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‘Why, Sacharissa,’ he said, standing up as she crept into the room. ‘Do take the chair. I’m afraid I don’t have one for your . . . friend.’ He nodded at William. ‘May I say how sad I was to hear about the fire?’
‘It’s your office,’ said William coldly. ‘You can say anything you like.’ Beyond the window he could see the torches of the Watch, arriving at the ruins of the old shed. He took a step back.
‘Don’t be like that, William,’ said Sacharissa. ‘It’s because of that, you see, Ronnie, that we’ve come to you.’
‘Really?’ Carney smiled. ‘You have been a bit of a silly girl, haven’t you . . . ?’
‘Yes, er . . . well, all our money was . . .’ Sacharissa sniffed. ‘The fact is . . . well, we’ve just got nothing now. We . . . worked so hard, so hard, and now it’s all gone . . .’ She started to sob.
Ronnie Carney leaned over the desk and patted her hand.
‘Is there anything I can do?’ he said.
‘Well, I did hope . . . I wondered if . . . I mean, d’you think you could see your way clear to . . . letting us use one of your presses tonight?’
Carney rocked back. ‘You what? Are you mad?’
Sacharissa blew her nose. ‘Yes, I thought you’d probably say that,’ she said sadly.
Carney, slightly mollified, leaned forward and patted her hand again. ‘I know we used to play together when we were children–‘ he began.
‘I don’t think we actually played,’ said Sacharissa, fishing in her handbag. ‘You used to chase me and I used to hit you over the head with a wooden cow. Ah, here it is . . .’ She dropped the bag, stood up and aimed one of the late Mr Pin’s pistol bows straight at the editor.
‘Let us use your “ing” presses or I’ll “ing” shoot your “ing” head “ing” off!’ she screamed. ‘I think that’s how you’re supposed to say it, isn’t it?’
‘You wouldn’t dare pull that trigger!’ said Carney, trying to crouch in his chair.
‘It was a lovely cow, and one day I hit you so hard one of the legs broke off,’ said Sacharissa dreamily.
Carney looked imploringly at William. ‘Can’t you talk some sense into her?’ he said.
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‘We just need the loan of one of your presses for an hour or so, Mr Carney,’ said William, while Sacharissa kept the barrel of the bow aimed at the man’s nose with what he judged to be a very strange smile on her face. ‘And then we’ll be gone.’
‘What are you going to do?’ said Carney hoarsely.
‘Well, firstly I’m going to tie you up,’ said William.
‘No! I’ll call the overseers!’
‘I think they’re . . . busy at the moment,’ said Sacharissa.
Carney listened. It seemed unusually quiet downstairs.
He sagged.
The printing staff of the Inquirer were in a ring around Goodmountain.
‘Right, lads,’ said the dwarf, ‘here’s how it works. Every man who goes home early tonight ‘cos of a headache gets a hundred dollars, all right? It’s an old Klatchian custom.’
‘And what happens if we don’t go?’ said the foreman, picking up a mallet.
‘Veil,’ said a voice by his ear, ‘that’s ven you get a . . . headache,’
There was a flash of lightning and a roll of thunder. Otto punched the air triumphantly.
‘Yes!’ he shouted, as the printers ran madly towards the doors. ‘Ven you really, really need it, zere it is! Let’s try vunce more . . . Castle!’ The thunder rolled again. The vampire jumped up and down excitedly, vest tails flying. ‘Vow! Now ve are cooking! Vunce more mit feelink! Vot a big . . . castle . . .’ The thunder was even louder this time.
Otto did a little jig, beside himself with joy, tears running down his grey face.
‘Music viz Rocks In!’ he yelled.
In the silence after the thunder roll William pulled a velvet bag from his pocket and tipped it out on to the desk blotter.
Carney stared goggle-eyed at the jewels.
‘Two thousand dollars’ worth,’ said William. ‘At least. Our admission to the Guild. I’ll just leave them here, shall I? No need for a receipt. We trust you.’
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Carney said nothing, because of the gag. He had been tied to his chair.
At this point Sacharissa pulled the trigger. Nothing happened.
‘I must’ve forgotten to put the pointy arrow bit in,’ she said, as Carney fainted away. ‘What a silly girl I am. “Ing”. I feel so much better for saying that, you know? “Ing”. “Inginginginging”. I wonder what it means?’
