une Bonne Femme… and… yes…
Servis dans un Coulis de Terre en I’Eau. That’s mud, to you.
‘What about the laces, sir?’ said another underchef
‘Good thinking. Dig out that recipe for Spaghetti Carbonara.
‘Sir?’ said the head waiter
‘I started off as a chef,’ said the manager, picking up a knife. ‘How do you think I was
able to afford this place? I know how it’s done. Get the look and the sauce right and
you’re threequarters there.
‘But it’s al going to be old boots!’ said the waiter
‘Prime aged beef,’ the manager corrected him. ‘It’l tenderize in no time.
‘Anyway… anyway… we haven’t got any sou%
‘Mud. And a lot of onions.
‘There’s the puddings—
‘Mud. Let’s see if we can get it to caramelize, you never know.
‘I can’t even find the coffee… Stil , they probably won’t last til the coffee…
‘Mud. Cafe de Terre,’ said the manager firmly. ‘Genuine ground coffee.
‘Oh, they’l spot that, sir!
‘They haven’t up til now,’ said the manager darkly
‘We’l never get away with it, sir. Never.
In the country of the sky on top, Medium Dave Lilywhite hauled another bag of
money down the stairs
‘There must be thousands here,’ said Chickenwire
‘Hundreds of thousands,’ said Medium Dave
‘And what’s al this stuff?’ said Catseye, opening a box. ‘ ‘s just paper.’ He tossed it
aside
Medium Dave sighed. He was al for class solidarity, but sometimes Catseye got on
his nerves
‘They’re title deeds,’ he said. ‘And they’re better than money.
Taper’s better’n money?’ said Catseye. ‘Hah, if you can burn it you can’t spend it,
that’s what I say.
‘Hang on,’ said Chickenwire. ‘I know about them. The Tooth Fairy owns property?
‘Cot to raise money somehow,’ said Medium Dave. ‘Al those half-dol ars under the
pil ow.
‘If we steal them, do they become ours?
‘Is that a trick question?’ said Catseye, smirking
‘Yeah, but… ten thousand each doesn’t sound such a lot, when you see al this.
‘He won’t miss a-
‘ Gentlemen…
They turned. Teatime was in the doorway
‘We were just… we were just piling up the stuff,’ said Chickenwire
‘Yes. I know. I told you to.
‘Right. That’s right. You did,’ said Chickenwire grateful y
‘And there’s such a lot,’ said Teatime. He gave them a smile. Catseye coughed
‘ ‘s got to be thousands,’ said Medium Dave. ‘And what about al these deeds and so
on? Look, this one’s for that pipe shop in Honey Trap Lane”
In Ankh-Morpork! I buy my tobacco there! Old Thimble is always moaning about the
rent, too!
‘Ah. So you opened the strongboxes,’ said Teatime pleasantly
‘Wel … yes…
‘Fine. Fine,’ said Teatime. ‘I didn’t ask you to, but… fine, fine. And how did you think the Tooth Fairy made her money? Little gnomes in some mine somewhere? Fairy
gold? But that turns to trash in the morning!
He laughed. Chickenwire laughed. Even Medium Dave laughed. And then Teatime
was on him, pushing him irresistibly backwards until he hit the wal
There was a blur and he tried to blink and his left eyelid was suddenly a rose of pain
Teatime’s good eye was close to him, if you could cal it good. The pupil was a dot.
Medium Dave could just make out his hand, right by Medium Dave’s face
It was holding a knife. The point of the blade could only be the merest fraction of an
inch from Medium Dave’s right eye
‘I know people say I’d kil them as soon as look at them,’ whispered Teatime. ‘And in
fact I’d much rather kil you than look at you, Mr Lilywhite. You stand in a castle of gold
and plot to steal pennies. Oh, dear. What am I to do with you?
He relaxed a little, but his hand stil held the knife to Medium Dave’s unblinking eye
‘You’re thinking that Banjo is going to hel%
you,’ he said. ‘That’s how it’s always been, isn’t it? But Banjo likes me. He real y
does. Banjo is my friend.
Medium Dave managed to focus beyond Teatime’s ear. His brother was just standing
there, with the blank face he had while he waited for another order or a new thought to
turn up
‘If I thought you were feeling bad thoughts about me I would be so downcast,’ said
Teatime. ‘I do not have many friends left, Mr Medium Dave.
He stood back and smiled happily. ‘Al friends now?’ he said, as Medium Dave
slumped down. ‘Help him, Banjo.
On cue, Banjo lumbered forward
‘Banjo has the heart of a little child,’ said Teatime, the knife disappearing somewhere
about his clothing. ‘I believe I have, too.
The others were frozen in place. They hadn’t moved since the attack. Medium Dave
was a heavy-set man and Teatime was a matchstick model, but he’d lifted Medium
Dave off his feet like a feather
‘As far as the money goes, in fact, I real y have no use for it,’ said Teatime, sitting
down on a sack of silver. ‘It is smal change. You may share it out amongst yourselves,
and no doubt you’l squabble and doublecross one another more tiresomely. Oh, dear.
It is so awful when friends fal out.
He kicked the sack. It split. Silver and copper fel in an expensive trickle
‘And you’l swagger and spend it on drink and women,’ he said, as they watched the
coins rol into every corner of the room. ‘The thought of investment wil never cross
your scarred little minds—
There was a rumble from Banjo. Even Teatime waited patiently until the huge man
had assembled a sentence. The result was
‘I gotta piggy bank.
‘And what would you do with a mil ion dol ars, Banjo?’ said Teatime
Another rumble. Banjo’s face twisted up
‘Buy… a… bigger piggy bank?
‘Wel done.’ The Assassin stood up. ‘Let’s go and see how our wizard is getting on,
shal we?
He walked out of the room without looking back. After a moment Banjo fol owed
The others tried not to look at one another’s faces. Then Chickenwire said, ‘Was he
saying we could take the money and go?
‘Don’t be bloody stupid, we wouldn’t get ten yards,’ said Medium Dave, stil clutching
his face. ‘Ugh, this hurts. I think he cut the eyelid… he cut the damn eyelid…
‘Then let’s just leave the stuff and go! I never joined up to ride on tigers!
‘And what’l you do when he comes after you?
‘Why’d he bother with the likes of us?
‘He’s got time for his friends,’ said Medium Dave bitterly. ‘For gods’ sakes, someone
get me a clean rag or something..
‘OK, but… but he can’t look everywhere.
Medium Dave shook his head. He’d been through AnkhMorpork’s very own university
of the streets and had graduated with his life and an intel igence made al the keener
by constant friction. You only had to look into Teatime’s mismatched eyes to know one
thing, which was this: that if Teatime wanted to find you he would not look everywhere.
He’d look in only one place, which would be the place where you were hiding
‘How come your brother likes him so much?
Medium Dave grimaced. Banjo had always done what he was told, simply because
Medium Dave had told him. Up to now, anyway
It must have been that punch in the bar. Medium Dave didn’t like to think about it.