and it sounded tough enough to ensure the discipline of the other two.
The three proceeded deeper into the kitchen, past the broom closet, and
out of my line of sight. They seemed to be full of trepidation, but they
were no longer inhibited by the noisy flooring.
A second squad, also composed of three members and also revealed only by
their eye shine, entered the room. They paused to survey the unpierceable
darkness, and one by one they looked in my direction without any
indication that they detected me.
From elsewhere in the kitchen arose the continuous crackle of the
brittle linoleum. I heard a scrabbling and a thump, noises no doubt made
by one of the first three monkeys as it climbed onto a counter.
The button on my cap was pressed so firmly between the crown of my head
and the shelf above me that I felt as though God’s thumb was thrust
against my scalp in a not so subtle announcement that my number was up,
my ticket punched, my dime dropped, my license to live revoked.
If I could have hunched down an inch or two, the pressure would have
been relieved, but I was afraid that even with the monkeys making a
racket, I would still be heard as my back and shoulders slid along the
walls of the narrow closet. Besides, the twitching nerve in my leg had
quickly evolved into a mild cramp, as I had feared that it would, even a
minor change in my position might contract the calf muscle and cause the
pain to flare into intolerable agony.
A member of the second squad began to move slowly toward me, its bright
eyes sliding nervously from side to side while it felt its way through
the cloying murk. As the clever little beast approached, I could hear it
rhythmically slapping its right hand against the wall to keep itself
oriented.
In another corner of the room, rusted hinges squeaked. One of the
shiplap doors banged shut, its loose joints rattling.
Evidently, they were opening the cabinets and fumbling blindly inside.
I had hoped that they would not be intelligent enough to conduct a
thorough search or, conversely, that they would be too intelligent to
endanger themselves by poking blindly into places where an armed man
might be waiting to blast them to monkey hell. They were smart enough to
be thorough, all right, but too reckless to be as cautious as the
situation required. From past encounters, I had already known all this
about them, but having jammed myself into the broom coffin, having
regretted doing so almost as soon as I was encased, I’d been in denial.
The wall slapper was still coming toward me, no more than three feet
away. Its eyes continued to blaze at the gloom on all sides of it, not
just at me.
More hinges squeaked. A warped cabinet door stuttered open with some
resistance, and another door banged shut.
The cramp in my calf abruptly became more severe. Hot. Sharp.
I clenched my teeth to keep from groaning. I had a headache, too, The
cap button felt as if it had been pressed all the way through my skull,
into my brain, and had begun working its way out through my right eye.
My neck ached. My scrunched shoulders didn’t feel too good, either.
I had a nagging pain in the small of my back, a spot of tenderness in
the gum at an upper right molar, a queasy feeling that I was developing
serious hemorrhoids at the tender age of twenty-eight, and was in
general feeling pretty much, you know, blah.
The wall slapper stopped slapping the wall when it reached the corner
and discovered the cabinetry. It was directly in front of me now.
I was almost four feet taller than this monkey, and a hundred twenty
pounds heavier. Though it was unnervingly intelligent, I was a lot
smarter than it. Nevertheless, I gazed down at it with dread and
loathing, cringing inwardly, with no less repulsion and fear for my life
than I would have felt if this had been a demon risen straight from
Hell.
It is easy to make jokes about the troop when you are at a comfortable