Sacharissa caught sight of a movement out of the corner of her eye. The escaped land eel, having got bored behind the bench, was making a very sluggish bid for new horizons where an eel could wriggle proud and horizontal.
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‘Please don’t–‘ Otto began.
‘Oh, it’s all right, I’m not at all squeamish . . .’
Sacharissa’s hand closed on the eel.
She came to with Otto’s black handkerchief being flapped desperately in her face.
‘Oh, my goodness. . .’ she said, trying to sit up.
Otto’s face was a picture of such terror that Sacharissa forgot her own splitting headache for a moment.
‘What’s happened to you?’ she said. ‘You look terrible.’
Otto jerked back, tried to stand up and half collapsed against the bench, clutching at his chest.
‘Cheese!’ he moaned. ‘Please get me some cheese! Or a big apple! Something to bitel Pleeease!’
There’s nothing like that down here–‘
‘Keep avay from me! And do not breathe like zat!’ Otto wailed.
‘Like what?’
‘Zer bosoms going in and out and up and down like zat! I am a vampirel A fainting young lady, please understand, zer panting, zer heaving of zer bosoms . . . it calls somezing terrible from vithin With a lurch he pushed himself upright and gripped the black twist of ribbon from his lapel. ‘But I vill be stronk!’ he screamed. ‘I vill not let everyvun down!’
He stood stiffly to attention, although slightly blurred because of the vibration shaking him from head to foot, and in a trembling voice sang: ‘Oh vill you come to zer mission, vill you come, come, come, Zere’s a nice cup of tea and a bun, and a bun–‘
The ladder was suddenly alive with tumbling dwarfs.
‘Are you all right, miss?’ said Boddony, running forward with his axe. ‘Has he tried anything?’
‘No, no! He’s–‘
‘–zer drink zat’s in zer livink vein, Is not zer drink for me–‘ Sweat was running down Otto’s face. He stood with one hand pressed over his heart.
That’s right, Otto!’ shouted Sacharissa. Tight it! Fight it!’ She turned to the dwarfs. ‘Have any of you got any raw meat?’
‘. . . to life anew and temperance too. And to pure cold vater ve’ll come . . .’ Veins were throbbing on Otto’s pale head.
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‘Got some fresh rat fillets upstairs,’ muttered one of the dwarfs. ‘Cost me tuppence ‘You get them right now, Gowdie,’ snapped Boddony. ‘This looks
bad!’
—oh ve can drink brandy and gin if it’s handy, and ve can sup vhisky and rum, but zer drink ve abhor and ve drink no more, is zer–‘
“Tuppence is tuppence, that’s all I’m saying!’
‘Look, he’s starting to twitchY said Sacharissa.
‘And he can’t sing, either,’ said Gowdie. ‘All right, all right, I’m going, I’m going
Sacharissa patted Otto’s clammy hand.
‘You can beat it!’ she said urgently. ‘We’re all here for you! Aren’t we, everyone? Ann’t we? Under her baleful gaze the dwarfs responded with a chorus of half-hearted ‘yesses’, even though Boddony’s expression suggested that he wasn’t certain what Otto was here for.
Gowdie came back with a small package. Sacharissa snatched it out of his hand and held it out to Otto, who reared back.
‘No, it’s just rat!’ said Sacharissa. ‘Perfectly okay! You’re allowed rat, right?’
Otto froze for a moment and then snatched up the packet.
He bit into it.
In the sudden silence Sacharissa wondered if she wasn’t hearing a very faint sound, like the straw at the bottom of a milkshake.
After a few seconds Otto opened his eyes and then looked sidelong at the dwarfs. He dropped the packet.
‘Oh, vot shame! Vhere can I put my face? Oh, vot must you think of me
Sacharissa clapped with desperate enthusiasm. ‘No, no! We’re all very impressed! Aren’t we, everyone?’ Out of Otto’s sight, she waved one hand very deliberately at the dwarfs. There was another ragged chorus of agreement.
‘I mean, I haf been going through “cold bat” now for more than three months,’ muttered Otto. ‘It is such a disgusting thing to break down now and–‘
‘Oh, raw meat’s nothing,’ said Sacharissa. That’s allowed, isn’t it?’
