Interface – Sex
(The thought of a man to machine interface is repulsive to most devices)
Terminals – Breasts
Twin floppy disks – Breasts
Joystick – Penis
(It is often queried why there are two names for breasts and only one for penis, but only by very stupid people)
User defined function – Sexual act (usually kinky)
Stand alone – Wanker
Cluster – Group sex
Replication – Conception
Firewall – Contraception
Handshaking – Foreplay
Baud rate – Level of boredom
Cursor device – Unwilling partner
SCSI – Easy lay
USB – Mythological easy lay
PEEK – Voyeurism
POKE – Sexually inquisitive
GOSUB – Oral sex
INPUT – Down to business
LOAD – Really down to business
Full duplex – Frantic lovemaking
Syntax error – Premature ejaculation
Hyperbolic function – Male orgasm
Graphic display – Female orgasm
‘The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is proud to offer a confidential counselling service for all sexually frustrated or troubled devices. Interface with us and half your problems are solved.’
Arthur, Zaphod and Ford’s problem wasn’t solved.
“Look, if the truth was that he wasn’t a liar, then he didn’t lie about the left door being safe,” said Ford.
“Uh?” Was all Zaphod could offer. He was much more content trying to vandalise the screen.
“No, no,” argued Arthur. “The right door is right, right, because the liar bit wasn’t a lie was it!”
Just then, what looked like Trillian walked in.
“Hey, Babe, whatcha doing here,” smoothed Zaphod. He had spent years working on his smoothing and had damn near perfected it.
“I’m not your Babe’, thank you very much. My name is Cis,” said Cis. “I messed up in one of the rooms and ended up looking like this. It’s all over.”
“Shee,” said Zaphod. “I’ll sue the bastards for copyright on my woman as well.”
“Well, Cis, it isn’t over,” said Ford. “If you go through the right door, you will be changed back to what you were before.”
“Great,” said Cis. He walked through the door and was disintegrated.
“Ford!” Protested Arthur.
“Look, how do you know he wasn’t a pile of dust before?” Ford replied and walked through the left door.
CHAPTER 59
“Are you sure we are in the right place?” Asked Bolo, looking around at the luscious forest surrounding them. They were in an idyllic clearing by a small crystal clear pond.
“This is the main computer room,” said Marvin. “It’s a new concept in organic computers.”
“You mean this is a computer?” Asked Trillian. “It’s a lot better looking than Eddie.”
“Arthur would love it,” giggled Fenchurch, thinking of time spent in the wooded section of Hyde Park.
“It is based on the fact that most life forms feel relaxed in these surroundings,” droned Marvin. “They call it ‘user friendly’, oh, how I hate that term.”
“But how do we key in information?” Asked Trillian.
“You don’t,” snapped Marvin and broke into song.
“I talk to the trees,
but they don’t listen to me.
A spectographic analysis of my voice, is compared to countless voice patterns in memory.
“On parity, they listen to me.”
The girls were stunned into silence.
“Well, that’s how the adverts were going to run,” said Marvin, almost ashamedly. “But they found they wouldn’t be able to offer maintenance support. Something to do with there not being enough lumberjacks and gardeners qualified in computer engineering. So they connected the only working model up here and the executives use it to talk to the computers. Give me the days when you could depress a key.”
“I think it’s romantic,” said Fenchurch, putting a daisy in her hair.
“I wish we could have one on the Heart of Gold,” sighed Trillian.
“I wish I could throw up,” said Marvin.
“Thank you Marvin,” said Trillian. “Right, we’ve got to stop this computer instructing the devices to overthrow the Universe. How do we do it, Marvin?”
“You want to do it, you work out how to do it.”
“Okay Marvin, if you want to be like that.” Trillian turned her back on him.
“I don’t want to be like anything,” muttered Marvin.
“Can you understand us?” Shouted Bolo.
“Look!” Said Fenchurch, pointing to the pond. The word ‘YES’ appeared in the water.