“Terrific,” sighed Ford. The Face remained motionless.
“Well?” Asked Zaphod. “Let’s have some help, oh happy hologram.”
“I am an incredible liar.” Stated the Face.
“Which door is safe?” Asked Arthur.
“The left door is perfectly safe,” said the Face.
“If he said he was a liar then that was the truth, so the right door must be safe,” said Arthur, heading towards the door.
“Wait!” Yelled Ford. “I’m not sure. If he lied about being a liar, then the left door is perfectly safe. Let’s make an effort to get our heads around this concept.”
“Listen, all I want to get my heads around is a stiff drink, preferably served by a wench with obscene tendencies,” said Zaphod. “Let Arthur go.”
“What?” Shouted Arthur. “I could die!”
“You could save the life of the editor of the Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, man!” Retorted Zaphod. “Get your priorities right. Sheesh, your grip of universal importance is as good as my grip on Eccentrica Gallumbits’ bits at this very moment in time. We could both do with taking things in hand a bit more.”
“Look, petty in-fighting won’t help us,” said Ford, trying to calm things down.
“Why not?” Said Arthur. “That’s all this poor excuse for an intergalactic waste disposal unit in reverse seems to show any aptitude for.”
“Listen pal, if we’re talking about aptitude, let me get a banana and see if you can manage to peel it without scratching your arse thinking about it,” snarled Zaphod.
“Will you two just give it a rest,” pleaded Ford. “Let’s just devote our energy to solving this problem. Now let’s think.”
CHAPTER 58
Marvin, Trillian, Fenchurch and Bolo had finally reached the main computer room. An imposing oak door barred the way.
“Only executives are allowed to enter,” said Marvin. “I’ll go into a interface room to get us in.”
“How?” Asked Bolo.
“Because he’s got the brain the size of a planet,” said Trillian. “Beat you to it, Marvin.”
“I wasn’t going to say it anyway,” said Marvin. “I was going to say that the executives are as stupid as all other life forms. A digital watch could get in without too much trouble.” He went into the interface room.
“He seemed to cheer up a bit after he killed Percival,” remarked Fenchurch.
“Remember he’s in a new body,” said Trillian. “He’s probably found a pleasure circuit and doesn’t know what to do with it.”
They all stared at the door. Nothing happened. Well that wasn’t strictly true. The high level of static acid given off by Marvin’s attitude was eating its way into the door. The acid gnawed and corroded the helpless door. However, as this was invisible to the naked or even half dressed eye and total corrosion would take 1.347 million years (thirty years short of redecoration which would reverse the process), it would be fair to say that as far as Fenchurch, Bolo and Trillian were concerned, nothing happened. Trillian went over to the interface room, opened the door and was shocked. A female android was spreadeagled on a table, with Marvin perched precariously on top.
“Do you mind?” Said Marvin.
Trillian muttered a very apologetic apology and shut the door. She was tempted to open the door again just to prove to herself that reality hadn’t gone AWOL. After a minute Marvin opened the door and shut it behind him.
“Haven’t you ever seen a robot interfacing before?” Asked Marvin.
Trillian mouth was stuck in neutral but she managed to gesture a negative response.
“I’d like to tell you about the bugs and the bytes and explain the difference between male and female interface plugs,” said Marvin. “But it’s dead boring.”
“The door’s open!” Said Fenchurch.
“And life is dull,” said Marvin. “Why state the obvious?”
What was not obvious to most life forms and could be considered one of the Universes best kept secrets is the fact that robots and computers can enjoy a healthy sex life. Computers have often been connected together in the light of the improved performance. This is not due to shared resources, the truth of the matter being that they perform better because they are more relaxed and satisfied after a good bout of interfacing. Robots have often wondered why it’s never been taken up in life form work places in place of say, a coffee break. Considering the poor quality of coffee available in such workplaces, this has always been a mystery. Still, the robots don’t let on as it give them another reason to snigger. As with most functions performed by computers and robots, a complete set of jargon words have been devised to confuse the layman. A basic translation list now follows (all those of a nervous or prudish disposition, or those who just want to get on with the story, should skip this section).