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‘Yes, but for a second there I nearly–‘
‘Yes, but you didn’t,’ said Sacharissa. ‘That’s what’s important. You wanted to and didn’t.’ She turned to the dwarfs. ‘You can all go back to what you were doing,’ she said. ‘Otto is perfectly all right now.’
‘Are you sure–‘ Boddony began, and then nodded. He’d rather have argued with a wild vampire than Sacharissa at this moment. ‘Right you are, miss.’
Otto sat down, wiping his forehead, as the dwarfs filed out.
Sacharissa patted his hand. ‘Do you want a drink–‘
‘Oh!’
‘–of water, Otto?’ said Sacharissa.
‘No, no, everythink is okay, I think. Uh. Oh dear. My goodness. I am so sorry. You think you are on top of it, and then suddenly it all comes back to you. Vot a day . . .’
‘Otto?’
‘Yes, miss?’
‘What actually happened when I grabbed the eel, Otto?’
He winced. ‘I think zis is maybe not the time–‘
‘Otto, I saw things. There were . . . flames. And people. And noise. Just for a moment. It was like watching a whole day go past in a second! What happened?’
‘Veil,’ Otto said reluctantly, ‘you know how salamanders absorb light?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Veil, zer eels absorb dark light. Not darkness, exactly, but zer light vithin darkness. Dark light. . . you see, dark light. . . veil, it has not been properly studied. It is heavier than normal light, you see, so most of it is under zer sea or in zer really deep caves in Uberwald, but zer is always a little of it even in normal darkness. It really is very fascinating–‘
‘It’s a kind of magical light. Right. Could we just get more towards the point a bit?’
‘I have heard it said that dark light is zer original light from vhich all other types of light came–‘
‘Otto!’
He held up a pale hand. ‘I haf to tell you these things! Haf you
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heard the theory that there is no such thing as zer present? Because if it is divisible, then it cannot be zer present, and if it is not divisible, then it cannot have a beginning which connects to zer past and an end that connects to zer future? The philosopher Heidehollen tells us that the universe is just a cold soup of time, all time mixed up together, and vot we call zer passage of time is merely qvantum fluctuations in zer fabric of space-time.’
‘You have very long winter evenings in Uberwald, don’t you?’
‘You see, dark light is held to be zer proof of this,’ Otto went on, ignoring her. ‘It is a light vithout time. Vot it illuminates, you see . . . is not necessarily now.’
He paused, as if waiting for something.
‘Are you saying it takes pictures of the past?’ said Sacharissa.
‘Or zer future. Or somevhere else. Of course, in reality zere is no difference.’
‘And all this you point at people’s heads?’
Otto looked worried. ‘I am finding strange side things. Oh, zer dvarfs say that dark light has odd . . . effects, but zey are very superstitious people so I did not take that seriously. However
He scrabbled among the debris on his bench and picked up an iconograph.
‘Oh, dear. Zis is so complicated,’ said Otto. ‘Look, zer philosopher Kling says zer mind has a dark side and a light side, you see, and dark light . . . is seen by zer dark eyes of zer mind
He paused again.
‘Yes?’ said Sacharissa politely.
‘I vas vaiting for zer roll of thunder,’ said the vampire. ‘But, alas, zis is not Uberwald.’
‘You’ve lost me there,’ said Sacharissa.
‘Veil, you see, if I vas to say something portentous like “zer dark eyes of zer mind” back home in Uberwald, zer would be a sudden crash of thunder,’ said Otto. ‘And if I vas to point at a castle on a towering crag and say “Yonder is . . . zer castle” a volf would be bound to howl mournfully.’ He sighed. ‘In zer old country, zer scenery is psychotropic and knows vot is expected of it. Here, alas, people just look at you in a funny vay.’
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‘All right, all right, it’s a magical light that takes uncanny pictures,’ said Sacharissa.
‘That’s a very . . . newspaper vay of putting it,’ said Otto politely. He showed her the iconograph. ‘Look at zis vun. I vanted a picture of a dvarf vorking in the Patrician’s study and I got zis.’
The picture was a wash of blurs and swirls, and there was a vague outline of a dwarf, lying down on the floor and examining something. But superimposed on this was quite a clear picture of Lord Vetinari. Two pictures of Lord Vetinari, each figure staring at the other.