‘How the hell did you know that?’
‘Well, several reasons, sir, but I couldn’t help noticing that you clenched your fist tightly as soon as you heard me, and I surmise therefore that you found – let me see – three dollars left in the chicken house. Three dollars would buy six fine birds in AnkhMorpork.’
The man opened his fist, wordlessly. The coins glinted in the sunlight.
‘But … but I sells ‘em at the gate for tenpence!’ he wailed. ‘They only had to arsk!’
‘Probably didn’t want to bother you,’ said the horseman. ‘Since I am here, sir, I would be grateful if you could sell me a chicken-‘
Behind the farmer the dog said, ‘Woof woof!’
‘-two chickens, and I will not trespass further upon your time.’
‘Woof woof woof.’
‘Three chickens,’ said the rider wearily. ‘And if you have them dressed and cooked while I tend to my horse I will gladly pay a dollar each.’
‘Woof, woof.’
‘Without garlic or any seasoning on two of the chickens, please,’ said the rider.
The farmer nodded wordlessly. A dollar a chicken wasn’t chickenfeed. You didn’t turn up your nose at an offer like that. But most importantly, you didn’t disobey a man with that faint little smile on his face. It didn’t seem to move or change. As smiles went, you wanted this one to go as far away as possible.
He hurried off to the yard that held his best fowls, reached down to select the fattest … and paused. A man who was mad enough to pay a dollar for a ,good chicken might be quite content with just a reasonable chicken, after all. He stood up.
‘Only the best, mister.’
He spun around. There was no one except the little scruffy dog, which had followed him and was now raising a cloud of dust as it scratched itself.
‘Woof?’ it said.
He threw a stone at it and it trotted off. Then he selected three of the very best chickens.
Carrot was lying down under a tree, trying to make his head comfortable on a saddlebag.
‘Did you see where she’d almost rubbed out her footprints in the dust?’ said Gaspode.
‘Yes,’ said Carrot, closing his eyes.
‘Does she always pay for chickens?’
‘Yes.’
,Whys,
Carrot turned over. ‘Because animals don’t.’
Gaspode looked at the back of Carrot’s head. On the whole he enjoyed the unusual gift of speech, but something about the reddening of Carrot’s ears told him that this was the time to employ the even rarer gift of silence.
He settled down in the pose he almost unconsciously categorized as Faithful Companion Keeping Watch, got bored, scratched himself absentmindedly, curled up in the pose-known as Faithful Companion Curled Up With His Nose Pressed On His Bottom*, and fell asleep.
He awoke shortly afterwards to the sound of voices. There was also a faint smell of roast chicken coming from the direction of the farmhouse.
Gaspode rolled over and saw the farmer talking to another man on a cart. He listened for a moment and then sat up, locked in a metaphysical conundrum.
Finally he woke Carrot by licking his ear.
*One that no other creature in the world would ever adopt.
‘Fzwl … What?’
‘You got to promise to collect the roast chicken first, all right?’ said Gaspode urgently.
‘What?’ Carrot sat up.
‘Get the chickens and then we gotta go, right? You gotta promise.’
‘All right, all right, I promise. What’s happening?’
‘You ever heard of a town called Scant Cullot?’
‘I think it’s about ten miles from here.’
‘One of Mister Farmer’s neighbours has just told him that they’ve caught a wolf there.’
‘Killed it?’
‘No, no, no, but the wolf-hunters … there’s wolf-hunters in these parts, see, ‘cos of the sheep up on the hills and . . they have to train their dogs first remember you promised about the chickens!’
At precisely eleven o’clock there was a smart rap on Lord Vetinari’s door. The Patrician gave the woodwork a puzzled frown. At last he said: ‘Come.’
Fred Colon entered with difficulty. Vetinari watched him for a few moments until pity overcame even him.
‘Acting captain, it is not necessary to remain to attention at all times,’ he said kindly. ‘You are allowed to unbend enough for the satisfactory manipulation of a doorknob.’
‘Yes, sah!’
Lord Vetinari raised a hand to his ear protectively. ‘You may be seated.’
‘Yes, sah!’
‘You may be quieter, too.’
‘Yes, sah!’
Lord Vetinari retreated to the protection of his desk. ‘May I commend you on the gleam of your armour, acting captain-‘
‘Spit and polish, sah! No substitute for it, sah!’ Sweat was streaming down Colon’s face.
