“It . . . it didn’t work,” she stammered. “Why are you looking at me like that?” Then she screamed out loud: “Why are you looking at me like that?”
Still I could say nothing. She examined her hands, moved her fingers . . .
“Is this me?”
My lips formed her name, and she repeated it as a question – “Rheya?”
She let herself slide off the operating table, staggered, regained her balance and took a few steps. She was moving in a daze, and looking at me without appearing to see me.
“Rheya? But . . . I am not Rheya. Who am I then? And you, what about you?” Her eyes widened and sparkled, and an astonished smile lit up her face. “And you, Kris. Perhaps you too . . .”
I had backed away until I came up against the wall. The smile vanished.
“No. You are afraid. I can’t take any more of this, I can’t . . . I didn’t know, I still don’t understand. It’s not possible.” Her clenched fists struck her chest. “What else could I think, except that I was Rheya! Maybe you believe this is all an act? It isn’t, I swear it isn’t.”
Something snapped in my mind, and I went to put my arms round her, but she fought free:
“Don’t touch me! Leave me alone! I disgust you, I know I do. Keep away! I’m not Rheya . . .”
We screamed at each other and Rheya tried to keep me at arms’ length. I would not let her go, and at last she let her head fall to my shoulder. We were on our knees, breathless and exhausted.
“Kris . . . what do I have to do to put a stop to this?”
“Be quiet!”
“You don’t know!” She lifted her head and stared at me. “It can’t be done, can it?”
“Please . . . .”
“I really tried . . . No, go away. I disgust you – and myself, I disgust myself. If I only knew how . . .”
“You would kill yourself.”
“Yes.”
“But I want you to stay alive. I want you here, more than anything.”
“You’re lying.”
“Tell me what I have to do to convince you. You are here. You exist. I can’t see any further than that.”
“It can’t possibly be true, because I am not Rheya.”
“Then who are you?”
There was a long silence. Then she bowed her head and murmured:
“Rheya . . . But I know that I am not the woman you once loved.”
“Yes. But that was a long time ago. That past does not exist, but you do, here and now. Don’t you see?”
She shook her head:
“I know that it was kindness that made you behave as you did, but there is nothing to be done. That first morning when I found myself waiting by your bed for you to wake up, I knew nothing. I can hardly believe it was only three days ago. I behaved like a lunatic. Everything was misty. I didn’t remember anything, wasn’t surprised by anything. It was like recovering from a drugged sleep, or a long illness. It even occurred to me that I might have been ill and you didn’t want to tell me. Then a few things happened to set me thinking – you know what I mean. So after you met that man in the library and you refused to tell me anything, I made up my mind to listen to that tape. That was the only time I have lied to you, Kris. When you were looking for the tape-recorder, I knew where it was. I’d hidden it. The man who recorded the tape – what was his name?”
“Gibarian.”
“Yes, Gibarian – he explained everything. Although I still don’t understand. The only thing missing was that I can’t . . . that there is no end. He didn’t mention that, or if he did it was after you woke up and I had to switch off. But I heard enough to realize that I am not a human being, only an instrument.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s what I am. To study your reactions – something of that sort. Each one of you has a . . . an instrument like me. We emerge from your memory or your imagination, I can’t say exactly – anyway you know better than I. He talks about such terrible things . . . so far fetched . . . if it did not fit in with everything else I would certainly have refused to believe him.”
“The rest?”
“Oh, things like not needing sleep, and being compelled to go wherever you go. When I think that only yesterday I was miserable because I thought you detested me. How stupid! But how could I have imagined the truth? He – Gibarian – didn’t hate that woman, the one who came to him, but he refers to her in such a dreadful way. It wasn’t until then that I realized that I was helpless whatever I did, and that I couldn’t avoid torturing you. More than that though, an instrument of torture is passive, like the stone that falls on somebody and kills them. But an instrument of torture which loves you and wishes you nothing but good – it was too much for me. I wanted to tell you the little that I _had_ understood. I told myself that it might be useful to you. I even tried to make notes . . . .”
“That time when you had the light switched on?”
“Yes. But I couldn’t write anything. I searched myself for . . . you know, some sign of ‘influence’ . . . I was going mad. I felt as if there was no body underneath my skin and there was something else instead: as if I was just an illusion meant to mislead you. You see?”
“I see.”
“When you can’t sleep at night and your mind keeps spinning for hours on end, it can take you far away; you find yourself moving in strange directions . . .”
“I know what you mean.”
“But I could feel my heart beating. And then I remembered that you had made an analysis of my blood. What did you find? You can tell me the truth now.”
“Your blood is like my own.”
“Truly?”
“I give you my word.”
“What does that indicate? I had been telling myself that the . . . unknown force might be concealed somewhere inside me, and that it might not occupy very much space. But I did not know whereabouts it was. I think now that I was evading the real issue because I didn’t have the nerve to make a decision. I was afraid, and I looked for a way out. But Kris, if my blood is like yours . . . if I really . . . no, it’s impossible. I would already be dead, wouldn’t I? That means there really is something different – but where? In the mind? Yet it seems to me that I think as any human being does . . . and I know nothing! If that alien thing was thinking in my head, I would know everything. And I would not love you. I would be pretending, and aware that I was pretending. Kris, you’ve got to tell me everything you know. Perhaps we could work out a solution between us.”
“What kind of solution?” She fell silent. “Is it death you want?”
“Yes, I think it is.”
Again silence. Rheya sat on the floor, her knees drawn up under her chin. I looked around at the white-enamelled fittings and gleaming instruments, perhaps looking for some unsuspected clue to suddenly materialize.
“Rheya, I have something to say, too.” She waited quietly. “It is true that we are not exactly alike. But there is nothing wrong with that. In any case, whatever else we might think about it, that . . . difference . . . saved your life.”
A painful smile flickered over her face: “Does that mean that I am . . . immortal?”
“I don’t know. At any rate, you’re far less vulnerable than I am.”
“It’s horrible . . . .”
“Perhaps not as horrible as you think.”
“But you don’t envy me.”
“Rheya, I don’t know what your fate will be. It cannot be predicted, any more than my own or any other member’s of the Station’s personnel. The experiment will go on, and anything can happen . . .”
“Or nothing.”
“Or nothing. And I have to confess that nothing is what I would prefer. Not because I’m frightened – though fear is undeniably an element of this business – but because there can’t be any final outcome. I’m quite sure of that.”
“Outcome? You mean the ocean?”
“Yes, contact with the ocean. As I see it, the problem is basically very simple. Contact means the exchange of specific knowledge, ideas, or at least of findings, definite facts. But what if no exchange is possible? If an elephant is not a giant microbe, the ocean is not a giant brain. Obviously there can be various approaches, and the consequence of one of them is that you are here, now, with me. And I am trying my hardest to make you realize that I love you. Just your being here cancels out the twelve years of my life that went into the study of Solaris, and I want to keep you.