“Dr. Ballantine said you needed something to eat,” he said softly.
Cassi took the plate automatically. She was hungry but too shocked to eat. “Where is Dr. Ballantine?” she asked hesitantly.
“Cassi, do you love me?” asked Thomas in a pleading voice.
Cassi was nonplussed. It wasn’t what she’d expected to hear. “Of course I love you, Thomas, but …”
Thomas reached out and touched her lips, interrupting her. “If you do, then you should understand that I’m in trouble; I need help, but with your love I know I can get better.”
Cassi’s heart turned over. What had she been thinking? Of course Thomas had nothing to do with the terrible events of the previous night. His sickness was making her equally crazy.
“I know you can,” said Cassi with encouragement. She’d not thought Thomas was capable of having such insight into his own problems.
“I have been taking drugs,” said Thomas, “just as you suspected. I’ve been better this last week, but it’s still a problem, a major problem. I’ve been fooling myself, trying to deny it.”
“Do you really want to do something about it?” asked Cassi.
Thomas’s head shot up. Tears streaked his cheeks. “Desperately, but I can’t do it alone. Cassi, I need you with me, not against me.”
All at once Thomas appeared like a helpless child. Cassi put the plate down and took his hands in hers.
“I’ve never asked for help before,” said Thomas. “I’ve always been too proud. But I know I’ve done some awful things. One thing has led to another. Cassi, you must help me.”
“You need psychiatric attention,” said Cassi, watching Thomas’s response.
“I know,” said Thomas. “I just never wanted to admit it. I’ve been so afraid. And instead of admitting it, I just took more drugs.”
Cassi stared at her husband. It was as if she’d never known him. She struggled with the desire to ask if he’d been responsible for her insulin overdose, or if he had anything to do with Robert’s death, or with any of the cases in the SSD series. But she couldn’t. Not then. Thomas was too broken.
“Please,” he begged. “Stand beside me. It’s been so difficult to admit all this.”
“You’ll have to be hospitalized,” said Cassi.
“I understand that,” said Thomas. “It just cannot be here at the Memorial.”
Cassi stood up and put her hands on his shoulders.
“I agree, the Memorial would not be a good idea. Confidentiality is important. Thomas, as long as you agree to professional care. I’ll stand beside you for as long as it takes. I’m your wife.”
Thomas clasped Cassi in his arms, pressing his wet face against her neck.
Cassi hugged him reassuringly. “There’s a small, private hospital in Weston called the Vickers Psychiatric Institute. I think we should go there.”
Thomas nodded in silent agreement.
“In fact I think we should go immediately. This morning.” Cassi pushed Thomas away so she could see his face.
Thomas looked directly at her. His turquoise eyes seemed clouded with pain. “I’ll do anything you think I should, anything to relieve the anxiety I feel. I can’t bear it any longer.”
The doctor in Cassi conquered all other reservations. “Thomas, you’ve driven yourself so hard. You wanted to succeed so much that the process of winning became more important than the goal. I think it’s a common problem with doctors, particularly surgeons. You mustn’t think you are alone.”
Thomas tried to smile. “I’m not sure I understand, but as long as you do and you won’t leave me, it doesn’t matter.”
“I wish I’d understood sooner.”
Cassi pulled Thomas back into her arms. Despite everything, she felt she had her husband back. Of course she’d stand by him. She of all people knew what it was like to be ill.
“Everything is going to be all right,” she said. “We’ll get the best doctors, the best psychiatrists. I’ve done some reading about impaired physicians. The rate of rehabilitation is almost one hundred percent. All it takes it commitment and desire.”
“I’m ready,” said Thomas.
“Let’s go,” said Cassi, taking his hand.
Like lovers, Thomas and Cassi ignored the morning crowds pouring into the Boston Memorial. Walking arm in arm to the garage in the early morning light, Cassandra kept up a steady stream of enthusiastic conversation about the Vickers Psychiatric Institute. She even told Thomas she had a specific psychiatrist in mind who’d had lots of experience treating other doctors.