P G Wodehouse – Man Upstairs

And it was at this precise moment, just as the two spectators, reinforced now by eleven other men of sporting tastes, were congratulating themselves on their acumen in having stopped to watch, that Police- Constable Robert Bryce, intruding fourteen stones of bone and muscle between the combatants, addressed to Mr. Shute these memorable words: ” ‘Ullo, ‘ullo! ‘Ullo, ‘ullo, ‘ul-lo!”

Mr. Shute appealed to his sense of justice.

“The mutt knocked me hat off.”

“And I’d do it again,” said Arthur, truculently.

“Not while I’m here you wouldn’t, young fellow,” said Mr. Bryce, with decision. “I’m surprised at you,” he went on, pained. “And you look a respectable young chap, too. You pop off.”

A shrill voice from the crowd at this point offered the constable all cinematograph rights if he would allow the contest to proceed.

“And you pop off, too, all of you,” continued Mr. Bryce. “Blest if I know what kids are coming to nowadays. And as for you,” he said, addressing Mr. Shute, “all you’ve got to do is to keep that face of yours closed. That’s what you’ve got to do. I’ve got my eye on you, mind, and if I catch you a-follerin’ of him”-he jerked his thumb over his shoulder at Arthur’s departing figure-“I’ll pinch you. Sure as you’re alive.” He paused. “I’d have done it already,” he added, pensively, “if it wasn’t me birthday.”

Arthur Welsh turned sharply. For some time he had been dimly aware that somebody was calling his name.

“Oh, Arthur!”

She was breathing quickly. He could see the tears in her eyes.

“I’ve been running. You walked so fast.”

He stared down at her gloomily.

“Go away,” he said. “I’ve done with you.”

She clutched at his coat.

“Arthur, listen-listen! It’s all a mistake. I thought you-you didn’t care for me any more, and I was miserable, and I wrote to the paper and asked what should I do, and they said I ought to test you and try and make you jealous, and that that would relieve my apprehensions. And I hated it, but I did it, and you didn’t seem to care till now. And you know that there’s nobody but you.”

“You-The paper? What?” he stammered.

“Yes, yes, yes. I wrote to Fireside Chat, and Dr. Cupid said that when jealousy flew out of the window indifference came in at the door, and that I must exhibit pleasure in the society of other gentlemen and mark your demeanour. So I-Oh!”

Arthur, luckier than Mr. Shute, was not hampered by a too small silk hat.

It was a few moments later, as they moved slowly towards the Flip-Flap-which had seemed to both of them a fitting climax for the evening’s emotions-that Arthur, fumbling in his waist coat pocket, produced a small slip of paper.

“What’s that?” Maud asked.

“Read it,” said Arthur. “It’s from Home Moments, in answer to a letter I sent them. And,” he added with heat, “I’d like to have five minutes alone with the chap who wrote it.”

And under the electric light Maud read:-

“Answers to Correspondents.

By the Heart Specialist.

Arthur W.-Jealousy, Arthur W., is not only the most wicked, but the most foolish of passions. Shakespeare says:-

It is the green eyrd monster which doth mock

The meat it feeds on

You admit that you have frequently caused great distress to the young lady of your affections by your exhibition of this weakness. Exactly. There is nothing a girl dislikes or despises more than jealousy. Be a man, Arthur W. Fight against it. You may find it hard at first, but persevere. Keep a smiling face. If she seems to enjoy talking to other men, show no resentment. Be merry and bright. Believe me, it is the only way.”

By Advice of Counsel

The traveller champed meditatively at his steak. He paid no attention to the altercation which was in progress between the waiter and the man at the other end of the dingy room. The sounds of strife ceased. The waiter came over to the traveller’s table and stood behind his chair. He was ruffled.

“If he meant lamb,” he said, querulously, “why didn’t he say ‘lamb,’ so’s a feller could hear him? I thought he said ‘ham,’ so I brought ham. Now Lord Percy gets all peevish.”