‘The embassy is to your liking? We owned it, you know, before we sold it to Lord V … Ve …’
‘Vetinari,’ said Vimes, reluctantly taking his eyes off the wolf.
‘Of course, your people made a lot of changes,’ she went on.
‘We’ve made a few more,’ said Vimes, recalling all those patches of shiny woodwork where the hunting trophies had been removed. ‘I must say I was really impressed with the bathroo-I’m sorry?’
There had been almost a yelp from the Baron. Serafine was glaring at her husband.
‘Yes,’ she said sharply, ‘I gather interesting things have been done.’
‘You’re so lucky to have the thermal springs,’ said Vimes. And this was diplomacy too, he thought, when you let your mouth chatter away while you watched people’s eyes. It’s just like being a copper. ‘Sybil wants to go to take the waters at Bad Heisses Bad-‘
Behind him he heard a faint growl from the Baron and saw the look of annoyance flash across Serafine’s face.
‘I’m saying the wrong thing?’ he said innocently.
‘My-husband is a little unwell at the moment,’ said Serafine, in the special wife voice which Vimes recognized as meaning ‘He think’s he’s fine right now but just you wait until I get him alone.’
‘I suppose I’d better present my credentials,’ said Vimes, pulling out the letter.
Serafine reached across quickly and took it from his hand. ‘I shall read it,’ she said, smiling sweetly. ‘Of course, it’s a mere formality. Everyone’s heard of Commander Vimes. I mean no offence, of course, but we were a little surprised when the Patrician-‘
‘Lord Vetinari,’ said Vimes helpfully, putting a slight stress on the first syllable and hearing the growl on cue.
‘Yes, indeed … said that you would be coming. We were expecting one of the more … experienced … diplomats.’
‘Oh, I can hand around the thin cucumber sandwiches like anything,’ said Vimes. ‘And if you want little golden balls of chocolate piled up in a heap, I’m your man.’
She gave him a slow, blank stare. ‘Your pardon, your excellency,’ she said. ‘Morporkian is not my first .language and I fear we may have inadvertently misled one another. I gather that you are, in real life, a policeman?’
‘In real life, yes,’ said Vimes.
‘We’ve always been against a police force in Bonk,’ said the Baroness. ‘We feel it interferes with the liberties of the individual.’
‘Well, I have certainly heard that argument advanced,’ said Vimes. ‘Of course, it depends on whether the individual you are thinking of is yourself or the one climbing out of the bathroom’ – he noted the grimace -‘window with the family silver in a sack.’
‘Happily, security has never been a problem for us,’ said Serafine.
‘I’m not surprised,’ said Vimes. ‘I mean … because of all the walls and gates and things.’
‘I do hope you will bring Sybil to the reception this evening. But I see that we are keeping you, and I know you must have much to do. Igor will show you out.’
‘Yeth, mithtreth,’ said Igor, behind Vimes.
Vimes could feel the river of fury building up behind the levees of his mind. ‘I’ll tell Sergeant Angua you asked after her,’ he said, standing up.
‘Indeed,’ said Serafine.
‘But right now I’m looking forward to a really relaxing bath,’ said Vimes, and watched with satisfaction as both the Baron and his wife flinched. ‘Good day to you.’
Cheery marched along beside him across the hallway.
‘Don’t say a word until we’re out of here,’ hissed Vimes.
‘Sir?’
‘Because I want to get out of here,’ said Vimes.
Several of the dogs had followed them out.
They weren’t growling, they hadn’t bared their teeth, but they were carrying themselves with rather more purpose than Vimes had come to associate with groin-sniffers in general.
‘I’ve put the parthel in the coach, your exthellenthy’ said Igor, opening the coach door and knuckling his forehead.
‘I’ll be sure to give it to Igor,’ said Vimes.
‘Oh, not to Igor, thur. Thith ith for Igor.’
‘Oh, right.’
Vimes looked out of the windows as the horses trotted away. The golden-haired wolf had come to the steps and was watching him leave.
He sat back as the coach rumbled out of the castle and closed his eyes. Cheery was wise enough to remain silent.
‘No weapons on the walls, did you notice?’ he said, after a while. His eyes were still shut, as if he was looking at a picture on the back of them. ‘Most castles like that have the things hanging all over the place.’
‘Well, they are werewolves, sir.’
‘Does Angua ever talk about her parents?’
