P G Wodehouse – Man Upstairs

Mr. “Skipper” Shute belonged to the last-named of the three classes. He had arrived in England two months previously for the purpose of holding a conference at eight-stone four with one Joseph Edwardes, to settle a question of superiority at that weight which had been vexing the sporting public of two countries for over a year. Having successfully out-argued Mr. Edwardes, mainly by means of strenuous work in the clinches, he was now on the eve of starting on a lucrative music-hall tour with his celebrated inaudible monologue. As a result of these things he was feeling very, very pleased with the world in general, and with Mr. Skipper Shute in particular. And when Mr. Shute was pleased with himself his manner was apt to be of the breeziest.

He breezed into the shop, took a seat, and, having cast an experienced eye at Maud, and found her pleasing, extended both hands, and observed, “Go the limit, kid.”

At any other time Maud might have resented being addressed as “kid” by a customer, but now she welcomed it. With the exception of a slight thickening of the lobe of one ear, Mr. Shute bore no outward signs of his profession. And being, to use his own phrase, a “swell dresser,” he was really a most presentable young man. Just, in fact, what Maud needed. She saw in him her last hope. If any faint spark of his ancient fire still lingered in Arthur, it was through Mr. Shute that it must be fanned.

She smiled upon Mr. Shute. She worked on his robust fingers as if it were an artistic treat to be permitted to handle them. So carefully did she toil that she was still busy when Arthur, taking off his apron and putting on his hat, went out for his twenty-minutes’ lunch, leaving them alone together.

The door had scarcely shut when Mr. Shute bent forward.

“Say!”

He sank his voice to a winning whisper.

“You look good to muh,” he said, gallantly.

“The idea!” said Maud, tossing her head.

“On the level,” Mr. Shute assured her.

Maud laid down her orange-sticks.

“Don’t be silly,” she said. “There-I’ve finished.”

“I’ve not,” said Mr. Shute. “Not by a mile. Say!”

“Well?”

“What do you do with your evenings?”

“I go home.”

“Sure. But when you don’t? It’s a poor heart that never rejoices. Don’t you ever whoop it up?”

“Whoop it up?”

“The mad whirl,” explained Mr. Shute. “Ice-cream soda and buck-wheat cakes, and a happy evening at lovely Luna Park.”

“I don’t know where Luna Park is.”

“What did they teach you at school? It’s out in that direction,” said Mr. Shute, pointing over his shoulder. “You go straight on about three thousand miles till you hit little old New York; then you turn to the right. Say, don’t you ever get a little treat? Why not come along to the White City some old evening? This evening?”

“Mr. Welsh is taking me to the White City to-night.”

“And who’s Mr. Welsh?”

“The gentleman who has just gone out.”

“Is that so? Well, he doesn’t look a live one, but maybe it’s just because he’s had bad news to-day. You never can tell.” He rose. “Farewell, Evelina, fairest of your sex. We shall meet again; so keep a stout heart.”

And, taking up his cane, straw hat, and yellow gloves, Mr. Shute departed, leaving Maud to her thoughts.

She was disappointed. She had expected better results. Mr. Shute had lowered with ease the record for gay badinage, hitherto held by the red-faced customer; yet to all appearances there had been no change in Arthur’s manner. But perhaps he had scowled (or bitten his lip), and she had not noticed it. Apparently he had struck Mr. Shute, an unbiased spectator, as gloomy. Perhaps at some moment when her eyes had been on her work-She hoped for the best.

Whatever his feelings may have been during the afternoon, Arthur was undeniably cheerful that evening. He was in excellent spirits. His light-hearted abandon on the Wiggle-Woggle had been noted and commented upon by several lookers-on. Confronted with the Hairy Ainus, he had touched a high level of facetiousness. And now, as he sat with her listening to the band, he was crooning joyously to himself in accompaniment to the music, without, it would appear, a care in the world.