‘You mean he can tell someone else’s arse from their elbow?’
Vimes was a fast learner. He sat with his hands folded and a completely impassive expression.
‘Can I ask another question?’ said William.
‘Nothing will stop you, will it?’
‘Have you found Lord Vetinari’s dog?’
Again, total blankness. But this time William had the impression that behind it several dozen wheels had begun to spin.
‘Dog?’ said Vimes.
‘Wuffles, I believe he’s called,’ said William.
Vimes sat watching him impassively.
‘A terrier, I think,’ said William.
Vimes failed to move a muscle.
‘Why was there a crossbow bolt sticking in the floor?’ said William. ‘That doesn’t make sense to me, unless there was someone else in the room. And it had gone in a long way. That’s not a rebound. Someone was firing at something on the floor. Dog-sized, perhaps?’
Not a feature twitched on the commander’s face.
‘And then there’s the peppermint,’ William went on. ‘There’s a. puzzle. I mean, why peppermint? And then I thought, maybe someone didn’t want to be traced by their smell? Perhaps they’d heard about your werewolf too? A few jars of peppermint oil thrown down would confuse things a bit?’
There it was, a faint flicker as Vimes glanced momentarily at some paperwork in front of him. Lotto! thought William.*
At last, like some oracle that speaks once a year, Vimes said, ‘I don’t trust you, Mr de Worde. And I’ve just realized why. It’s not just that you’re going to cause trouble. Dealing with trouble is my
* At this point Bingo had not been introduced to Ankh-Morpork.
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job, it’s what I’m paid for, that’s why they give me an armour allowance. But who are you responsible to? I have to answer for what I do, although right now I’m damned if I know who to. But you? It seems to me you can do what the hell you like.’
‘I suppose I’m answerable to the truth, sir.’
‘Oh, really? How, exactly?’
‘Sorry?’
‘If you tell lies, does the truth come and smack you in the face? I’m impressed. Ordinary everyday people like me are responsible to other people. Even Vetinari always had– has one eye on the Guilds. But you . . . you are answerable to the truth. Amazing. What’s its address? Does it read the paper?’
‘She, sir,’ said Sergeant Angua. There’s a goddess of truth, I believe.’
‘Can’t have many followers, then,’ said Vimes. ‘Except our friend here,’ He stared at William again over the top of his fingers, and once again the wheels turned.
‘Supposing . . . just supposing . . . you came into possession of a little drawing of a dog,’ he said. ‘Could you print it in your paper?’
‘We are talking about Wuffles, are we?’ said William.
‘Could you?’
‘I’m sure I could.’
‘We would be interested in knowing why he barked just before the . . . event,’ said Vimes.
‘And if you could find him Corporal Nobbs could speak to him in dog language, yes?’ said William.
Once again Vimes did his impression of a statue. ‘We could get a drawing of the dog to you in an hour,’ he said.
Thank you. Who is running the city at the moment, commander?’
‘I’m just a copper,’ said Vimes. They don’t tell me these things. But I imagine a new Patrician will be elected. It’s all laid down in the city statutes.’
‘Who can tell me more about them?’ said William, mentally adding ‘Just a capper’ my bum!
‘Mr Slant is your man there,’ said Vimes, and thif time he smiled. ‘Very helpful, I believe. Good afternoon, Mr de Worde. Sergeant, show Mr de Worde out, will you?’
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1 want to see Lord Vetinari,’ said William.
‘You what?’
‘It’s a reasonable request, sir.’
‘No. Firstly, he is still unconscious. Secondly, he is my prisoner.’
‘Aren’t you even letting a lawyer see him?’
‘I think his lordship is in enough trouble already, lad.’
‘What about Drumknott? He isn’t a prisoner, is he?’
Vimes glanced up at Sergeant Angua, who shrugged.
‘All right. There’s no law against that, and we can’t have people saying he’s dead,’ he said. He unhooked a speaking tube from a brass and leather construction on his desk and hesitated.
‘Have they got that problem sorted out, sergeant?’ he said, ignoring William.
‘Yes, sir. The pneumatic message system and the speaking tubes are definitely separated now.’
‘Are you sure? You do know Constable Keenside had all his teeth knocked out yesterday?’
They say it can’t happen again, sir.’
