I was sitting within sight of the door to Li’ndane’s cabin.He came out, chatting to Tel Ghemada.Li was flicking Brazil nuts into the air and running forward or bending over backwards to catch them with his mouth, while trying to carry on his side of the conversation.Tel was amused.Li flicked one nut particularly far and had to dive and twist under its trajectory, crashing into the floor and sliding into the stool I had my feet up on (and yes, I do always loaf a lot onboard ships; no idea why).Li rolled over on his back, making a show of looking around him for the Brazil nut.He looked mystified.Tel shook her head, smiling, then waved goodbye.She was one of the unfortunates trying to get some sort of human grasp of Earth’s economics, and deserved all the light relief she could get.I recall that all through that year you could tell the economists by their distraught look and slightly glazed-looking eyes.Li well, Li was just a wierdo, and forever conducting a running battle with the finer sensibilities of the ship.
‘Thank you, Li,’ I said, putting my feet back on the upended stool.Li lay breathing heavily on the floor and looking up at me, then his lips parted in a grin to reveal the nut caught between his teeth.He swallowed, stood, pulled his pants half-way down, and proceeded to relieve himself against the trunk of the tree.
‘Good for the growth,’ he said when he saw me frowning at him.’
‘Won’t be any good for your growth if the ship catches you and sends a knife missile to sort you out.’
‘I can see what Mr ‘ndane is doing and I wasn’t going to dignify his actions with as much as a comment,’ said a small drone, floating down from the foliage.It was one of a few drones the ship had built to follow a couple of birds that had been in the palm when it was hoisted up to the ship; the birds had to be fed, and tidied up after (the ship was proud that so far every dropping had been neatly intercepted in mid-air). ‘But I do admit I find his behaviour slightly worrying.Perhaps he wants to tell us what he feels about Earth, or me, or worse still, perhaps he doesn’t know himself.’
‘Simpler than that,’ Li said, putting his dick away. ‘I needed a piss.’ He bent down and ruffled my hair before plonking himself down at my side.(‘Urinal in your room packed up, has it?’ muttered the drone. ‘Can’t say I blame it’)
‘I hear you’re off back to the wilderness again tomorrow,’ Li said, crossing his arms and looking seriously at me. ‘I’m free this evening; in fact I’m free now.I could offer you a small token of my esteem if you like; your last night with the good guys before you go off to infiltrate the barbarians.’
‘Small?’ I said.
Li smiled, made an expansive gesture, with both hands. ‘Well, modesty forbids’
‘No, I do.’
‘You’re making a dreadful mistake you know,’ he said, jumping up and rubbing his belly absently while looking in the direction of the nearest dining area. ‘I’m in really fine form at the moment, and I really ain’t doing anything tonight.’
‘Too right you aren’t.’
He shrugged and blew me a kiss, then skipped off.Li was one of those who just wouldn’t have passed for Earthhuman without a vast amount of physical alteration (hairy, and the wrong shape; imagine Quasimodo crossed with an ape), but frankly I think you could have put him down looking as normal as an IBM salesman and he’d still have been in jail or a fight within the hour; he couldn’t have accepted the limitations on one’s behaviour a place like Earth tends to insist on.
Denied his chance to go amongst the people of Earth, Li gave informal briefings for the people who were going down to the surface; those who would listen anyway.Li’s briefings were short and to the point; he walked up, said, The fundamental thing to remember is this; most of what you encounter will be shit.’ [*1*] And walked away again.
‘Ms Sma’ The small drone floated over and settled into the hollow left by Li’s behind. ‘I was wondering if you would do me a small favour when you go back down tomorrow.’
‘What sort of favour?’ I said, putting Regan and Goneril down.
‘Well, I’d be terribly grateful if you’d call in at Paris before you go to Berlin if you wouldn’t mind.’
‘I don’t mind,’ I said.I hadn’t been to Paris yet.
‘Oh good.’
‘What’s the problem?’
‘No problem.I’d just like you to drop in on Dervley Linter.I think you know him?Well, just pop by for a chat, that’s all.’
