“No!”
“Listen Kelvin,” he smiled ruefully, “if that’s how it is, what do you want to do – leave the Station?”
“Yes.”
“With her?”
The silence while he considered his reply also revealed something else. Again, from somewhere close, and without being able to pin it down, I heard the same faint rustling in the cabin, as if through a thin partition.
Snow shifted on his stool.
“All right. Why look at me like that? Do you think I would stand in your way? You can do as you like, Kelvin. We’re in enough trouble already without putting pressure on each other. I know it will be a hopeless job to convince you, but there’s something I have to say: you are doing all you can to stay human in an inhuman situation. Noble it may be, but it isn’t going to get you anywhere. And I’m not so sure about it being noble – not if it’s idiotic at the same time. But that’s your affair. Let’s get back to the point. You renege on the experiment and take her away with you. Has it struck you that you’ll only be embarking on a different kind of experiment?”
“What do you mean? If you want to know whether she can manage it, as long as I’m with her, I don’t see . . .” I trailed to a halt.
Snow sighed:
“All of us have our heads in the sand, Kelvin, and we know it. There’s no need to put on airs.”
“I’m not putting anything on.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to offend you. I take back the airs, but I still think that you are playing the ostrich game – and a particularly dangerous version. You deceive yourself, you deceive her, and you chase your own tail. Do you know the necessary conditions for stabilizing a neutrino field?”
“No, nor do you. Nor does anyone.”
“Exactly. All we know is that the structure is inherently unstable, and can only be maintained by means of a continuous energy input. Sartorius told me that. This energy creates a rotating stabilization field. Now, does that energy come from outside the ‘visitor,’ or is it generated internally? You see the difference?”
“Yes. If it is external, she . . .”
Snow finished the sentence for me:
“Away from Solaris, the structure disintegrates. It’s only a theory, of course, but one that you can verify, since you have already set up an experiment. The vehicle you launched is still in orbit. In my spare moments, I’ve even calculated its trajectory. You can take off, intercept, and find out what happened to the passenger . . .”
“You’re out of your mind,” I yelled.
“You think so? And what if we brought the shuttle down again? No problem – it’s on remote control. We’ll bring it out of orbit, and . . .”
“Shut up!”
“That won’t do either? There’s another method, a very simple one. It doesn’t involve bringing the shuttle down, only establishing radio contact. If she’s alive, she’ll reply, and . . .”
“The oxygen would have run out days ago.”
“She may not need it. Shall we try?”
“Snow . . . Snow . . .”
He mimicked my intonation angrily:
“Kelvin . . . Kelvin . . . Think, just a little. Are you a man or not? Who are you trying to please? Who do you want to save? Yourself? Her? And which version of her? This one or that one? Haven’t you got the guts to face them both? Surely you realize that you haven’t thought it through. Let me tell you one last time, we are in a situation that is beyond morality.”
The rustling noise returned, and this time it sounded like nails scraping on a wall. All at once I was filled with a dull indifference. I saw myself, I saw both of us, from a long way off, as if through the wrong end of a telescope, and everything looked meaningless, trivial, and slightly ridiculous.
“So what do you suggest? Send up another shuttle? She would be back tomorrow. And the day after, and the day after that. How long do you want it to go on? What’s the good of disposing of her if she keeps returning? How would it help me, or you, or Sartorius, or the Station?”
“No, here’s my suggestion: leave with her. You’ll witness the transformation. After a few minutes, you’ll see . . .”
“What? A monster, a demon?”
“No, you’ll see her die, that’s all. Don’t think that they are immortal – I promise you that they die. And then what will you do? Come back . . . for a fresh sample?” He stared at me with bantering condescension.
“That’s enough!” I burst out, clenching my fists.
“Oh, I’m the one who has to be quiet? Look, I didn’t start this conversation, and as far as I’m concerned it has gone on long enough. Let me just suggest some ways for you to amuse yourself. You could scourge the ocean with rods, for instance. You’ve got it into your head that you’re a traitor if you . . .” He waved his hand in farewell, and raised his head as if to watch an imaginary ship in flight. “. . . and a good man if you keep her. Smiling when you feel like screaming, and shamming cheerful when you want to beat your head against a wall, isn’t that being a traitor? What if it is not possible, here, to be anything but a traitor? What will you do? Take it out on that bastard Snow, who is the cause of it all? In that case, Kelvin, you just put the lid on the rest of your troubles by acting like a complete idiot!”
“You are talking from your own point of view. I love this girl.”
“Her memory, you mean?”
“No, herself. I told you what she tried to do. How many ‘real’ human beings could have that much courage?”
“So you admit . . .”
“Don’t quibble.”
“Right. So she loves you. And you want to love her. It isn’t the same thing.”
“You’re wrong.”
“I’m sorry, Kelvin, but it was your idea to spill all this. You don’t love her. You do love her. She is willing to give her life. So are you. It’s touching, it’s magnificent, anything you like, but it’s out of place here – it’s the wrong setting. Don’t you see? No, you don’t want to. You are going around in circles to satisfy the curiosity of a power we don’t understand and can’t control, and she is an aspect, a periodic manifestation of that power. If she was . . . if you were being pestered by some infatuated hag, you wouldn’t think twice about packing her off, right?”
“I suppose so.”
“Well then, that probably explains why she is not a hag! You feel as if your hands are tied? That’s just it, they are!”
“All you are doing is adding one more theory to the millions of theories in the library. Leave me alone Snow, she is . . . No, I won’t say any more.”
“It’s up to you. But remember that she is a mirror that reflects a part of your mind. If she is beautiful, it’s because your memories are. You provide the formula. You can only finish where you started, don’t forget that.”
“What do you expect me to do? Send her away? I’ve already asked you why, and you don’t answer.”
“I’ll give you an answer. It was you who wanted this conversation, not me. I haven’t meddled with your affairs, and I’m not telling you what to do or what not to do. Even if I had the right, I would not. You come here of your own free will, and you dump it all on me. You know why? To take the weight off your own back. Well I’ve experienced that weight – don’t try to shut me up – and I leave you free to find your own solution. But you _want_ opposition. If I got in your way, you could fight me, something tangible, a man just like you, with the same flesh and blood. Fight me, and you could feel that you too were a man. When I don’t give you the excuse to fight, you quarrel with me, or rather with yourself. The one thing you’ve left out is telling me you’d die of grief if _she_ suddenly disappeared . . . No, please, I’ve heard enough!”
I countered clumsily:
“I came to tell you, because I thought you ought to know, that I intend leaving the Station with her.”
“Still on the same tack,” Snow shrugged. “I only offered my opinion because I realized that you were losing touch with reality. And the further you go, the harder you fall. Can you come and see Sartorius around nine tomorrow morning?”
“Sartorius? I thought he wasn’t letting anybody in. You told me you couldn’t even phone him.”