‘Dis place is even more cult’ral than the op’ra house,’ he said, gazing around respectfully. ‘Dem chandeliers must weigh a ton.’
He reached up and rubbed his head, and then inspected his fingers.
Vimes glanced up. Something warm, like a buttered raindrop, hit his cheek. As he brushed it away he saw the shadows move …
Things happened with treacle slowness. He saw it as if he was watching himself from a little way away. He saw himself push Cheery and Sybil roughly, heard himself shout something, and watched himself dive towards the King, snatching the dwarf up as an axe clanged into his backplate.
Then he was rolling, with the angry dwarf in his arms, and the chandelier was halfway through its fall, candle flames streaming, and there was Detritus, raising his hands with a calculating look on his face …
There was a moment of stillness and silence as the troll caught the descending mountain of light. And then physics returned, in an exploding cloud of dwarfs, debris, molten wax and tumbling, flaring candles.
Vimes woke up in darkness. He blinked and touched his eyes to make sure that they were open.
Then he sat up and his head thumped against stone, and then there was light, vicious yellow and purple lights, filling his life very suddenly. He lay back until they went away.
He took a personal itinerary. His cloak, helmet, sword and armour had all gone. He was left in his shirt and breeches, and while this place was not freezing it had a clamminess that was already working its way through to his bones.
Right …
He wasn’t sure how long it took him to get a feel for the cell, but a feel it was. He moved by inches, waving his arms ahead of him like a man practising a very slow martial art against the darkness.
Even then the senses became unreliable in the total black. He followed the wall carefully, followed another wall, followed a wall which yielded, under his fingertips, the outline of a small door with a handle, and found the wall which had the stone slab against it on which he’d awoken.
What made this all the harder was having to do it with his head sunk against his chest. Vimes
wasn’t a very tall man. If he had been, he’d probably have cracked his skull when he woke up.
Without any other aids to rely on, he walked the length of the walls using his copper’s pace. He knew exactly how long it took him, swinging his legs easily, to walk across the Brass Bridge back home. A little bit of muzzy mental arithmetic was needed, but eventually he decided that the room was ten feet square.
One thing that Vimes did not do was shout ‘Help! Help!’ He was in a cell. Someone had put him in a cell. It was reasonable to assume, therefore, that whoever had done this wasn’t interested in his opinions.
He groped his way to the stone slab again and lay down. As he did so something rattled.
His patted his pockets and brought out what felt and sounded very much like a box of matches. There were only three left.
So … resources: the clothes he stood up in and a few matches. Now to work out what the hell was going on.
He remembered seeing the chandelier. He thought he remembered seeing Detritus actually catch the thing. And there had been a lot of screaming and shouting and running around, while in his arms the King had sworn at Vimes as only a dwarf could swear. Then someone had hit him.
There was also an ache across his back where an axe had been turned aside by his armour. He felt a twitch of national pride at that thought. AnkhMorpork armour had stood up to the blow! Admittedly it was probably made in
AnkhMorpork by dwarfs from Uberwald, using steel smelted from Uberwald iron, but it damn well was AnkhMorpork armour, just the same.
There was a pillow on the slab, made in Uberwald. As Vimes turned his head the pillow went, very faintly, clink. This was a sound he didn’t associate with feathers.
In the darkness he picked up the sack and, after resorting to his teeth, managed to rip a hole in the heavy material.
If what he drew out had ever been part of a bird, it wasn’t one Vimes would like to meet. It felt very much like Inigo’s one-shot. A finger inserted very gingerly into the end told Vimes that it was loaded, too.
Just one shot, he remembered. But it was one people didn’t know you had … On the other hand, the Tooth Fairy probably wasn’t responsible for putting it in the pillow, unless she’d been having to face some particularly difficult children lately.
He slipped it back into the bag when he became aware of a light. It was the faintest glow, showing that the door contained a barred window and that there were shadowy figures on the other side of it.
‘Are you awake, your grace? This is very unfortunate.’
‘Dee?’
‘Yes.’
‘And you’ve come to tell me this has all been some terrible mistake?’
‘Alas, no. I am convinced of your innocence, of course.’
‘Really? Me too,’ growled Vimes. ‘In fact I’m so convinced of my innocence I don’t even know what it is I’m innocent of! Let me out or-‘
‘- or you will stay in, I am afraid,’ said Dee. ‘It is a very strong door. You are not in AnkhMorpork, your grace. I will of course communicate your predicament to your Lord Vetinari as soon as possible, but I understand that the message tower has been badly damaged-‘
‘My predicament is that you’ve locked me up! Why? I saved your king, didn’t I?’
‘There is … conflict.’
‘Someone let that chandelier down!’
‘Yes, indeed. A member of your staff, it appears.’
‘You know that can’t be true! Detritus and Littlebottom were with me when-‘
‘Mister Skimmer was on your staff?’
‘He … Yes, but … I … he wouldn’t-‘
‘I believe you have such a thing in AnkhMorpork as the Guild of Assassins?’ said Dee calmly. ‘Correct me if I am wrong.’
‘He was up at the tower!’
‘The damaged tower?’
‘It was damaged before he-‘ Vimes stopped. ‘Why would he smash up one of the towers?’
‘I did not say he would,’ said Dee. The flat calm was still there. ‘And then, your grace, it has been suggested that you gave a signal just before the thing came down…’
‘What?’
‘A hand to the cheek, or something. It has been suggested that you anticipated the event.’
‘The thing was swaying! Look, let me talk to Skimmer!’
‘Do you have supernatural powers, your grace?’
Vimes hesitated. ‘He’s dead?’
‘We believe he became entangled in the winch mechanism in the process of releasing the chandelier. Three dwarfs were dead around him.’
‘He wouldn’t-‘ Vimes stopped again. Of course he wouldn’t. It’s just that he’s a member of this Guild we have, and you certainly know that, don’t you—
Dee must have seen his expression. ‘Quite so, quite so. Everything will be investigated thoroughly. The innocent have nothing to fear.’
The news that they have nothing to fear is guaranteed to strike terror into the hearts of innocents everywhere.
‘What have you done with Sybil?’
‘Done, your grace? Why nothing. We are not barbarians. We have heard nothing but good reports of your wife. She is upset, of course.’
Vimes groaned. ‘And Detritus and
Littlebottom?’
‘Well, of course they were under your command, your grace. And one is a troll and the other is … dangerously different. And that is why, and precisely for that reason, they are under house arrest in your own embassy. We do respect the traditions of diplomacy and we will not have it said that we have acted out of malice.’ Dee sighed. ‘And then, of course, there is the other matter-‘
‘Are you going to accuse me of stealing the Scone, too?’
‘You laid hands on the King.’
Vimes stared. ‘Huh? A ton of candlestick was about to fall on him!’
‘This has been pointed out-‘
‘And I’m imprisoned for saving him from an assassination attempt I planned?’
‘Are you?’
‘No! Look, the thing was coming down, what else should I have done? Tugged at the carpet and tried to drag him away?’
‘Yes, yes, I understand. But precedent in this area is very clear. In 1345, when the king at the time fell into a lake, not one member of his staff dared touch him because of the ruling, and the subsequent finding was that they had acted correctly. It is forbidden to touch the King. I have of course explained to the conclave that this is not the AnkhMorpork way, but this is not AnkhMorpork.’
‘I don’t need everyone reminding me about that!’
‘You will remain … our guest while investigations continue. Food and drink will be brought to you.’