Gunilla Goodmountain looked expectantly at William, who swayed as he tried to think.
‘All right,’ he said, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘Triple-decker heading, as wide as you can. First line: “Conspiracy Revealed!” Got that? Next line: “Lord Vetinari is Innocent!”‘ He hesitated at that one, but let it go. People could argue about its general application later on. That wasn’t the important thing at the moment.
‘Yes?’ said Goodmountain. ‘And the next line?’
‘I’ve written it down,’ said William, passing him a page torn from the notebook. ‘Caps, please. Big caps. Big as you can. The sort the Inquirer used for elves and exploding people,’
This?’ said the dwarf, reaching for a case of huge black letters. ‘Is this news?’
‘It is now,’ said William. He flicked back through the pages of his notebook.
‘Are you going to write the story down first?’ said the dwarf.
‘No time. Ready? “A plot to illegally seize control of Ankh-Morpork was exposed last night after days of patient detective work by the Watch.” Paragraph. “The Times understands that two assassins, both now dead, were hired from outside the city to blacken the character of Lord Vetinari and depose him as Patrician.” Paragraph. “They used an innocent man with a remarkable resemblance to Lord Vetinari in order to trick their way into the palace. Once inside”–‘
‘Hold on, hold on,’ said Goodmountain. ‘The Watch didn’t get to the bottom of this, did they? You did!’
‘I just said they’ve been working for days,’ said William. That’s true. I don’t have to say they weren’t getting anywhere.’ He saw
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the look in the dwarf’s eye. ‘Listen, very soon I’m going to have a lot more unpleasant enemies than anyone really needs. I’d like Vimes to be angry at me for making him look good rather than for making him look bad. Okay?’
‘Even so–‘
‘Don’t argue with me!’
Goodmountain didn’t dare. There was a look in William’s face. The boy had frozen when he was listening to the box, and now he’d unfrozen into . . . someone else.
Someone a lot more touchy and a lot less patient. He looked as though he was running a fever.
‘Now . . . where was I?’
‘”Once inside”. . .’ said the dwarf.
‘Okay . . . “Once inside” . . . no . . . Make it: “The Times understands that Lord Vetinari was” – Sacharissa, you said the man in the cellar looked just like Vetinari?’
‘Yes. Haircut and everything.’
‘Right. “The Times understands that Lord Vetinari was overwhelmed in the moment of shock on seeing himself entering his office”–‘
‘Do we understand that?’ said Sacharissa.
‘Yes. It makes sense. Who’s going to argue? Where was I . . . “Their plan was foiled by Lord Vetinari’s dog, Wuffles (16), who attacked both men.” Paragraph. “The noise of this attracted the attention of Lord Vetinari’s clerk, Rufus Drumknott” – damn, I forgot to ask him how old he was – “who was then knocked unconscious.” Paragraph. “The attackers tried to put the interruption to good use in their” – what’s the good word? Oh, yes – “their dastardly plan and stabbed Drumknott with one of Lord Vetinari’s own daggers in an attempt to make it look as if he was insane or murderous.” Paragraph. “Acting with vicious cunning”–‘
‘You’re getting really good at this,’ said Sacharissa.
‘Don’t interrupt him,’ hissed Boddony. ‘I want to find out what the dastards did next!’
‘–“with vicious cunning they forced the bogus Lord Vetinari”–‘
‘Good word, good word,’ said Goodmountain, setting furiously.
‘Are you-certain about “forced”?’ said Sacharissa.
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They aren’t– they weren’t the kind of men who ask nicely,’ said William brusquely. ‘Er . . . “forced the bogus Lord Vetinari . . . to make a false confession to some servants who were attracted by the noise. Then all three, carrying the unconscious Lord Vetinari and harried by the dog, Wuffles (16), took the stairs to the stables.” Paragraph. “There they had set up a scene to suggest that Lord Vetinari had been trying to rob the city, as already reported in”–‘
‘ “Exclusively in”,’ Sacharissa said.
‘Right, “exclusively in the Times.” Paragraph. “However, the dog Wuffles escaped dash and began a city-wide search by Watch and criminals alike. He was found by a group of public-spirited citizens, who”–‘