A man of minor talents and major resentments.The marriage counselor had said that, quietly, to Benita. It had been a revelation, not the fact that Bert had major resentments, she couldn’t have missed knowing that after all these years. But the bit about the minor talent, yes, that was a revelation. Somehow, Benita had come to think of him as being too lazy to live up to his potential. After that, she’d fretted over it, wondering if he thought he had no potential, and if he drank rather than admit it. She felt sad for him and wanted to comfort him, and that coincided with a few days when Bert wasn’t drinking so they had a weeklong second honeymoon, not that she’d ever had a first one. It made her feel better until the next time he got drunk and knocked her down.
It was really hard to be understanding or sympathetic with Bert.
When he was sober, he would sit at the table listening as she begged him to talk to her. He would grunt or utter a monosyllable, or he’d grin, that infuriating grin that told her he was teasing her, goading her. She never got close! Oh, he had good points. He was always good to his mother. He wouldn’t work to help her out with money, but he was always ready to help her out with advice or carrying stuff or taking her somewhere. He never once laid a hand on the children. If he was sober, he was delightful with them: he’d tell the tall stories about places he’d been, things he’d done. He’d take them to the zoo or the playground or the movies. Of course, if he was drunk, he could tongue-lash them raw, so she kept them out of his way when he was that way. But even sober, he never talked with her, and she tried to figure out why that was, what she could do differently. She bought books and tried everything they suggested. After that one try at counseling at the county mental health clinic, there didn’t seem to be any point in trying again.
Even with his drinking cronies, he didn’t talk much, and what little she overheard going on among them was totally predictable. Same stories. Same angers. Same jokes directed at the same targets: women, fags, foreigners, any racial or religious group except their own. Not that they were religious, but they had a common acceptance of what they’d honor and what they wouldn’t. They wouldn’t spit on a cross or the flag or a Bible, but they’d kick a small dog or hit a sassy woman without blinking.
At seventeen, she’d taken him at his own estimation, at his own word. He was an artist. He would have great career. Besides he had brooding good looks, simmering glances, a line of compliments, used often enough with enough other women to sound sincere, though she didn’t know that then. Benita had had no defenses, and she’d very quickly become pregnant with Carlos and defiantly happy about it. Papa said she would be married before the baby was born, or else. He and Mami had a furious argument about it, one of the few Benita could remember. Mami said no, let the baby come, they’d take care of it in the family, Bert wouldn’t be a good husband. Papa said no, Benita had to learn that actions have consequences, good husband or not, she would not have a bastard.
Surprisingly enough Bert wanted to marry her, and she thought marrying him was all she wanted. He even had a place for them to live, with his widowed mother. In fact, as it turned out, Mrs. Shipton had suggested to Bert that he get married so she’d have some company and help in the house, which was something else Benita didn’t know at the time. Benita’s giddy delirium carried her through Carlos’s birth and Angelica’s birth two years later, and partway through the year after that, by which time she had begun to perceive, though still dimly, just what it was she had done.
“You must go to work, Benita.” Mami had said it calmly, as she said most things. “This is the fourth time you have come to me to borrow money for groceries.”