‘Good Lordl ‘ I ejaculated, if ejaculated is the word I want, ‘Are you really writing up that Totleigh business?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘All the stuff about my being supposed to have pinched old Bassett’s amber statuette?
‘Yes, sir.’
‘And the night I spent in a prison cell? Is this necessary? Why not let the dead past bury its dead? Why not forget all about it?’
‘Impossible, sir.’
‘Why impossible? Don’t tell me you can’t forget things. You aren’t an elephant.’ I thought I had him there, but no.
‘It is my membership in the Junior Ganymede which restrains me from obliging you, sir. The rules with reference to the club book are very strict and the penalty for omitting to contribute to it severe. Actual expulsion has sometimes resulted.’
‘I see,’ I said. I could appreciate that this put him in quite a spot, the feudal spirit making him wish to do the square thing by the young master, while a natural disinclination to get bunged out of a well-loved club urged him to let the young master boil his head. The situation seemed to me to call for what is known as a compromise.
‘Well, couldn’t you water the thing down a bit? Omit one or two of the juiciest episodes?’
‘I fear not, sir. The full facts are required. The committee insists on this.’
I suppose I ought not at this point to have expressed a hope that his blasted committee would trip over banana skins and break their ruddy necks, for I seemed to detect on his face a momentary look of pain. But he was broadminded and condoned it.
‘Your chagrin does not surprise me, sir. One can, however, understand their point of view. The Junior Ganymede club book is a historic document. It has been in existence more than eighty years.’
‘It must be the size of a house.’
‘No, sir, the records are in several volumes. The present one dates back some twelve years. And one must remember that it is not every employer who demands a great deal of space.’
‘Demands ‘
‘I should have said “requires”. As a rule, a few lines suffice. Your eighteen pages are quite exceptional.’
‘Eighteen? I thought it was eleven.’
‘You are omitting to take into your calculations the report of your misadventures at Totleigh Towers, which I have nearly completed. I anticipate that this will run to approximately seven. If you will permit me, sir, I will pat your back.’
He made this kindly offer because I had choked on a swallow of coffee. A few pats and I was myself again and more than a little incensed, as always happens when we are discussing his literary work. Eighteen pages, I mean to say, and every page full of stuff calculated, if thrown open to the public, to give my prestige the blackest of eyes. Conscious of a strong desire to kick the responsible parties in the seat of the pants, I spoke with a generous warmth.
‘Well, I call it monstrous. There’s no other word for it. Do you know what that blasted committee of yours are inviting? Blackmail, that’s what they’re inviting. Let some man of ill will get his hooks on that book, and what’ll be the upshot? Ruin, Jeeves that’s what’ll be the upshot.’
I don’t know if he drew himself to his full height, because I was lighting a cigarette at the moment and wasn’t looking, but I think he must have done, for his voice, when he spoke, was the chilly voice of one who has drawn himself to his full height.
‘There are no men of ill will in the Junior Ganymede, sir.’
I contested this statement hotly. ‘That’s what you think. How about Brinkley?’ I said, my allusion being to a fellow the agency had sent me some years previously when Jeeves and I had parted company temporarily because he didn’t like me playing the banjolele. ‘He’s a member, isn’t he?’
‘A county member, sir. He rarely comes to the club. In passing, sir, his name is not Brinkley, it is Bingley.’
I waved an impatient cigarette holder. I was in no mood to split straws. Or is it hairs?