P G Wodehouse – Man Upstairs

” ‘Hello, Billy!’ says the bird, shrugging his shoulders and puffing himself up. ‘R-r-r-r! R-r-r-r! ‘lo, Billy! ‘lo, ‘lo, ‘lo! R-r WAH!’

“Jerry gives its cage a bang.

” ‘Don’t talk back at me,’ he says, ‘or I’ll knock your head off. You think because you’ve got a green tail you’re someone.’ And he stalks back to his chair and sits glaring at Uncle Dick.

“Well, all this wasn’t what you might call promoting an easy flow of conversation. Everyone’s looking at Jerry, ‘specially me, wondering what next, and trying to get their breath, and Jerry’s frowning at the cold beef, and there’s a sort of awkward pause. Miss Jane is the first to get busy. She bustles about and gets the food served out, and we begins to eat. But still there’s not so much conversation that you’d notice it. This goes on till we reaches the concluding stages, and then Uncle Dick comes up to the scratch.

” ‘How is the fowls, Mr. Moore?’ he says.

” ‘Gimme some more pie,’ says Jerry. ‘What?’

“Uncle Dick repeats his remark.

“Fowls?’ says Jerry. ‘What do you know about fowls? Your notion of a fowl is an ugly bird with a green tail, a Wellington nose, and-gimme a bit of cheese.’

“Uncle Dick’s fond of the parrot, so he speaks up for him. ‘Polly’s always been reckoned a handsome bird,’ he says.

” ‘He wants stuffing,’ says Jerry.

“And Uncle Dick drops out of the talk.

“Up comes big brother, Ralph his name was. He’s the bank-clerk and a dude. He gives his cuffs a flick, and starts in to make things jolly all round by telling a story about a man he knows named Wotherspoon. Jerry fixes him with his eye, and, half-way through, interrupts.

” ‘That waistcoat of yours is fierce,’ he says.

” ‘Pardon?’ says Ralph.

” ‘That waistcoat of yours,’ says Jerry. ‘It hurts me eyes. It’s like an electric sign.’

” ‘Why, Jerry,’ I says, but he just scowls at me and I stops.

“Ralph is proud of his clothes, and he isn’t going to stand this. He glares at Jerry and Jerry glares at him.

” ‘Who do you think you are?’ says Ralph, breathing hard.

” ‘Button up your coat,’ says Jerry.

” ‘Look ‘ere!’ says Ralph.

” ‘Cover it up, I tell you,’ says Jerry. ‘Do you want to blind me?’ Pa Tuxton interrupts.

” ‘Why, Mr. Moore,’ he begins, sort of soothing; when the small brother, who’s been staring at Jerry, chips in. I told you he was cheeky.

“He says, ‘Pa, what a funny nose Mr. Moore’s got!’

“And that did it. Jerry rises, very slow, and leans across the table and clips the kid brother one side of the ear-‘ole. And then there’s a general imbroglio, everyone standing up and the kid hollering and the dog barking.

“If you’d brought him up better,’ says Jerry, severe, to Pa Tuxton, ‘this wouldn’t ever have happened.’

“Pa Tuxton gives a sort of howl.

” ‘Mr. Moore,’ he yells, ‘what is the meaning of this extraordinary behaviour? You come here and strike me child-‘

“Jerry bangs on the table.

” ‘Yes,’ he says, ‘and I’d strike him again. Listen to me,’ he says. ‘You think just because I’m quiet I ain’t got no spirit. You think all I can do is to sit and smile. You think-Bah! You aren’t on to the hidden depths in me character. I’m one of them still waters that runs deep. I’m-Here, you get out of it! Yes, all of you. Except Jane. Jane and me wants this room to have a private talk in. I’ve got a lot of things to say to Jane. Are you going?’

“I turns to the crowd. I was awful disturbed. ‘You mustn’t take any notice,’ I says. ‘He ain’t well. He ain’t himself.’ When just then the parrot outs with another of them squawks. Jerry jumps at it.

” ‘You first,’ he says, and flings the cage out of the window. ‘Now you,’ he says to the yellow dog, putting him out through the door. And then he folds his arms and scowls at us, and we all notice suddenly that he’s very big. We looks at one another, and we begins to edge towards the door. All except Jane, who’s staring at Jerry as if he’s a ghost.