“That was quite natural,” Johanna said. “Please go on, Harper.”
“I was seventeen when I decided that I had to serve.”
“What made you decide?”
“Jimmy Beebe came over to talk to me the day before. The regiment was forming up. He was all fired up to go and get him some Rebs. He gave me his pouch of tobacco and promised he’d share it with me, even-Steven, if I came along. That’s when I knew.”
“Knew what, Harper?”
“That if I didn’t go along, he was going to die.”
Johanna had no doubt that she’d heard him correctly. She paused to consider her next question, listening to Quentin’s muted breathing behind her.
She was glad to have him there, someone who understood what she was doing and could lend a measure of support. Not that she required such support. But she’d missed his company over the past few days, while she’d been so fully occupied with the other patients.
Yes; she could admit it, if only to herself. She’d missed Quentin. His conversation, his grin, his friendship. Oh, they saw each other at meals and during the walks and parlor gatherings, but only in passing. Not even long enough for Quentin to disquiet her with one of his vaguely salacious comments.
She’d recognized the need for distance between them, and had gotten what she wanted. Only it wasn’t what she wanted after all.
What she wanted, and what was right, were two different things.
For Quentin had surprised her once again. He was very good with her father, as he was with May and Oscar. He accepted each of them for what he or she was, expecting no more. He asked nothing for himself, and if not for his complete lack of progress in their sessions, she could not have been more pleased. Pleased… and very much aware of her growing admiration for him.
At least the work that kept her away from Quentin also prevented any more uncomfortable scenes between them. But she couldn’t forget those that had already occurred: the kiss; Quentin’s strange possessiveness on their walk; his fierce, almost violent desire to protect her after the altercation with Irene in the parlor.
The consequences of those moments had not disappeared. They had simply gone dormant, as if waiting for some new spark to bring them back to the forefront of her mind. And emotions.
Emotions she couldn’t afford to dwell on now, no matter how much her heartbeat accelerated at his mere proximity. This was another test of her discipline, and she would not fail it.
She coughed behind her hand. “Harper, you said you thought your friend was going to die.”
“I knew he was going to die,” the soldier said hoarsely. “I saw it in the pouch. It came on me suddenlike. I saw him lying dead on the ground, with the tobacco spilling out, all bloody. And some other boys I knew—they were there, too. All dead.”
Though his voice remained calm, Johanna knew he maintained his self-command by the merest thread. “Remember,” she said, “none of these memories can harm you now. You are safe. Would you describe this knowledge of your friend’s death as a sort of vision?”
“Yes.”
“Had you had such visions before?”
“Yes.” Harper’s throat worked. “Lots of times, but never like this. Small things. I could tell where a horse had been traveling when I shoed him. I knew who Katie Young was going to marry when I held the ring her mother gave her.”
Johanna resisted the impulse to glance back at Quentin to gauge his reaction. “So you could see the past and predict the future.”
“Not always. Never as strong as when I saw Jimmy die. So I signed up with the Twenty-second and went south with the boys.”
“Did you think you could protect them?”
“I don’t know. I just knew I had to go.”
“And what was it like, Harper?”
His voice dropped to a whisper. “It was hell. At first, my friends all were full of pepper and ready to fight. But then we saw how it would be. The endless marching through the mud and freezing nights, no supplies, shoes wearing out. Never enough food. And the battles. The noise.” He lifted his hands to his ears and squeezed his eyes tight. “It never stopped. Jimmy tried to run away. They would’ve shot him as a deserter. I stopped him. And then I knew he was still going to die.”