It was about five minutes later, as I was falling into a reverie and brooding once more on the extreme stickiness of my affairs, that Jeeves came in and told me I was wanted on the telephone.
17
I paled beneath my tan. ‘Who is it, Jeeves?’
‘Mrs. Travers, sir.’
Precisely what I had feared. It was, as I have indicated, an easy drive from Totleigh Towers to Brinkley Court and in his exhilarated state Gussie would no doubt have kept a firm foot on the accelerator and given the machine all the gas at his disposal. I presumed that he and girl friend must have just arrived, and that this telephone call was Aunt Dahlia what-the-helling. Knowing how keenly the old bean resented being the recipient of anything in the nature of funny business, into which category Gussie’s butting in uninvited with his Em in attendance would unquestionably fall, I braced myself for the coming storm with as much fortitude as I could muster.
You might say, of course, that his rash act was no fault of mine and had nothing to do with me, but it’s practically routine for aunts to blame nephews for everything that happens. It seems to be what nephews are for. It was only by an oversight, I have always felt, that my Aunt Agatha omitted to hold me responsible a year or two ago when her son, young Thos, nearly got sacked from the scholastic institution which he attends for breaking out at night in order to go and shy for coconuts at the local amusement park. ‘How did she seem, Jeeves?’
‘Sir?’
‘Did she give you the impression that she was splitting a gusset?’
‘Not particularly, sir. Mrs. Travers’s voice is always robust. Would there be any reason why she should be splitting the gusset to which you refer?’
‘You bet there would. No time to tell you now, but the skies are darkening and the air is full of V-shaped depressions off the coast of Iceland.’
‘I am sorry, sir.’
‘Nor are you the only one. Who was the fellow – or fellows, for I believe there was more than one – who went into the burning fiery furnace?’
‘Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, sir.’
‘That’s right. The names were on the tip of my tongue. I read about them when I won my Scripture Knowledge prize at school. Well, I know just how they must have felt. Aunt Dahlia?’ I said, for I had now reached the instrument.
I had been expecting to have my ear scorched with well-chosen words, but to my surprise she seemed in merry mood. There was no suggestion of recrimination in her voice.
‘Hullo there, you young menace to western civilization,’ she boomed. ‘How are you? Still ticking over?’
‘To a certain extent. And you?’
‘I’m fine. Did I interrupt you in the middle of your tenth cocktail?’
‘My third,’ I corrected. ‘I usually stay steady at two, but Pop Bassett insisted on replenishing my glass. He’s a bit above himself at the moment and very much the master of the revels. I wouldn’t put it past him to have an ox roasted whole in the market place, if he can find an ox.’
‘Stinko, is he?’
‘Not perhaps stinko, but certainly effervescent.’
‘Well, if you can suspend your drunken orgy for a minute or two, I’ll tell you the news from home. I got back from London a quarter of an hour ago, and what do you think I found waiting on the mat? That newt-collecting freak Spink-Bottle, accompanied by a girl who looks like a Pekinese with freckles.’
I drew a deep breath and embarked on my speech for the defence. If Bertram was to be put in the right light, now was the moment. True, her manner so far had been affable and she had given no sign of being about to go off with a bang, but one couldn’t be sure that that wasn’t because she was just biding her time. It’s never safe to dismiss aunts lightly at times like this.
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘I heard he was on his way, complete with freckled human Pekinese. I am sorry, Aunt Dahlia, that you should have been subjected to this unwarrantable intrusion, and I would like to make it abundantly clear that it was not the outcome of any advice or encouragement from me. I was in total ignorance of his intentions. Had he confided in me his purpose of inflicting his presence on you, I should have -‘