‘Oh, hullo, Spode old chap, I mean Lord Sidcup old chap. Here we all are, what. Jeeves told me you were here, and Aunt Dahlia says you’ve been knocking the voting public base over apex with your oratory in the Conservative interest. Must be wonderful to be able to do that. It’s a gift, of course. Some have it, some haven’t. I couldn’t address a political meeting to please a dying grandmother. I should stand there opening and shutting my mouth like a goldfish. You, on the other hand, just clear your throat and the golden words come pouring out like syrup. I admire you enormously.’
Conciliatory, I think you’ll agree. I could hardly have given him the old salve with a more liberal hand, and one might have expected him to simper, shuffle his feet and mumble ‘Awfully nice of you to say so’ or something along those lines. Instead of which, all he did was come back at me with a guttural sound like an opera basso 67 choking on a, fishbone, and I had to sustain the burden of the conversation by myself.
‘I’ve just been taking a gnat out of Madeline’s eye.’
‘Oh?’
‘Dangerous devils, these gnats. Require skilled handling.’
‘Oh?’
‘Everything’s back to normal now, I think.’
‘Yes, thank you ever so much, Bertie.’
It was Madeline who said this, not Spode. He continued to gaze at me bleakly. She went on harping on the thing.
‘Bertie’s so clever.’
‘Oh?’
‘I don’t know what I would have done without him.’
‘Oh?’ ‘He showed wonderful presence of mind.’ ‘Oh?’
‘I feel so sorry, though, for the poor little gnat.’
‘It asked for it,’ I pointed out. ‘It was unquestionably the aggressor.’
‘Yes, I suppose that’s true, but…’ The clock on the mantelpiece caught her now de-gnatted eye, and she uttered an agitated squeak. ‘Oh, my goodness, is that the time? I must rush.’
She buzzed off, and I was on the point of doing the same, when Spode detained me with a curt ‘One moment’. There are all sorts of ways of saying ‘One moment’. This was one of the nastier ones, spoken with an unpleasant rasping note in the voice.
‘I want a word with you, Wooster.’
I am never anxious to chat with Spode, but if I had been sure that he merely wanted to go on saying ‘Oh?’, I would have been willing to listen. Something, however, seemed to tell me that he was about to give evidence of a wider vocabulary, and I edged towards the door.
‘Some other time, don’t you think?’
‘Not some ruddy other time. Now.’
‘I shall be late for dinner.’
‘You can’t be too late for me. And if you get your teeth knocked down your throat, as you will if you don’t listen attentively to what I have to say, you won’t be able to eat any dinner.’
This seemed plausible. I decided to lend him an ear, as the expression is. ‘Say on,’ I said, and he said on, lowering his voice to a sort of rumbling growl which made him difficult to follow. However, I caught the word ‘read’ and the word ‘book’ and perked up a bit. If this was going to be a literary discussion, I didn’t mind exchanging views.
‘Book?’ I said. ‘Book.’ ‘You want me to recommend you a good book? Well, of course, it depends on what you like. Jeeves, for instance, is never happier than when curled up with his Spinoza or his Shakespeare. I, on the other hand, go in mostly for who-dun-its and novels of suspense. For the who-dun-it Agatha Christie is always a safe bet. For the novel of suspense…’
Here I paused, for he had called me an opprobrious name and told me to stop babbling, and it is always my policy to stop babbling when a man eight foot six in height and broad in proportion tells me to. I went into the silence, and he continued to say on.
‘I said that I could read you like a book, Wooster. I know what your game is.’
‘I don’t understand you, Lord Sidcup.’
‘Then you must be as big an ass as you look, which is saying a good deal. I am referring to your behaviour towards my fiancee. I come into this room and I find you fondling her face.’