‘You know I could have you arrested.’
‘Probably, but until now I’d got you down as an intelligent man.’
Tantony nodded, and proved Vimes right. ‘All right. How may we be of assistance?’
‘By keeping out of the way. Oh, and scraping up my remains if this doesn’t work.’
Vimes felt the man’s stare on the back of his neck as he set off again.
There was a statue in the middle of the square. It was of the Fifth Elephant. Some ancient craftsman had tried to achieve in bronze and stone the moment when the allegorical animal had thundered down out of the sky and gifted the country its incredible mineral wealth. Around it were idealized and rather heavy-set figures of dwarfs and men, holding hammers and swords, and striking noble attitudes; they probably represented Truth, Industry, Justice and Mother’s Home-Made Fat Pancakes for all Vimes knew, but he felt truly far from home in a country where, apparently, no one wrote graffiti on public statues.
A man was sprawled on the cobbles, with a woman kneeling beside him. She looked tearfully at Vimes and said something in Uberwaldean. All he could do was nod.
Wolfgang jumped down from a perch on top of the statue to Bad Sculpting and landed a few yards away, grinning.
‘Mister Civilized! You want another game?’
‘You see this badge I’m holding up?’ said Vimes.
‘It’s a very small one!’
‘But you see it?’
‘Yes, I see your little badge!’ Wolfgang started to move sideways, arms hanging loosely by his sides.
‘And I’m armed. Did you hear me tell you I’m armed?’
‘With that silly bow?’
‘But you just heard me say I’m armed, yes?’ said Vimes, loudly, turning to face the moving werewolf. He puffed on his cigar, letting a glow build up.
‘Yes! Is this what you call civilized?’
Vimes grinned. ‘Yes, this is how we do it.’
‘My way is better!’
‘And now you’re under arrest,’ said Vimes. ‘Come along and make no fuss and we’ll tie you securely and hand you over to whatever passes for justice around here. I realize this may be difficult.’
‘Hah! Your AnkhMorpork sense of humour!’
‘Yes, any minute now I’ll drop my trousers. So, you’re resisting arrest?’
‘Why these stupid questions?’ Now Wolfgang was almost dancing.
‘Are you resisting arrest?’
‘Yes indeed! Oh yes! Good joke!’
‘Look at me laughing.’
Vimes tossed the crossbow aside and swung a tube out from under his cloak. It was made of cardboard and a red cone protruded from one end.
‘A stupid silly firework!’ shouted Wolfgang, and charged.
‘Could be,’ said Vimes.
He didn’t bother to aim. These things were never designed for accuracy or speed. He simply removed his cigar from his mouth and, as Wolfgang ran towards him, pressed it into the fuse hole.
The mortar jerked as the charge went off and its payload came tumbling out slowly and trailing smoke in a lazy spiral. It looked like the stupidest weapon since the toffee spear.
Wolfgang danced back and forth under it, grinning,, and as it passed several feet over his head he leapt up gracefully and caught it in his mouth.
And then it exploded.
The flares were made to be seen twenty miles away. Even with his eyes tightly shut, Vimes saw the glare through his lids.
When the body had stopped rolling, Vimes looked around the square. People were watching from the coaches. The crowds were silent.
There were a lot of things he could say. ‘Son of a bitch!’ would have been a good one. Or he could say, ‘Welcome to civilization!’ He could have said, ‘Laugh this one off!’ He might have said, ‘Fetch!’
But he didn’t, because if he had said any of those things then he’d have known that what he had just done was murder.
He turned away, tossed the empty mortar over his shoulder and muttered, ‘The hell with it.’
At times like this teetotalism bit down hard.
Tantony was watching.
‘Don’t say a word out -of place,’ said Vimes, without altering his stride. ‘Just don’t.’
‘I thought those things shot very fast …’
‘I cut down the charge,’ said Vimes, tossing Detritus’s penknife in the air and catching it again. ‘I didn’t want to hurt anyone.’
‘I heard you warn him that you were armed. I heard him twice resist arrest. I heard everything. I heard everything you wanted me to hear.’
‘Yes.’
