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right eye was spinning slowly, and sparks twinkled on his nasal hairs.
‘I mean, does he look scary?’ Mr Pin went on. ‘Remember, you are Lord Vetinari. Understand? You’re not going to take anything from some guard. If he talks back to you, just look at him.’
‘Like this,’ said Mr Tulip, half of his face flashing on and off.
Charlie leapt back.
‘Not quite like that, perhaps,’ said Mr Pin. ‘But close.’
‘I don’t want to do this any more!’ Charlie wailed.
‘Ten thousand dollars, Charlie,’ said Mr Pin. That’s a lot of money.’
‘I’ve heard of this Vetinari,’ said Charlie. ‘If this goes wrong he’ll have me thrown into the scorpion pit!’
Mr Pin spread his hands expansively. ‘Well, the scorpion pit isn’t as bad as it’s cracked up to be, you know?’
‘It’s a –ing picnic compared to me,’ rumbled Mr Tulip, his nose lighting up.
Charlie’s eyes sought a way out. Unfortunately, one of them was cleverness. Mr Pin hated the sight of Charlie trying to be clever. It was like watching a dog try to play the trombone.
‘I’m not doing it for ten thousand dollars,’ he said. ‘I mean . . . you need me . . .’
He let it hang in the air, which was very much what Mr Pin was considering doing with Charlie.
‘We had a deal, Charlie,’ he said mildly.
‘Yeah, well, I reckon there’s more money in this now,’ said Charlie.
‘What do you think, Mr Tulip?’
Tulip opened his mouth to reply but sneezed instead. A thin bolt of lightning earthed itself on Charlie’s chain.
‘Maybe we could go to fifteen thousand,’ said Mr Pin. ‘And that’s coming out of our share, Charlie.’
‘Yeah, well. . .’ said Charlie. He was as far away from Mr Tulip as possible now, because the man’s dry hair was standing out from his head.
‘But we want to see some extra effort, right?’ said Mr Pin. ‘Starting right now. All you have to do is say . . . What do you have to say?’
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‘ “You are relieved of your post, my man. Go away,” ‘ said Charlie.
‘Except we don’t say it like that, do we, Charlie?’ said Mr Pin. It’s an order. You are his boss. And you have to give him a haughty stare . . . Look, how can I put it? You’re a shopkeeper. Imagine that he’s asked for credit.’
~blk~
It was six in the morning. Freezing fog held the city in its breathless grip.
Through the mists they came, and into the press room behind the Bucket they lurched, and out into the mists they went again, on a variety of legs, crutches and wheels.
‘Mrpikeerah-tis!’
Lord Vetinari heard the cry and sent the overnight clerk down to the gate again.
He noted the title. He smiled at the motto.
He read the words:
~blk~~Frame~
IT IS THE COLDEST WINTER
IN LIVING MEMORY, AND
THAT IS OFFICIAL.
~blk~
Dr Fettle Dodgast (132) of Unfeen University, told the Times: ‘It if as cold as I can remember. Mind you, we don’t get the winter thefe days that we had when I was ,’^young.’
~blk~
Isicles as long as a man’s arm have been seen on gutters about the city and many pumps have frozen.
~blk~
Dr Dodgast (132) says the winter is worse than the one in 1902 when wolves invaded te acity. He added ‘and we were glad of that, because we hadn’t seen fresh meat for a fortnight’
. . .
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Mr Josia Winder (45) of 12b Martlebury Street has %a Humerous Vegetable that he will exhibit to all comers upon payment of a small sum. It is most droll.
. . .
Mr Clarence Harry (39) begs to inform the public that he has lost a valuable watch, probably in the area of Dolly Sisters. Reward to finder. Please report to Times office.
. . .
A icongrapher with thier own equipptment vanted by this publication. Apply at the Times office. The sign of the Bucket.
A miscreatn stole $200 worth of silver from H. Hogland and Son, Jewllrs., of Nonsuch Street yesterday p.m. Mr Hogland, (32) who was threatened at knifepoint, told the Times: ‘I shall recognise the man if I should see him again because not many people have a ftocking on their head.’
~blk~
And Lord Vetinari smiled.
