“I saw the colonel go into your office,” said Maureen. “I thought you said you weren’t going to be here this afternoon.” Her voice was flat and emotionless.
“I hadn’t planned on it,” said Cassi.
“Well, since you are here, can I talk to you for a moment?” asked Maureen timidly.
“Of course,” said Cassi. She watched Maureen advance into the room, closing the door and sitting down.
“Yesterday when we talked …” Maureen hesitated and her eyes filled with tears. Cassi pushed the box of tissues toward the woman.
“You … you asked me if I’d like to see my sister.”
Maureen’s voice was so low that Cassi could barely hear. She nodded quickly, wondering what Maureen was thinking. The woman had not shown much interest in anything since her relapse even though Cassi had started her on Elavil. At team meeting several people had suggested electric shock, but Cassi had argued against it, thinking the Elavil and supportive sessions would be adequate. What amazed Cassi was Maureen’s insight into the dynamics of her condition. But for Maureen an understanding of her illness did not automatically give her the power to influence it.
Maureen acknowledged her hostility to her mother, who had abandoned both Maureen and her younger sister when they were toddlers, and the repressed jealousy she felt toward that pretty younger sister who had run off and married, leaving Maureen to live by herself. Out of desperation she’d married an inappropriate man.
“Do you think my sister would want to see me?” asked Maureen finally, her face wet with tears.
“I think she might,” said Cassi. “But we won’t know unless you ask her.” Maureen blew her nose. Her hair was stringy and in need of a wash. Her face was drawn, and, despite her medication, she’d continued to lose weight.
“I’m afraid to ask her,” admitted Maureen. “I don’t think she’ll come. Why should she? I’m not worth it. It’s hopeless.”
“Just thinking about talking to your sister is a hopeful sign,” Cassi said gently.
Maureen let out a long sigh. “I can’t make up my mind. If I call her and ask her and she says no, then everything will be worse. I want someone else to do it. Would you call her?”
Cassi flushed. She thought of her own indecisiveness in facing Thomas. Maureen’s feelings of dependency and helplessness seemed all too familiar. She too wanted someone else to make her decisions. With exhausting effort, Cassi tried to concentrate on the woman sitting across from her.
“I’m not sure it’s my place to contact your sister,” said Cassi. “But it’s something we can talk about. As far as seeing your sister, I think that is a good idea. Why don’t we talk about it more tomorrow? I think you’re scheduled for a session at two.”
Maureen agreed and, after taking several more tissues, went out, leaving the door open.
Cassi sat for some time, staring blankly at the wall. She felt certain that identifying with one of her patients was a sign of her inexperience.
“Hey! How come you aren’t in team meeting?” said Joan Widiker, doing a double take in the corridor after catching a glimpse of Cassi.
Cassi glanced up but didn’t answer.
“What’s going on?” asked Joan. “You look a little worse for wear.” She stepped into Cassi’s office and sniffed. “And I didn’t know you smoked.”
“I don’t,” said Cassi. “Colonel Bentworth does.”
“He came to see you?” Joan raised her eyebrow. “You’re doing better than you think.” She paused and then sat down.
“I thought I’d let you know that Jerry Donovan and I went out. Have you talked with him?”
Cassi shook her head.
“It didn’t work out too well. All he wanted …” Joan stopped in midsentence. “Cassi, what’s the matter with you?”
Tears overflowed Cassi’s eyes and ran down her cheeks. As she had feared, a friendly presence destroyed her self-control. She finally let go and, dropping her face into her hands, wept openly.
“Jerry Donovan wasn’t that bad,” said Joan, hoping a little humor might help. “Besides, I didn’t give in. I’m still a virgin.”
Cassi’s body shook with sobs. Joan came around the end of the desk and put her arm around her friend’s shoulder. For a few moments she said nothing. As a psychiatry resident, she didn’t have the usual negative reaction to tears that lay people did. From the strength of Cassi’s emotion Joan guessed that she needed the outlet.