He shut up and so did I; again I needed time to get my thoughts straight. Please understand me-it is easy to be free when you have been brought up in freedom, it is not easy otherwise. A zoo tiger, escaped, will often slink back into the peace and security of his bars. If he can’t get back, they tell me he will pace back and forth within the limits of bars that are no longer there. I suppose I was still pacing in my conditioned pattern.
The human mind is a tremendously complex thing; it has compartments in it that its owner himself does not suspect. I had thought that I had given my mind a thorough housecleaning already and had rid it of all the dirty superstitions I had been brought up to believe. I was learning that the ‘housecleaning’ had been no more than a matter of sweeping the dirt under the rugs-it would be years before the cleansing would be complete, before the clean air of reason blew through every room.
All right, I told myself, if I meet one of these par-no, ‘comrades’, I’ll exchange recognition with him and be polite-as long as he is polite to me! At the time I saw nothing hypocritical in the mental reservation.
Zeb lay back, smoking, and let me stew. I knew that he smoked and he knew that I disapproved. But it was a minor sin and, when we were rooming together in the Palace barracks, I would never have thought of reporting him. I even knew which room servant was his bootlegger. ‘Who is sneaking your smokes in now?’ I asked, wishing to change the subject.
‘Eh? Why, you buy them at the P.X., of course.’ He held the dirty thing out and looked at it. ‘These Mexican cigarettes are stronger than I like. I suspect that they use real tobacco in them, instead of the bridge sweepings I’m used to. Want one?’
‘Huh? Oh, no, thanks!’
He grinned wryly. ‘Go ahead, give me your usual lecture. It’ll make you feel better.’
‘Now look here, Zeb, I wasn’t criticizing. I suppose it’s just one of the many things I’ve been wrong about.’
‘Oh, no. It’s a dirty, filthy habit that ruins my wind and stains my teeth and may eventually kill me off with lung cancer.’ He took a deep inhalation, let the smoke trickle out of the corners of his mouth, and looked profoundly contented. ‘But it just happens that I like dirty, filthy habits.’
He took another puff. ‘But it’s not a sin and my punishment for it is here and now, in the way my mouth tastes each morning. The Great Architect doesn’t give a shout in Sheol about it. Catch on, old son? He isn’t even watching.’
‘There is no need to be sacrilegious.’
‘I wasn’t being so.’
‘You weren’t, eh? You were scoffing at one of the most fundamental-perhaps the one fundamental-proposition in religion: the certainty that God is watching!’
‘Who told you?’
For a moment all I could do was to sputter. ‘Why, it isn’t necessary. It’s an axiomatic certainty. It’s -,
‘I repeat, who told you? See here, I retract what I said. Perhaps the Almighty is watching me smoke. Perhaps it is a mortal sin and I will burn for it for eons. Perhaps. But who told you? Johnnie, you’ve reached the point where you are willing to kick the Prophet out and hang him to a tall, tall tree. Yet you are willing to assert your own religious convictions and to use them as a touchstone to judge my conduct. So I repeat: who told you? What hill were you standing on when the lightning came down from Heaven and illuminated you? Which archangel carried the message?’
I did not answer at once. I could not. When I did it was with a feeling of shock and cold loneliness. ‘Zeb . . . I think I understand you at last. You are an-atheist. Aren’t you?’
Zeb looked at me bleakly. ‘Don’t call me an atheist,’ he said slowly, ‘unless you are really looking for trouble.’
‘Then you aren’t one?’ I felt a wave of relief, although I still didn’t understand him.