‘Oh, good. Clearly you have been purchasing extra supplies of spit. Now then, let me see …’ Lord Vetinari drew a sheet of paper from one of the small stacks in front of him.
‘Now then, acti-‘
‘Sah!’
‘To be sure. I have here another complaint of over-enthusiastic clamping. I’m sure you know to what I refer.’
‘It was causing serious traffic congestion, sah!’
‘Quite so. It is well known for it. But it is, in fact, the opera house.’
‘Sah!’
‘The owner feels that big yellow clamps at each corner detract from what I might call the tone of the building. And, of course, they do prevent him from driving it away.’
‘Sah!’
‘Indeed. I think that this is a case where discretion might be advisable, acting captain!’
‘Got to make an example to the others, sah!’
‘Ah. Yes.’ The Patrician held another piece of paper delicately between thumb and forefinger, as though it was some rare and strange creature. ‘The others being … let me see if I can recall, some things do stick in the mind so … ah, yes … three other buildings, six fountains, three statues and the gibbet in Nonesuch Street. Oh, and my own palace.’
‘I fully understand you’re parked on business, sah!’
Lord Vetinari paused. He found it difficult to talk to Frederick Colon. He dealt on a daily basis with people who treated conversation as a complex game, and with Colon he had to keep on adjusting his mind in case he overshot.
‘Pursuing the business of your recent career with, I have to admit, some considerable and growing fascination, I am moved to ask you why the Watch now appears to have a staff of twenty.’
‘Sah?’
‘You had around sixty a little while ago, I’m sure.’
Colon mopped his face. ‘Cutting out the dead wood, sah! Making the Watch leaner an’ fitter, sah!’
‘I see. The number of internal disciplinary charges you have laid against your men’ – and here the Patrician picked up a much thicker document – ‘seems somewhat excessive. I see no fewer than one hundred and seventy-three offences of eyeballing, earlobing and nostrilling, for example.’
‘Sah!’
‘Nostrilling, acting captain?’
‘Sah!’
‘Oh. And I see, ah yes, one charge of “making his arm fall off in an insubordinate way” laid against Constable Shoe. Commander Vimes has always given me glowing reports about this officer.’
Ole’s a nasty piece of work, sah! You can’t trust the dead ones!’
‘Nor, it would seem, most of the live ones.’
‘Sah1’ Colon leaned forward, his face twisted in a ghastly grimace of conspiratoriality. ‘Between you and me, sir, Commander Vimes was a good deal too soft on them. He let them get away with too much. No sugar is safe, sah!’
Vetinari’s eyes narrowed, but the telescopes on Planet Colon were far too unsophisticated to detect his mood.
‘I certainly recall him mentioning a couple of officers whose time-keeping, demeanour, and all-round uselessness were a dreadful example to the rest of the men,’ said the Patrician.
‘There’s my point,’ said Colon triumphantly. ‘One bad apple ruins the whole barrel!’
‘I think there’s only a basket now,’ said the Patrician. ‘A punnet, possibly.’
‘Don’t you worry about a thing, your lordship! I’ll turn things around. I’ll soon get them smartened up!’
‘I am sure you have it in you to surprise me even further,’ said Vetinari, leaning back. ‘I shall definitely keep my eye on you as the man to watch. And now, acting-captain, do you have anything else to report?’
‘All nice and quiet, sah!’
‘I would that it was,’ said Vetinari. ‘I was just wondering if there was anything going on involving any person in this city called’ – he looked down at another sheet of paper -‘Sonky?’
Captain Colon almost swallowed his tongue. ‘Minor matter, sah!’ he managed.
‘So, Sonky is alive?’
‘Er … found dead, sah!’
‘Murdered?’
‘Sah!’
‘Dear me. Many people would not consider that a minor matter, acting captain. Sonky, for one.’
‘Well, sah, not everyone agrees with what he does, sah.’
‘Are we by any chance talking about Wallace Sonky? The manufacturer of rubber goods?’
‘Sah!’
‘Boots and gloves seem non-controversial to me, acting captain.’.
‘It’s, er, the other stuff, sah!’ Colon coughed nervously. ‘He makes them rubber wallies, sah.’