‘Of course, he might not have known that law.’
‘Oh, really? Well, I didn’t know it was legal in these parts to chase some poor sod across the country and maul him to death and, do you know, that didn’t stop anyone.’ Vimes shook his head. ‘And don’t give me that pained look. Oh, yes … now you can say I did it wrong, you can say I ought to have handled it differently. That sort of thing is easy to say afterwards. I’ll say it myself, maybe.’ In the middle of every night, he added to himself, after I’ve woken up seeing those mad eyes. ‘But you wanted him stopped as much as I did. Oh yes, you did. But you couldn’t, because you didn’t have the means, and I did, because I could. And you’ve got the luxury of judging me because you’re still alive. And that’s the truth of it, all wrapped up. Lucky one for you, eh?’
The crowds parted ahead of Vimes. He could hear whispers around him.
‘On the other hand,’ said Tantony, distantly, as if he hadn’t heard what Vimes had just said, ‘you did only fire that thing to warn him…’
‘Huh?’
‘Clearly you were not to know that he would automatically try to catch the … explosive,’ said Tantony, and it seemed to Vimes that he was rehearsing the line. ‘The … dog-like qualities of a werewolf would hardly have occurred to a man from the big city.’
Vimes held his gaze for a moment, and then patted him on the shoulder. ‘Hold on to that thought,’ he said.
A coach pulled to a halt beside him as he continued on his way. It slid to a stop so silently – not a jingle of harness, not a clop of horseshoe – that Vimes jumped sideways out of shock.
The horses were black, with black plumes on their heads. The coach was a hearse, the traditional long glass windows now filled with smoked black glass. There was no driver; the reins were simply loosely knotted on a brass railing.
A door swung open. A veiled figure leaned out. ‘Your excellency? Do let me give you a lift back to the embassy. You look so tired.’
‘No, thank you,’ said Vimes grimly.
‘I apologize for the emphasis on black,’ said Lady Margolotta. ‘It is rather expected of one on these occasions, I’m afraid-‘
Vimes swung himself up and into the carriage with furious speed.
‘You tell me,’ he growled, waving a finger under her nose, ‘how anyone can swim up a
vertical waterfall? I was prepared to believe anything about that bastard, but even he. couldn’t have managed that.’
‘Certainly that is a puzzle,’ said the vampire calmly, as the driverless coach moved on. ‘Superhuman strength, possibly?’
‘And now he’s gone and that’s one up for the vampires, eh?’
‘I vould like to think that it’s going to be a blessing for the whole country.’ Lady Margolotta leaned back. Her rat with the bow round its neck watched Vimes suspiciously from its pink cushion. ‘Wolfgang vas a sadistic murderer, a throwback who frightened even his own family. Delphine … sorry, Angua … vill have some peace of mind. An intelligent young lady, I’ve alvays thought. Leaving here vas the best thing she ever did. The darkness vill be a little less frightening. The vorld will be a better place.’
‘And I’ve handed you Uberwald?’ said Vimes.
‘Don’t be stupid. Uberwald is huge. This is one small part of it. And now it’s going to change. You have been a breath of fresh air.’
Lady Margolotta drew a long holder from her bag and inserted a black cigarette. It lit itself.
‘Like you, I have found consolation in a … different vice,’ she said. ‘Black Scopani. They grow the tobacco in total darkness. Do try some. You could waterproof roofs with it. I believe Igor makes cigars by rolling the leaves between his thighs.’ She blew out a stream of smoke. ‘Or someone’s thighs, anyvay. Of course, I am sorry for the Baroness. It must be so hard for a verevolf, realizing that she’s raised a monster. As
for the Baron, give him a bone and he’s happy for hours.’ Another stream of smoke. ‘Do look after Angua. Happy Families is not a popular game among the undead.’
‘You helped him come back! Just like you did for me!’
‘Oh, he’d have come back anyvay, in time. Some time when you weren’t expecting him. He’d track Angua like a wolverine. Best that things ended today.’ She gave him an appraising look through the smoke. ‘You’re good at anger, your grace. You save it up for when you need it.’