“I’m sorry,” said Cassi, reaching for the tissues just as Maureen had. “I didn’t want to do this.”
“Sounds like you needed it. Do you want to talk?”
Cassi took a deep breath. “I don’t know. It all seems so hopeless.” As soon as she said the word, Cassi remembered Maureen had said the same thing.
“What’s so hopeless?” asked Joan.
“Everything,” said Cassi.
“Give me an example,” said Joan, challengingly.
Cassi pulled her hands away from her tear-streaked face.
“I went to the ophthalmologist today. He wants to operate, but I don’t know if I should.”
“What does your husband say?” asked Joan.
“That’s part of the problem.” As soon as Cassi spoke, she regretted it. She knew Joan, being both sensitive and clever, would piece together the whole picture, and, in the back of her mind, Cassi could hear Thomas telling her not to discuss her medical problems with anyone.
Joan took her hand from Cassi’s shoulder. “I think you need someone to talk to. As the official department consult, I’m at your service. Besides, anyone can afford my fee.”
Cassi managed a weak smile. Intuitively she knew she could trust Joan. She needed someone’s insight, and God knows she wasn’t doing too well on her own.
“I don’t know if you have any idea of Thomas’s schedule,” began Cassi. “He works harder than anyone I know. You’d think he was an intern. Last night he stayed in the hospital. Tonight he’ll stay in the hospital. He doesn’t have a lot of extra time …”
“Cassi,” said Joan politely. “I don’t like to interrupt but why not save the excuses. Have you spoken to your husband about this operation?”
Cassi sighed, “I tried to bring it up a few hours ago, but it was the wrong time and place.”
“Listen,” said Joan. “I rarely make judgments. But when it comes to talking about eye surgery with your husband, there is no wrong time or place.”
Cassi digested this comment. She wasn’t sure if she agreed or not.
“What did he say?” asked Joan.
“He said he wasn’t an eye surgeon.”
“Ah, he wants to delegate his responsibility.”
“No,” said Cassi emphatically. “Thomas made sure I went to the best ophthalmologist.”
“It still seems a rather callous reaction.”
Cassi looked down at her hands, thinking Joan was too clever. She had the distinct impression that Joan could take this conversation further than Cassi would like.
“Cassi,” asked Joan, “is everything all right between you and Thomas?”
Cassi could feel the tears filling her eyes again. She tried to stop them but was only partially successful.
“That’s one way of answering,” said Joan empathetically. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Cassi bit her trembling lower lip. “If something happened to my relationship with Thomas,” she said, “I don’t know if I could go on. I think my life would fall apart. I need him desperately.”
“I can sense you feel that way. I also think that you don’t really want to talk about the problem. Am I right?”
Cassi nodded. She felt torn between her fear of Thomas and her guilt at rejecting Joan’s offer of friendship.
“Okay,” said Joan, “but before I go, I think some advice is in order. Maybe it’s presumptuous for me to say this, and it’s certainly not professional, but I have a feeling that you should try to lessen your dependency on Thomas. Somehow I don’t think you give yourself the credit you deserve. And that kind of dependence can really hurt a relationship in the long run. Well, enough unsolicited advice.”
Joan opened Cassi’s door, then stopped. “Did you say that Thomas was going to spend tonight in the hospital?”
“I think he has emergency surgery,” said Cassi, preoccupied with the concept of dependency. “When he does, he usually sleeps over rather than suffer the forty-minute commute.”
“Fine!” said Joan. “Why don’t you come home with me tonight? I’ve got a sofa bed in the living room and a fully stocked refrigerator.”
“And by midnight you’d know all my secrets,” said Cassi, only half in jest.
“I’d be on my honor not to probe,” said Joan.
“Anyway, I can’t,” said Cassi. “I appreciate the offer, but there’s always the chance Thomas might not have surgery and, in that case, he could come home. Under the circumstances I want to be there. Maybe we’ll talk.”