The Dark Design by Phillip Jose Farmer

“I felt exalted. For a moment, I was looking into the basic structure of the world. Past the plaster that has been smeared on to make the walls look smooth and even.

“I knew, I knew, that the universe was right. And that I was right. That is, my place in the world was right. I fitted. Though I was a living being, yet I was one of those bricks, and I’d been aligned in the proper place.

“Rather, I’d suddenly become aware that I had been aligned all along. Until that moment I had thought that I was out of place, not quite on a level with the other pieces. But how could I be? All the pieces, the bricks, were misaligned.

“That was my mistake. Everything was in its place. It was my eyesight, my comprehension, rather, that had been twisted. Aber­rated, call it what you will.”

Nur said, “And how long did that state last?”

“A few seconds. But I felt very good, even happy, afterward. The next day, though, I remembered the … revelation … but its effect was gone. I went on living as before. The universe was again a structure built by an incompetent or drunken builder. Or perhaps by a malicious, cheating contractor.

“Still, there were moments …”

“The other experiences?”

“The second should be thrown out. It came from marijuana, not from myself. You see, I’ve smoked perhaps half a dozen marijuana cigarettes in my life. This was during one year, 1955, some time before the younger generation took up drugs. At that time, marijua­na and hash were mostly confined to bohemian groups in the big cities. And to the blacks and Mexicans of the ghetto.

“This particular incident took place, of all places, in Peoria, Illinois. My wife and I had met a couple from New York, Green­wich Village types . . . I’ll explain what this means later . . . and they talked us into trying marijuana. It made me pretty uncomfort­able, downright uneasy, to have the stuff around. I had visions of narcotics agents bursting in, arresting us, being in jail, the trial, the conviction, the penitentiary. The disgrace. And what would happen to our children?

“But alcohol had dissolved my inhibitions, and I tried a joint, as it was called, among other things.

“I had trouble getting the smoke into my lungs and holding it, since I had never even smoked tobacco though I was thirty-seven years old. But I did it, and nothing happened.

“Later that evening, I picked up what was left of the joint and finished it. And this time I suddenly felt that the universe was composed of crystals dissolved in a solution.

“But now I perceived a subtle shift. Suddenly, the crystals in the supersaturated solution were precipitated. And they were all in some kind of beautiful order, rank on rank, like angels drawn up in a parade.

“However, there was no accompanying sense, as on that other occasion, that the universe was right, that I had a place in it, and that the place was right. That it could be no other way.”

“The third time?” Nur said.

“I was fifty-seven then, the sole passenger in a hot-air balloon soaring over the cornfields of Eureka, Illinois. The pilot had just turned off the burner, and so there was no noise except from a flock of pheasants the roar of the burner had disturbed in a field.

“The sun was setting. The bright summerlight was turning grey. I was floating as if on a magic carpet in a light breeze which I couldn’t feel. You can light a candle in the open car in a strong wind, you know, and the flame will burn as steadily as if in an unventilated room.

“And suddenly, without warning, I felt as if the sun had come back up over the horizon. Everything was bathed in a bright light in which I should have had to squint my eyes to see anything.

“But I didn’t. The light was coming from within. I was the flame, and the universe was receiving my light and my warmth.

“In a second, maybe longer, the light disappeared. It did not fade away. It just vanished. But for another second the feeling that the world was right, that no matter what happened, to me or to any­body or to the universe, it would be good, that feeling lasted for a second.