Soon after the wedding, I began to realize he was out of control, at least from the perspective of someone with my basically fearful nature. I wasn’t comfortable with what I perceived as his dissipation and his self-indulgence. My Aunt Gin had taught me to be moderate, in my personal habits if not in my choice of cusswords. At first, Mickey’s hedonism had been appealing. I remembered experiencing a nearly giddy relief at his gluttony, his love of intoxication, his insatiable appetite for sex. What he offered was a tacit permission to explore my lustiness, unawakened until then. I related to his disdain for authority and I was fascinated by his disregard for the system, even while he was employed in a job dedicated to upholding law and order. I, too, had tended to operate outside accepted social boundaries. In grade school and, later, junior and senior high schools, I was often tardy or truant, drawn to the lowlife students, in part because they represented my own defiance and belligerence. Unfortunately, by the age of twenty, when I met Mickey, I was already on my way back from the outer fringes of bad behavior. While Mickey was beginning to embrace his inner demons, I was already in the process of retreating from mine.
Now, fifteen years later, it’s impossible to describe how alive I was for that short period.
For dinner, I made myself an olive-pimento-cheese sandwich, using that divine Kraft concoction that comes in a jar. I cut the bread neatly into four fingers with the crusts intact and used a section of paper toweling as both napkin and plate. With this wholesome entree, I sipped a glass of Chardonnay and felt thoroughly comforted. Afterward, I wadded up my dinnerware and tossed it in the trash. Having supped and done the dishes, I placed the two duffels on the counter and unloaded my tools and the booty I’d lifted from Mickey’s the night before. I laid the items on the counter, hoping the sight of them would spark a new interpretation.
There was a knock at my door. I grabbed the newspaper and opened it, spreading it over the items as if I’d been reading with interest, catching up on 1events. I crossed to the door and peeked through the porthole to find my landlord standing on the porchlet with a plate of homemade brownies covered in plastic wrap. Henry’s a retired commercial baker who now occupies his time catering tea parties for elderly widows in the neighborhood. He also supplies Rosie’s restaurant with a steady line of baked goods: sandwich breads, dinner rolls, pies, and cakes. I confess I was not entirely happy to see him. While I adore him, I’m not always candid with him about my nocturnal labors.
I opened the door. We made happy noises at each other while Henry stepped in. I tried to steer him toward the sofa, hoping to divert his attention, but before I could even protest, he leaned over and closed the newspaper to make room for the plate. There sat the four handguns, the packets of phony documents, credit cards, and cash. To all appearances, I’d turned to robbing banks for a living.
He set the plate on the counter. “What’s all this?”
I put a hand on his arm. “Don’t ask. The less you know, the better. You’ll have to trust me on this.”
He looked at me quizzically, an expression in his eyes I hadn’t seen before: trust and mistrust, curiosity, alarm. “But I want to know.”
I had only a split second to decide what to say. “This is Mickey’s. I lifted the stuff because a sheriff’s deputy was scheduled to change the locks on his doors. ”
“Why?”
“He’s being evicted. I had one chance to search, and I had to take advantage.”
“But what is all this?”
“I have no idea. Look, I know how his mind works. Mickey’s paranoid. He tends to hide anything of value. I went through his apartment systematically, and this is what I found. I couldn’t leave it there.”
“The guns are stolen?”
“I doubt it. Mickey always had guns. In all likelihood, they’re legal.”
“But you don’t know that for sure. Mickey didn’t authorize you to do this. Couldn’t you end up in trouble? ”
“Well, yeah, but I can’t worry about that now. I didn’t know what else to do. They were locking him out. This stuff was hidden in the walls, behind panels, in phony bathroom pipes. Meanwhile, he’s in the hospital, completely out of it.”
“What happens to his possessions? Doesn’t he have furniture?”
“Tons. I’ll probably offer to have things moved into storage until we see how he fares.”
“Have you spoken to the doctors yet?”
“They’re not going to talk to me. The cops put the lid on that possibility. Anyway, I made a big point of saying we’ve been out of touch for years. I can’t come along afterward and ask for daily updates like I’m so distraught. They’d never believe me.”
“But you said you weren’t going to get involved in this.”
“I know. I’m not. Well, I am a little bit. At the moment, I don’t even know what’s going on.”
“Then leave it alone.”
“It’s too late for that. Besides, you’re the one who said I ought to check it out.”
“But you never listen.”
“Well, I did this time.”
“Will you listen if I tell you to butt out?”
“Of course. Once I know what it’s about.”
“Kinsey, this is clearly police business. You can’t keep quiet about this stuff. You ought to call those detectives, ”
“Nope. Don’t want to. I’m not going to do that. I don’t like those guys.”
“At least they can be objective.”
“So can I.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes, really. Henry, don’t do this.”
“What am I doing?”
“You’re disapproving of my behavior. It tears me up.”
“As well it should.”
I clamped my mouth shut. I was feeling stubborn and resistant. I was already in the thick of it and couldn’t ball out. “I’ll think about it some.”
“You better do more than that. Kinsey, I’m concerned about you. I know you’re upset, but this really isn’t like you.”
“You know what? It is like me. This is exactly who I am: a liar and a thief. You want to know something else? I don’t feel bad about it. I’m completely unrepentant. More than that. I like it. It makes me feel alive.”
A shadow crossed his face and something familiar seemed to scurry into hiding. He was silent for a moment and then said mildly, “Well. In that case, I’m sure you don’t need any lectures from me.”
He was gone before I could reply. The door closed quietly behind him. The plate of brownies remained. I could tell they were still warm because the air was filled with the scent of chocolate and the plastic wrap was foggy with condensation. I stood where I was. I felt nothing. My mind was blank except for the one assertion. I had to do this. I did. Something inside me had shifted. I could sense the muscles in my face set with obstinacy. There was no way I’d let go, no way I’d back away from this, whatever it was.
I sat down at the counter, propping my feet on the rung of the kitchen stool. I folded the newspaper neatly. I picked up the envelope and opened the seal. Inside were two passbooks for Mickey’s savings accounts, six cash-register receipts, a Delta ticket envelope, and a folded sheet of paper. I examined the passbooks first. The first had once held a total of $15,000, but the account had been closed and the money withdrawn in January of 1981. The second savings account was opened that same January with a deposit of $5,000. This was apparently the money he’d been living on of late. I noticed that a series of $600 cash withdrawals corresponded to deposits in his checking account with the following discrepancy: Mickey would pull $600 and deposit $200, apparently keeping $400 in pocket change, “walking around” money, as he used to refer to it. I had to guess this was petty cash, used to pay his bar bills, his dinners out, items from the market. The six cash-register receipts were dated January 17, January1, February 7, February 14, March 7, and March 14. The ink was faded, but the name of the establishment wasn’t that hard to read: the Honky-Tonk. I was assuming he’d sold his car sometime in the third week in March because he’d deposited $900 in his checking account. The loss of his transportation might explain the sudden cessation of visits after so many regular Friday-night appearances. Why drive all the way to Santa Teresa to have a drink when there were bars in his neighborhood? I set the question aside since there was no way to answer it. Before examining the last item, I pulled out my index cards and made some notes. There’s always the temptation to let this part slide, but I had to capture the data while everything was fresh in my mind.