‘Well, obviously it can’t. He hasn’t got any more teeth. Oh, well . . .’ Vimes picked up the tube, held it away from him for a moment and then spoke into it.
Tut me through to the cells, will you?’
‘Wizzip? Wipwipwip?’
‘Say again?’
‘Sneedle flipsock?’
‘This is Vimes!’
‘Scitscrit?’
Vimes put the tube back on its cradle and stared at Sergeant Angua.
‘They’re still working on it, sir,’ she said. ‘They say rats have been nibbling at the tubes.’
‘Rats?’
‘I’m afraid so, sir.’
Vimes groaned and turned to William. ‘Sergeant Angua will take you to the cells,’ he said.
And then William was on the other side of the door.
‘Come on,’ said the sergeant.
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‘How did I do?’ said William.
‘I’ve seen worse.’
‘Sorry to mention Corporal Nobbs, but–‘
‘Oh, don’t worry about it,’ said Sergeant Angua. ‘Your powers of observation will be the talk of the station. Look, he’s being kind to you because he hasn’t worked out what you are yet, okay? Just be careful, that’s all.’
‘And you have worked out what I am, have you?’ said William.
‘Let’s just say I don’t rely on first impressions. Mind the step.’
She led the way down into the cells. William noted, without being so crass as to write it down, that there were two watchmen on duty at the bottom.
‘Are there usually guards down here? I mean, the cells have locks, don’t they?’
‘I hear you’ve got a vampire working for you,’ said Sergeant Angua.
‘Otto? Oh, yes. Well, we’re not prejudiced about that sort of thing
The sergeant did not answer. Instead she opened a door off the main cell corridor and called out: ‘Visitor for the patients, Igor.’
‘Right with you, thargent.’
The room within was brightly lit by an uncanny, flickering blue light. Jars lined shelves on one wall. Some had strange things moving in them – very strange things. Other things just floated. Blue sparks sizzled on some complex machine, all copper balls and glass rods, in the corner. But what mainly drew William’s attention was the great big eye. ^
Before he could actually scream a hand reached up and what he’d thought was a huge eyeball was revealed as the largest magnifying glass he’d ever seen, swivelling up on a metal bracket attached to the forehead of its owner. But the face it revealed was barely an improvement, when it came to mouth-desiccating horror.
The eyes were on different levels. One ear was larger than the other. The face was a network of scars. But that was nothing compared to the deformed hairstyle; Igor’s greasy black hair had been
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brushed forward into an overhanging quiff in the manner of some of the city’s noisier young musicians, but to a length that could take out the eye of any innocent pedestrian. By the looks of the . . . organic nature of Igor’s work area, he would then be able to help
put it back.
There was a fish tank bubbling on one bench. Inside it some potatoes were idly swimming backwards and forwards.
‘Young Igor here is part of our forensic department,’ said Sergeant Angua. ‘Igor, this is Mr de Worde. He wants to see the
patients.’
William saw the quick glance Igor gave the sergeant, who added,
‘Mister Vimes says it’s okay.’
‘Right this way, then,’ said Igor, lurching past William into the corridor. ‘Always nice to get visitors down here, Mr de Worde. You will find we keep a very relaxed thell down here. I’ll just go and get the keys.’
‘Why does he only lisp the occasional s?’ said William, as Igor limped towards a cupboard.
‘He’s trying to be modern. You never met an Igor before?’
‘Not one like that, no! He’s got two thumbs on his right hand!’
‘He’s from Uberwald,’ said the sergeant. ‘Igors are very much into self-improvement. Fine surgeons, though. Just don’t shake hands with one in a thunderstorm–‘
‘Here we are, then,’ said Igor, lurching back. ‘Who first?’
‘Lord Vetinari?’ said William.
‘He’s still athleep,’ said Igor.
‘What, after all this time?’
‘Not surprithing. It was a nasty blow he had–‘
Sergeant Angua coughed loudly.
‘I thought he fell off a horse,’ said William.
‘Well, yes . . . and caught himthelf a blow when he hit the floor, I’ve no doubt,’ said Igor, glancing at Angua.
He turned the key.
Lord Vetinari lay on a narrow bed. His face looked pale but he seemed to be sleeping peacefully.