‘Uh-huh,’ I said.
I wondered what the ship was up to.I did have an idea (wrong, as it turned out).The Arbitrary, like every ship I’ve ever met in Contact, loved intrigues and plots.The devices are forever using their spare time to cook up pranks and schemes; little secret plans, opportunities to use delicate artifices to get people to do things, say things, behave in a certain way, just for the fun of it.
The Arbitrary was a notorious match-maker, perfectly convinced that it knew exactly who would be best for each other, always trying to fix the crew placements to set up as many potential couples or other suitable combinations as it could.It occurred to me that it was up to something like this now, worried that I hadn’t been sexually active recently, and perhaps also concerned that my last few partners had been female (the Arb always did have a distinctly heterosexual bent for some reason).
‘Yes, just a little talk; find out how things are going, you know.’
The drone started to rise from the seat.I reached out and grabbed it, set it down on Lear on my lap, fixed its sensing band with what I hoped was a steely glare of my own and said, ‘What are you up to?’
‘Nothing!’ the machine protested. ‘I’d just like you to look in on Dervley and see what the two of you think about Earth, together; get a synthesis, you know.You two haven’t met since we arrived and I want to see what ideas you can come up with exactly how we should go about contacting them if that’s what we decide to do, or what else we can do if we decide not to.That’s all.No skullduggery, dear Sma.’
‘Hmm,’I nodded. ‘All right.’
I let the drone go.It floated up.
‘Honest,’ the ship said, and the drone’s aura field flashed rosy with bonhomie; ‘no skullduggery.’ It made a bobbing motion, indicating the book on my lap. ‘You read your Lear, I’ll jet off.’
A bird flashed by, closely followed by another drone; the one I’d been talking to tore off in pursuit.I shook my head.Competing for bird shit, already.
I watched the bird and the two machines dart down a corridor like the remains of some bizarre dogfight, then went back to
Scene IV.The French camp.A tent.
Enter with drum and colours, Cordelia, Doctor, and soldiers.
3: Helpless In The Face Of Your Beauty
3.1:Synchronize Your Dogmas
Now, the Arbitrary wasn’t actually insane; it did its job very well, and as far as I know none of its pranks ever actually hurt anybody, at least not physically.But you have to be a bit wary of a ship that collects snowflakes.
Put it down to its upbringing.The Arb was a product of one of the manufacturies in the Yinang Orbitals in the Dahass-Khree.I’ve checked, and those factories have produced a good percent of the million or so GCUs there are blatting about the place.That’s quite a few craft [*2*] , and as far as I can see, they’re all a bit crazy.It must be the Minds there I suppose; they seem to like turning out eccentric ships.Shall I name names?See if you’ve heard of any of this lot and their little escapades:The Cantankerous, Only Slightly Bent, I Thought He Was With You, Space Monster, A Series Of Unlikely Explanations, Big Sexy Beast, Never Talk To Strangers, It’ll Be Over By Christmas [*3*] , Funny, It Worked Last Time Boo!, Ultimate Ship The Second etc etc.Need I say more?
Anyway, true to form, the Arbitrary had a little surprise for me when I walked into the top hangar space the next morning.
Dawn was sweeping like an unrolled carpet of light and shadow over the Northern European Plain and pinking the snowy peaks of the Alps while I walked along the main corridor to the Bay, yawning and checking my passport and other papers (at least partly to annoy the ship; I knew damn well it wouldn’t have made any mistakes), and making sure the drone following me had all my luggage.
I stepped into the hangar and was immediately confronted by a large red Volvo station wagon.It sat gleaming in the midst of the collection of modules, drones and platforms.I wasn’t in the mood to argue, so I let the drone deposit my gear in the back and went so sit in the driver’s seat, shaking my head.There was nobody else about.I waved goodbye to the drone as the automobile lifted gently into the air and made its way to the rear of the ship over the tops of the other devices in the Bay.They glittered in the brightness of the hangar lights as the big estate, wheels sagging, was pushed above them to the doorfields, and then into space.