She didn’t answer but let me walk with her. The
Village seemed especially Felliniesque that evening,
litter-strewn Sidewalks clogged with street musicians,
grim-faced college students, squealing packs
of junior high kids wearing oversized clothes pocked
with highpriced holes, empty-eyed bikers, gawking
tourists from the exurbs, and assorted hangers-on.
We walked in silence all the way to the southern
edge of the UGLA campus. Inside the grounds of
the university the pandemonium and bright lights
died and were replaced by tree-shadowed darkness
and a silence so pure it was startling. Except for an
occasional passing car, we were alone.
A hundred yards into the campus I got ‘her to
stop and sit on a bench at a shuttle stop. The buses
BLOOD TEST 135
had stopped running for thenight
near the stop had been turned off. She turned away
and buried her face in her hands.
“Bev–”
“lmust be going nuts,” she mumbled, “running
out .like that.”
I tried, to put my arm around her for comfort but
she jerked away.
“No, I’m okay. Let me spit it out, once and for
She sucked in her breath, bracing herself for an
ordeal.
“Augie and I were–involved. It started pretty
soon after he came to Western Peds. He seemed so
different from the men I’d been meeting. Sensitive,
adventurous. I thought it was serious. I allowed
myself the luxury of romance and it turned to shit.
When you talked about his sleeping around it brought
back all that shit,
“I was a fool, Alex, because he never promised
me anything, never lied ‘to me or told me he was
anything other than what he was. It was me. I
chose to see him as some noble knight. Maybe he
came. along at a time when I was ready to believe
anything, I don’t know. We slept together for six
months. Meanwhile he was making it with every
woman he could findmnurses, lady docs, mothers.
“I know what you’re thinking. He’s an unethical
creep. I dotbtI can convince you of this, but he’s
not a bad man, just a weak one. He was always
loving and gentle. And open. When I confronted
him with the stories I was hearing he said sure, he
was giving pleasure and receiving:it in return. What
could be wrong’ with that; especially with all the
WAn ‘and suffe .’ring and death we had to deal with.
136
Jonathan Kellerman
He was so convincing I didn’t stop seeing him even
then. It took me a long time to get my head straight.
“1 thought I’d gotten over it until a week ago
when I saw him with Nona. I was out on a date–a
fix-up, a real disaster—at an intimate little Mexican
place not far from the hospital. The two of
them were across the room, tucked away in a dark
little booth. I could barely see them. They were all
over each other. Drinking margaritas and laughing. Tongue-dueling, for God’s sake. Like a couple of
reptiles.”
She stopped, caught her breath.
“It hurt bad, Alex. She was so confident, so beaUtiful.
The jealousy went through me like a knife.
I’d never felt that kind of jealousy before–I was bleeding. Their eyes were horribly orange from the
candlelight. Two vampires. There I was, stuck with
some dull creep, dying for the evening to be over,
and they were just about fucking on the table. It
was obscene.”
Her shoulders shook. She shivered and hugged
herself.
“So you can see why I was so torn about telling
anyone about it. I’d be seen as the woman scorned,
doing it out of spite. That’s a degrading role and
I’ve been degraded enough for a lifetime.”
Her eyes implored me to understand
“Everyone takes a bite out of me and I’m fucking
disappearing, Alex. I want to forget him, her, everyone.
But I can’t. Because of that little boy.”
This time she accepted my comfort and put her
head on my shoulder, her hand in mine.
“You’ve got to get some distance from it,” I said,
“so you can start to see straight again. He may have
been gentle and ‘honest,’ in some perverse way but
he’s no hero. The
best off without him. He’s a druggie,