I gave the man one of my looks. My face was cold and hard, like a School Treat egg. I can’t remember a time when I’ve been fuller of righteous indignation.
‘What I want, Jeeves, is not a slab of wet bread with a dead sardine on it -‘
‘Anchovy, sir.’
‘Or anchovy. I am in no mood to split straws. I require an explanation, and a categorical one, at that.’
‘Sir?’
‘You can’t evade the issue by saying “Sir?”. Answer me this, Jeeves, with a simple Yes or No. Why did you tell Plank to come to Totleigh Towers?’
I thought the query would crumple him up like a damp sock, but he didn’t so much as shuffle a foot.
‘My heart was melted by Miss Byng’s tale of her misfortunes, sir. I chanced to encounter the young lady and found her in a state of considerable despondency as the result of Sir Watkyn’s refusal to bestow a vicarage on Mr. Pinker. I perceived immediately that it was within my power to alleviate her distress. I had learned at the post office at Hockley-cum-Meston that the incumbent there was retiring shortly, and being cognizant of Major Plank’s desire to strengthen the Hockley-cum-Meston forward line, I felt that it would be an excellent idea to place him in communication with Mr. Pinker. In order to be in a position to marry Miss Byng, Mr. Pinker requires a vicarage, and in order to compete successfully with rival villages in the football arena Major Plank is in need of a vicar with Mr. Pinker’s wide experience as a prop forward. Their interests appeared to me to be identical.’
‘Well, it worked all right. Stinker has clicked.’
‘He is to succeed Mr. Bellamy as incumbent at Hockley-cum-Meston?’
‘As soon as Bellamy calls it a day.’
‘I am very happy to hear it, sir.’
I didn’t reply for a while, being obliged to attend to a sudden touch of cramp.
This ironed out, I said, still icy:
‘You may be happy, but I haven’t been for the last quarter of an hour or so, nestling behind the sofa and expecting Plank at any moment to unmask me. It didn’t occur to you to envisage what would happen if he met me?’
‘I was sure that your keen intelligence would enable you to find a means of avoiding him, sir, as indeed it did. You concealed yourself behind the sofa?’
‘On all fours.’
‘A very shrewd manoeuvre on your part, if I may say so, sir. It showed a resource and swiftness of thought which it would be difficult to overpraise.’
My iciness melted. It is not too much to say that I was mollified. It’s not often that I’m given the old oil in this fashion, most of my circle, notably my Aunt Agatha, being more prone to the slam than the rave. And it was only after I had been savouring that ‘keen intelligence’ gag, if savouring is the word I want, for some moments that I suddenly remembered that marriage with Madeline Bassett loomed ahead, and I gave a start so visible that he asked me if I was feeling unwell. I shook the loaf.
‘Physically, no, Jeeves. Spiritually, yes.’
‘I do not quite understand you, sir.’
‘Well, here is the news, and this is Bertram Wooster reading it. I’m going to be married.’
‘Indeed, sir?’
‘Yes, Jeeves, married. The banns are as good as up.’
‘Would it be taking a liberty if I were to ask -‘
‘Who to? You don’t need to ask. Gussie Fink-Nottle has eloped with Emerald Stoker, thus creating a … what is it?’
‘Would vacuum be the word you are seeking, sir?’
‘That’s right. A vacuum which I shall have to fill. Unless you can think of some way of getting me out of it.’
‘I will devote considerable thought to the matter, sir.’
‘Thank you, Jeeves,’ I said, and would have spoken further, but at this moment I saw the door opening and speechlessness supervened. But it wasn’t, as I had feared, Plank, it was only Stiffy.
‘Hullo, you two,’ she said. ‘I’m looking for Harold.’
I could see at a g. that Jeeves had been right in describing her demeanour as despondent. The brow was clouded and the general appearance that of an overwrought soul. I was glad to be in a position to inject a little sunshine into her life. Pigeon-holing my own troubles for future reference, I said: