Phule’s Paradise by Robert Asprin

“Events on Lorelei are meticulously chronicled by the media, sir,” he said. “Or is there something specific you require information on?”

There was a long pause on the other end of the conversation.

“Look, Beeker,” the voice came at last, grim but in control. “Are you trying to be cute or do you really not know what’s going on? I just got a call from some old dragon who says she’s holding Willard, and that unless I pony up a hundred million, they’re going to ax him or shove him out an air lock or whatever the hell they do to kill someone out there.”

“I see,” the butler said. “No, Mr. Phule. I assure you this is the first I’ve heard about it.”

“Do you think it’s on the up-and-up?”

“Yes, sir. I believe I know the parties involved, and they do not strike me as the sort to attempt to bluff on something of this magnitude. I’m afraid the probability is quite high both that they have your son and that they’ll kill him if you fail to pay the ransom.”

“Damn it, Beeker! How could this happen? He’s supposed to have a whole troop of soldier boys around him. No-scratch that. From what I hear of this Space Legion, I wouldn’t trust them to guard a piggy bank. But you! How could you let this happen, Beeker? I always thought you were one of the best in the business.”

“I try, sir,” Beeker said, unruffled. “We all do. Your son, however, has a mind of his own as well as an unfortunate flair for the unorthodox. Taking that into account, I’m sure you’ll realize the difficulties involved in watching over him.”