“It isn’t determination, Rillibee. I made a promise. I’ve always tried to keep my promises, when I could.”
“Tell Daddy Rillibee and I are going to have a baby.” said Stella. “Tell him that we’re going to name it Joshua. Or Miriam.”
Two of Rillibee’s magic names. Names he would hold sacred if all hell came against him. Now he would give the baby one of them, sending it out like a firefly into darkness. In time there would be others, lighting up nothingness with bright names, like the burning names of stars. Marjorie smiled, thinking that she would not tell Rigo that. He would not understand.
From above came a trill, a purr. Foxen. Marjorie trilled in answer. From the neighboring meadow, a horse whickered in reply.
“Did you see the new colt?” Stella asked suddenly.
Marjorie nodded. “This morning. Mother and baby doing well. All sixteen of the horses doing well, as a matter of fact. The foxen have been talking to the foals again. I keep getting these very percipient looks! Blue Star’s new baby looks exactly like Don Quixote. Mayor Bee’s terribly excited.”
“The mayor gets the colt, does he?” Rillibee asked.
“Well, I promised. A few Hippae showed up at the interdict village near Klive, and the mayor wants to lead the expedition.”
“In accordance with the plan,” he said.
“In accordance with the plan,” echoed Stella.
In accordance with the plan, thought Marjorie. She sat down and put the desk on her lap, looking at it with resignation. Father James was probably right. Rigo wanted written evidence of her dereliction, her apostacy.
“We’ll let you get back to it,” said Rillibee. “I’ll go relieve Tony. He’s been working with Dimity and Janetta. They’ll never be right, Marjorie. Everyone knows that now. I don’t know why Tony goes on….”
“He’s stubborn,” Marjorie said. “Like me. Has he said anything?” she asked, a little anxiously. “About after… ?”
Rillibee nodded, frowning. “He’s going back to Terra. He thought his father’s request over carefully, and he’s decided to return, at least for a while. Since he and Stella were the only children Rigo was allowed to have, Tony thinks going back, for a while at least, is only fair.” He took her hand and pressed it, sharing her disappointment. Then he and Stella went away from her, up the green hill.
Marjorie sighed. She had hoped Tony would stay. In the winter, he would have lived closely in Commons, acquiring age, acquiring friends. In the spring Amy bon Damfels would be coming to the Tree City with Emmy and her mother. Marjorie had envisioned Amy and Tony— Still, if he wanted to go back … He was still very young. Perhaps he felt he needed at least one parent.
She opened the desk and started a new paragraph. If Rigo wanted proof she was crazy or ungodly or whatever, why not give it to him?
You needn’t refer to my religious duties, Rigo. I have not forgotten them….
We came to Grass together, out of duty. On Terra I had become much accustomed to duty, much concerned with propriety. Even when I knew I was doing very little good with my visitations, I persisted, out of duty. It has recently occurred to me that I was not too different from the bons. As they rode the Hippae and were enslaved, so I rode custom and was enslaved. I was a very good child and woman. I was scrupulous in my behavior. I confessed regularly and followed my confessor’s advice. I did good deeds, even feeling guilty because I sometimes broke men’s laws of discipline to do what I thought of as God’s laws of mercy. I was faithful to you because it was my duty, and I did what duty required because I thought God would be offended if I didn’t.
Here on Grass there was more duty. I found myself looking ahead to the time I could die and wouldn’t have duty anymore. Here I was, barely forty, Terran, wanting to die so I could quit going through all these motions! So, I went out into the grasses one day, courting death, but what offered itself was not really death and the horror of that made me realize what I was doing.