And someone knocked softly at the door.
And he glanced at the clock.
‘Come,’ he said.
Nothing happened. After a few seconds, the soft knock came again.
‘Come in.’
And there was the pregnant silence again.
And Lord Vetinari touched an apparently ordinary part of his desktop.
And a long drawer appeared out of what had seemed to be the solid walnut of the desk, sliding forward as though on oil. It contained a number of slim devices on a bed of black velvet, and a description of any one of them would certainly involve the word ‘sharp’.
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And he chose one, held it casually by his side, crossed soundlessly towards the door and turned the handle, stepping back quickly in case of a sudden rush.
No one pushed.
And the door, yielding to an unevenness in the hinges, swung inwards.
~blk~
Mr Mackleduff smoothed out the paper. It was already accepted by all around the breakfast table that, as the man who bought the paper, he was not simply its owner but, as it were, its priest, relaying its contents to the appreciative masses.
‘It says here a man in Martlebury Street has grown a vegetable that’s a funny shape,’ he said.
‘I should very much like to see that,’ said Mrs Arcanum. There was a choking noise from further down the table. ‘Are you all right, Mr de Worde?’ she added, as Mr Prone thumped him on the back.
‘Yes, yes, really,’ gasped William. ‘S-sorry. Some tea went down the wrong way.’
‘There’s good soil in that part of the city,’ opined Mr Cartwright, travelling seed salesman.
William concentrated desperately on his toast, while over his head every news item was presented with the care and veneration of a blessed relic.
‘Someone held up a shopkeeper at knifepoint,’ Mr Mackleduff went on.
‘Soon we will not be safe in our beds,’ said Mrs Arcanum.
‘I don’t think this is the coldest winter for more than a hundred years, though,’ said Mr Cartwright. I’m sure that one we had ten years ago was worse. Hit my sales something cruel.’
‘It’s in the paper,’ said Mr Mackleduff, in the quiet voice of someone laying down an ace.
‘It was a very strange obituary that you read out, too,’ said Mrs Arcanum. William nodded silently over his boiled egg. I’m sure it’s not usual to talk about the things someone’s done since they died.’
Mr Longshaft, who was a dwarf and something in the jewellery business, helped himself to another slice of toast.
‘I suppose it takes all sorts,’ he said calmly.
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The city is getting rather crowded, though,’ said Mr Windling, who had some unspecified clerical job. ‘Still, at least zombies are human. No offence meant, of course.’
Mr Longshaft smiled faintly as he buttered the toast, and William wondered why he always disliked people who said ‘no offence meant’. Maybe it was because they found it easier to say ‘no offence meant’ than actually refrain from giving offence.
‘Well, I suppose we have to move with the times,’ said Mrs Arcanum. ‘And I hope that other poor man finds his watch.’
In fact Mr Harry was waiting outside the office when William arrived. He grabbed William’s hand and shook it.
‘Amazing, sir, amazing!’ he said. ‘How did you do it? It must be magic! You put that notice in your paper and when I got home, blow me down if the watch wasn’t in my other jacket! Gods bless your paper, say I!’
Inside, Goodmountain gave William the news. The Times had sold eight hundred copies so far today. At five pence each, William’s share came to sixteen dollars. In pennies, it came to quite a large heap on the desk.
This is insane,’ said William. ‘All we did was write things down!’
‘There is a bit of a problem, lad,’ said Goodmountain. ‘Are you going to want to do another one for tomorrow?’
‘Good gods, I hope not!’
‘Well, I’ve got a story for you,’ said the dwarf glumly. ‘I hear the Guild of Engravers are already setting up their own press. They’ve got a lot of money behind ’em, too. They could put us right out of business when it comes to general printing,’
‘Can they do that?’
‘Of course. They use presses anyway. Type isn’t hard to make, especially when you’ve got a lot of engravers. They can do really good work. To be honest, we didn’t reckon they’d cotton on this soon,’
‘I’m amazed!’
‘Well, younger members of the Guild have seen the work coming out of Omnia and the Agatean Empire. Turns out they’ve been looking for a chance like this. I hear there was a special meeting last night. A few changes of officers.’