I arrived in Santa Teresa without incident at two P.M. Since I was home earlier than I’d thought, I went into the office, typed up my notes, and stuck them in the file. I left two phone messages, one for Tasha at her office and one on the Maleks’ home machine. I calculated my hours, the mileage, and miscellaneous expenses, and typed an invoice for my services to which I affixed the receipt for the tuna sandwich. Tomorrow, I’d include it with the typed report of my findings, send a copy to Tasha and one to Donovan. End of story, I thought.
I retrieved my car, unticketed, from an illegal space and drove home, feeling generally satisfied with life. Dietz fixed supper that night, a skilletful of fried onions, fried potatoes, and fried sausages with liberal doses of garlic and red pepper flakes, all served with a side of drab, grainy mustard that set your tongue aflame. Only two confirmed single people could eat a meal like that and imagine it was somehow nutritious. I handled the cleanup process, washing plates, flatware, and glasses, scrubbing out the frying pan while Dietz read the evening paper. Is this what couples did any given night of the week? In my twice-married life, it was the drama and grief I remembered most clearly, not the day-to-day stuff. This was entirely too domestic . . . not unpleasant, but certainly unsettling to someone unaccustomed to company.
At eight, we walked up to Rosie’s and settled into a back booth together. Rosie’s restaurant is poorly lighted, a tacky neighborhood establishment that’s been there for twenty-five years, sandwiched between a Laundromat and an appliance repair shop. The chrome-and-Formica tables are of thriftshop vintage and the booths lining the walls are made of construction-grade plywood, stained dark, complete with crude handgouged messages and splinters. It’s an act of reckless abandon to slide across the seats unless your tetanus shots are current. Over the years, the number of California smokers has steadily diminished, so the air quality has improved while the clientele has not. Rosie’s used to be a refuge for local drinkers who liked to start early in the day and stay until closing time. Now the tavern has become popular with assorted amateur sports teams, who descend en masse after every big game, filling the air with loud talk, raucous laughter, and much stomping about. The regulars, all four bleary-eyed imbibers, have been driven to other places. I rather missed their slurred conversation, which was never intrusive.
Rosie was apparently gone for the night and the bartender was someone I’d never seen before. Dietz drank a couple of beers while I had a couple of glasses of Rosie’s best screw-top Chardonnay, a puckering rendition of a California varietal she probably bought by the keg.
I freely confess it was the alcohol that got me into trouble that night. I was feeling mellow and relaxed, somewhat less inhibited than usual, which is to say, ready to flap my mouth. Robert Dietz was beginning to look good to me, and I wasn’t really sure how I felt about that. His face was chiseled in shadow and his gaze crossed the room in restless assessment while we chatted about nothing in particular. Idly, I told him about William and Rosie’s wedding and my adventures on the road, and he filled in details about his stay in Germany. Along with the attraction, I experienced a low-grade sorrow, so like a fever that I wondered if I were coming down with the flu. At one point, I shivered and he looked over at me. “You okay?” he asked.
I stretched my hand out on the table and he covered it with his, lacing his fingers through mine. “What are we doing?” I asked.
“Good question. Why don’t we talk about that? You go first.”
I laughed, but the issue wasn’t really funny and we both knew it. “Why’d you have to come back and stir things up? I was doing fine.”
“What have I stirred up? We haven’t done anything. We eat dinner. We have drinks. I sleep down. You sleep up. My knee’s so bad, you’re in no danger of unwanted advances. I couldn’t make it up those stairs if my life depended on it.”
“Is that the good news or the bad?”
“I don’t know. You tell me,” he said.
“I don’t want to get used to you.”
“A lot of women can’t get used to me. You’re one of the few who seems remotely interested,” he said, smiling slightly.
Here’s a word to the wise: In the midst of a tender discussion with one woman, don’t mention another one-especially in the plural. It’s bad policy. The minute he said it, I had this sudden vision of along line of females with me standing not even close to the front of the pack. I could feel my smile fade and I retreated into silence like a turtle encountering a dog.
His look became cautious. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m fine. What makes you think there’s anything wrong?”
“Let’s don’t talk at cross-purposes,” he said. “You obviously have something to say, so why don’t you say it.”
“I don’t want to. It doesn’t matter.”
“Kinsey.”
“What?”
“Come on. Just say it. There’s no penalty for being honest.”
“I don’t know how to say it. You’re here for four days and what am I supposed to do with that? I’m not good at being left. It’s the story of my life. Why get enmeshed when all it means is I get to have my heart ripped out?”
He lifted his eyebrows, shrugging with his face. “I don’t know what to tell you. I can’t promise to stay. I’ve never stayed in one place for more than six months max. Why can’t we live in the present? Why does everything have to have a guarantee attached?”
“I’m not talking about guarantees.”
“I think you are,” he said. “You want a lien against the future, when the fact is you don’t know any more than I do about what’s coming next.”
“Well, that’s true and I’m not arguing that. All I’m saying is I don’t want to get involved in an on-again-off-again relationship, which is what this is.”
Dietz’s expression was pained. “I won’t lie. I can’t pretend I’ll stay when I know I won’t. What good would that do?”
I could feel my frustration rise. “I don’t want you to pretend and I’m not asking you to promise. I’m just trying to be honest.”
“About what?”
“About everything. People have rejected me all my life. Sometimes it’s death or desertion. infidelity, betrayal. You name it. I’ve experienced every form of emotional treachery there is. Well, big deal. Everybody’s suffered something in life and so what? I’m not sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but I’d have to be a fool to lay myself open to that shit again.”
“I understand that. I hear you and believe me, I don’t want to be the one to cause you pain. This is not about you. It’s about me. I’m restless by nature. I hate to feel trapped. That’s how I am. Pen me in and I’ll tear the place apart trying to get out,” he said. “My people were nomads. We were always on the move. Always on the road. We lived out of suitcases. To me, being in one spot is oppressive. You want to talk about death. It’s the worst. When I was growing up, if we stayed in one town for long, my old man would get busted. He’d end up in county jail or in the hospital or the local drunk tank. Any school I attended, I was always the new kid and I’d have to fight my way across the school yard just to stay alive. The happiest day of my life was the day we hit the road again.”
“Free at last,” I interjected.
“That’s right. It’s not that I might not want to stay. It’s that I’m incapable of it.”
“Oh, right. ‘Incapable.’ Well, that explains it. You’re excused,” I said.
“Don’t be so touchy. You know what I mean. God almighty, I’m not proud of myself. I don’t relish the fact that I’m a rolling stone. I just don’t want to kid myself and I don’t want to kid you.”
“Thank you. That’s great. In the meantime, I’m sure you have ways of amusing yourself.”
He squinted. “Where did that come from?”
“This is hopeless,” I said. “I don’t know why we even bother with this. You’re addicted to wandering and I’m rooted in place. You can’t stay and I can’t leave because I love where I am. This is your biennial interlude and I’m here for the duration, which means I’m probably doomed to a lifetime of guys like you.”
” ‘Guys like me?’ That’s nice. What does that mean?”
“Just what it says. Emotionally claustrophobic. You’re a basket case. So as long as I’m attracted to guys like you, I can bypass my own-” I stopped short, feeling like one of those cartoon dogs, skidding on a cartoon floor.