“Okay,” said Dr. Levine, “see you all at afternoon rounds.”
Cassi did not get up immediately. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The anxiousness engendered by the team meeting had hidden her exhaustion, but now that the excitement was over she felt it with a vengeance. She’d had only three hours of sleep. And for Cassi rest was important. Oh, how nice it would have felt to just lay her head down on her arm right there on the conference table.
“I bet you’re tired,” said Joan Widiker, placing her hand on Cassi’s arm. It was a warm, reassuring gesture.
Cassi managed a smile. Joan was genuinely interested in other people. More than anyone, she had taken time to make Cassi’s first week as a psychiatry resident as easy as possible.
“I’ll make it,” said Cassi. Then she added: “I hope.”
“You’ll make it fine,” assured Joan. “In fact you did marvelously this morning.”
“Do you really think so?” asked Cassi. Her hazel eyes brightened.
“Absolutely,” said Joan. “You even drew a compliment of sorts out of Jacob. He liked your description of Colonel Bentworth as inconsistent.”
“Don’t remind me,” said Cassi forlornly. “The truth is I wouldn’t know a borderline personality disorder if I met one at dinner.”
“You probably wouldn’t,” agreed Joan. “Nor would many other people, provided the patient was not having a psychotic episode. Borderlines can be fairly well compensated. Look at Bentworth. He’s a colonel in the army.”
“That did bother me,” said Cassi. “It didn’t seem to be consistent, either.”
“Bentworth can upset anyone,” said Joan, giving Cassi’s arm a supportive squeeze. “Come on. I’ll buy you some coffee in the coffee shop. You look like you could use it.”
“I can use it all right,” agreed Cassi. “But I’m not sure I should take the time.”
“Doctor’s orders,” said Joan, getting up. As they walked down the corridor, she added, “I got Bentworth when I was a first-year resident, and I had the same experience as you did. So I know how you feel.”
“No kidding,” said Cassi, encouraged. “I didn’t want to admit it at the meeting, but I found the colonel frightening.”
Joan nodded. “Look, Bentworth’s trouble. He’s vicious, and he’s smart. Somehow he knows just how to get at people: find their weaknesses. That power, combined with his pent-up anger and hostility, can be devastating.”
“He made me feel completely worthless,” said Cassi.
“As a psychiatrist,” corrected Joan. “As a psychiatrist,” agreed Cassi. “But that’s what I’m supposed to be. Maybe if I could find some similar case histories to read.”
“There is plenty of literature,” said Joan. “Too much. But it’s a little like learning to ride a bike. You could read everything about bicycles, for years, yet when you finally tried to ride it yourself, you wouldn’t be able to. Psychiatry is as much a process as it is knowledge. Come on, let’s get that coffee.”
Cassi hesitated. “Maybe I should get to work.”
“You don’t have any scheduled patient meetings right now, do you?” asked Joan.
“No, but …”
“Then you’re coming.” Joan took her arm and they started walking again. Cassi allowed herself to be led. She wanted to spend a little time with Joan. It was encouraging as well as instructive. Maybe Bentworth would be willing to talk after a night’s rest.
“Let me tell you something about Bentworth,” said Joan, as if reading Cassi’s mind. “Everyone that I know who has taken care of him, myself included, was certain they would cure him. But borderlines in general and Colonel Bentworth in particular don’t get cured. They can get progressively better compensated but not cured.”
As they passed the nurses’ station, Cassi left Bentworth’s chart and asked about her page. “It was Dr. Robert Seibert,” said the aide. “He asked for you to call as soon as possible.”
“Who’s Dr. Seibert?” asked Joan.
“He’s a resident in pathology,” answered Cassi.
“As soon as possible sounds like you’d better call,” said Joan.
“Do you mind?”
Joan shook her head, and Cassi went around the counter to use the phone next to the chart rack. Roxane came over to Joan. “She’s a nice kid,” the nurse said. “I think she’s going to be a real addition around here.” Joan nodded, and they both agreed that Cassi’s insecurity and anxiety were a function of her commitment and dedication.