‘No, sir.’
‘They didn’t want to talk about her, that’s certain.’ Vimes opened his eyes. ‘Dwarfs?’ he said. ‘I’ve always got on with dwarfs. And werewolves … well, never had a problem with werewolves. So why is the only person who hasn’t tried to blow me out this morning the blood-sucking vampire?’
‘I don’t know, sir.’
‘Big fireplace they had.’
‘Werewolves like to sleep in front of the fire at night, sir,’ said Cheery.
‘The Baron certainly didn’t seem comfortable in a chair, I spotted that. And what was the motto carved into that great big mantelpiece? “Homini…”’
“‘Homo Homini Lupus”, sir,’ said Cheery. ‘It means “Every man is a wolf to another man”.’
‘Hah! Why haven’t I promoted you, Cheery?’
‘Because I get embarrassed about shouting at other people, sir. Sir, did you notice the strange thing about the trophies they had on the wall?’
Vimes shut his eyes again. ‘Stag, bears, some kind of mountain lion … What’re you asking me, corporal?’
‘And did you notice something just below them?’
‘Let’s see … I think there was just space below them.’
‘Yes, sir. With three hooks in it. You could just make them out.’
Vimes hesitated. ‘Do you mean,’ he said carefully, ‘three hooks that might have had trophies hanging from them until they were removed?’
‘Very much that sort of hook, sir, yes. Only perhaps the heads haven’t been hung up yet.’
‘Trolls’ heads?’
‘Who knows, sir?’
The coach entered the town.
‘Cheery, have you still got that silver chainmail vest you used to have?’
‘Er, no, sir. I stopped wearing it because it seemed a bit disloyal to Angua, sir. Why?’
‘Just a passing thought. Oh, ye gods, is that Igor’s parcel under the seat?’
‘I think so, sir. But look, I know about Igors. If that’s a real hand, the original owner hasn’t got a use for it, believe me.’
‘What? He cuts bits off dead people?’
‘Better than live people, sir.’
‘You know what I mean!’
‘Sir, it’s considered good manners, if one of the Igors has helped you, to put it in your will that they can help themselves to any … parts that might help someone else. They never ask for any money. People just carry little cards. They’re very respected in Uberwald. Very good men with a scalpel and a needle. It’s a kind of vocation, really.’
‘But they’re covered in scars and stitches!’
‘They won’t do to anyone else what they’re not prepared to try on themselves.’
Vimes decided to explore the full horror of this. It took his mind off the missing trophies. ‘Are there any … Igorinas? Igorettes?’
‘Well, any Igor is considered a good catch for a young lady…’
‘He is?’
‘And their daughters tend to be very attractive.’
‘Eyes at the same height, that sort of thing?’
‘Oh, yes.’
But the door, when it was finally opened in response to impatient knocking, revealed not the switchback features of Igor but the business end of Detritus’s crossbow, which was marginally worse.
‘It’s us, sergeant,’ said Vimes.
The crossbow was removed, and the door opened further.
‘Sorry, sir, but you said I was to be on guard,’ said Detritus.
‘There’s no need to-‘
‘Igor’s been hurt, sir.’
Igor was sitting in the huge kitchen, a bandage round his head. Lady Sybil was fussing over him.
‘I went to look for him a couple of hours ago and there he was, flat on the snow,’ she said. She leaned closer to Sam Vimes. ‘He doesn’t remember very much.’
‘Can you recall what you were doing, old chap?’ said Vimes, sitting down.
Igor gave him a bleary look. ‘Well, thur, I went out to unpack the foodthtuffth from the other coach, and I’d jutht got hold of thomething and then all the lightth went out, thur. I reckon I mutht’ve thlipped.’
‘Or someone hit you?’
Igor shrugged. For a moment both of his shoulders were at the same level.
‘There’s nothing on the coach worth stealing!’ said Lady Sybil.
‘Not unless someone was dying for a knuckle sandwich,’ said Vimes. ‘Was anything taken?’
‘I checked everyt’ing against der list her ladyship gave me, sir,’ said Detritus, meeting Vimes’s gaze. ‘Dere wasn’t anyfing missing, sir.’
‘I’ll just go and take a look for myself,’ said Vimes.
When they were outside he walked over to the coach and looked at the snow around it. The cobbles were visible here and there. Then he looked up at the grating.