0 IS FOR OUTLAW.
ONE.
The Latin term pro bono, as most attorneys will attest, roughly translated means for boneheads and applies to work done without charge. Not that I practice law, but I am usually smart enough to avoid having to donate my services. In this case, my client was in a coma, which made billing a trick. Of course, you might look at the situation from another point of view. Once in a while a piece of old business surfaces, some item on life’s agenda you thought you’d dealt with years ago. Suddenly, it’s there again at the top of the page, competing for your attention despite the fact that you’re completely unprepared for it.
First there was a phone call from a stranger; then a letter showed up fourteen years after it was sent. That’s how I learned I’d made a serious error in judgment and ended up risking my life in my attempt to correct for it.
I’d just finished a big job, and I was not only exhausted but my bank account was fat and I wasn’t in the mood to take on additional work. I’d pictured a bit of time off, maybe a trip someplace cheap, where I could lounge in the sun and read the latest Elmore Leonard novel while sipping on a rum drink with a paper umbrella stuck in a piece of fruit. This is about the range and complexity of my fantasies these days.
The call came at 8 A.M. Monday, May 19, while I was off at the gym. I’d started lifting weights again: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings after my 6 A.m. run. I’m not sure where the motivation came from after a two-year layoff, but it was probably related to thoughts of mortality, primarily my own. In the spring, I’d sustained damage to my right hand when a fellow dislocated two fingers trying to persuade me to his point of view. I’d been hurt once before when a bullet nicked my right arm, and my impulse in both instances had been to hit the weight machines. Lest you imagine I’m a masochist or accident-prone, I should state that I make a living as a private investigator. Truth be told, the average P.I. seldom carries a gun, isn’t often pursued, and rarely sustains an injury more substantial than a paper cut. My own professional life tends to be as dull as anyone else’s. I simply report the exceptions in the interest of spiritual enlightenment. Processing events helps me keep my head on straight.
Those of you acquainted with my personal data can skip this paragraph. For the uninitiated, I’m female, thirty-six years old, twice divorced, and living in Santa Teresa, California, which is ninety-five miles north of Los Angeles. Currently, I occupy one small office in the larger suite of offices of Kingman and Ives, attorneys at law. Lonnie Kingman is my attorney when the occasion arises, so my association with his firm seemed to make sense when I was looking for space. I’d been rendered a migrant after I was unceremoniously shit-canned from the last job I had: investigating arson and wrongful death claims for California Fidelity Insurance. I’ve been with Lonnie now for over two years, but I’m not above harboring a petty desire for revenge on CFI.
During the months I’d been lifting weights, my muscle tone had improved and my strength had increased. That particular morning, I’d worked my way through the customary body parts: two sets, fifteen reps each, of leg extensions, leg curls, ab crunches, lower back, lat rows, the chest press and pec deck, along with the shoulder press, and various exercises for the biceps and triceps. Thus pumped up and euphoric, I let myself into my apartment with the usual glance at my answering machine. The message light was blinking. I dropped my gym bag on the floor, tossed my keys on the desk, and pressed the PLAY button, reaching for a pen and a pad of paper in case I needed to take notes. Before I leave the office each day, I have Lonnie’s service shunt calls over to my apartment. That way, in a pinch, I can lie abed all day, dealing with the public without putting on my clothes.
The voice was male, somewhat gravelly, and the message sounded like this: “Miss Millhone, this is Teddy Rich. I’m calling from Olvidado about something might innerest you. This is eight A.M. Monday. Hope it’s not too early. Gimme a call when you can. Thanks.” He recited a telephone number in the 805 area code, and I dutifully jotted it down. It was only 8:3 so I hadn’t missed him by much. Olvidado is a town of 157,000, thirty miles south of Santa Teresa on Highway 101. Always one to be interested in something that might “interest” me, I dialed the number he’d left. The ringing went on so long I thought his machine would kick in, but the line was finally picked up by Mr. Rich, whose distinctive voice I recognized.
“Hi, Mr. Rich. This is Kinsey Millhone up in Santa Teresa. I’m returning your call.”
“Hey, Miss Millhone. Nice to hear from you. How are you today?”
“Fine. How are you?”
“I’m fine. Thanks for asking, and thanks for being so prompt. I appreciate that.”
“Sure, no problem. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I’m hoping this is something I can do for you,” he said. “I’m a storage space scavenger. Are you familiar with the term?”
“I’m afraid not.” I pulled the chair out and sat down, realizing Ted Rich was going to take his sweet time about this. I’d already pegged him as a salesman or a huckster, someone thoroughly enamored of whatever minor charms he possessed. I didn’t want what he was selling, but I decided I might as well hear him out. This business of storage space scavenging was a new one on me, and I gave him points for novelty.
He said, “I won’t bore you with details. Basically, I bid on the contents of self-storage lockers when the monthly payment’s in arrears.”
“I didn’t know they did that on delinquent accounts. Sounds reasonable, I suppose.” I took the towel from my gym bag and ruffed it across my head. My hair was still damp from the workout and I was getting chillier by the minute, longing to hit the shower before my muscles stiffened up.
“Oh, sure. Storage unit’s been abandoned by its owner for more’n sixty days, the contents go up for auction. How else can the company recoup its losses? Guys like me show up and blind-bid on the contents, paying anywheres from two hundred to fifteen hundred bucks, hoping for a hit.”
“As in what?” I reached down, untied my Sauconys, and slipped them off my feet. My gym socks smelled atrocious, and I’d only worn them a week.
“Well, most times you get junk, but once in a while you get lucky and come across something good. Tools, furniture-stuff you can convert to hard cash. I’m sure you’re pro’bly curious what this has to do with you.”
“It crossed my mind,” I said mildly, anticipating his pitch. For mere pennies a day, you too can acquire abandoned bric-a-brac with which to clutter up your premises.
“Yeah, right. Anyways, this past Saturday, I bid on a couple storage bins. Neither of ’em netted much, but in the process I picked up a bunch of cardboard boxes. I was sorting through the contents and came across your name on some personal documents. I’m wondering what it’s worth to you to get ’em back.”
“What kind of documents?”
“Lemme see here. Hold on. Frankly, I didn’t expect to hear so soon or I’d have had ’em on the desk in front of me.” I could hear him rattling papers in the background. “Okay now. We got a pink-bead baby bracelet and there’s quite a collection of school-type memorabilia: drawings, class pictures, report cards from Woodrow Wilson Elementary. This ringin’ any bells with you?”
“My name’s on these papers?”
“Kinsey Millhone, right? Millhone with two I’s. Here’s a history report entitled `San Juan Capistrano Mission,’ with a model of the mission made of egg cartons. Mrs. Rosen’s class, fourth grade. She gave you a D plus. `Report is not bad, but project is poorly presented,’ she says. I had a teacher like her once. What a bitch,” he said idly. “Oh, and here’s something else. Diploma says you graduated Santa Teresa High School on June tenth, 1967? How’m I doin’ so far?”
“Not bad.”
“Well, there you go,” he said.
“Not that it matters, but how’d you track me down?”
“Piece of cake. All I did was call Directory Assistance. The name Millhone’s unusual, so I figure it’s like the old saying goes: Apples don’t fall far from the tree and so forth. I proceeded on the assumption you were somewheres close. You could’ve got married and changed your name, of course. I took a flier on that score. Anyways, the point is, how d’you feel about gettin’ these things back?”