P G Wodehouse – Piccadilly Jim

“I was there yesterday, sir. A very exciting game.”

“Exciting? How do you make that out? I sat in the bleachers all afternoon, waiting for something to break loose. Doesn’t anything ever happen at cricket?”

The butler winced a little, but managed to smile a tolerant smile. This man, he reflected, was but an American and as such more to be pitied than censured. He endeavoured to explain.

“It was a sticky wicket yesterday, sir, owing to the rain.”

“Eh?”

“The wicket was sticky, sir.”

“Come again.”

“I mean that the reason why the game yesterday struck you as slow was that the wicket–I should say the turf–was sticky–that is to say wet. Sticky is the technical term, sir. When the wicket is sticky, the batsmen are obliged to exercise a great deal of caution, as the stickiness of the wicket enables the bowlers to make the ball turn more sharply in either direction as it strikes the turf than when the wicket is not sticky.”

“That’s it, is it?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Thanks for telling me.”

“Not at all, sir.”

Mr. Crocker pointed to the paper.

“Well, now, this seems to be the box-score of the game we saw yesterday. If you can make sense out of that, go to it.”

The passage on which his finger rested was headed “Final Score,” and ran as follows:

SURREY

First Innings

Hayward, c Wooley, b Carr……. 67 Hobbs, run out………………. 0 Hayes, st Huish, b Fielder…… 12 Ducat, b Fielder……………. 33 Harrison, not out…………… 11 Sandham, not out…………….. 6 Extras…………………….. 10

Total (for four wickets)……. 139

Bayliss inspected the cipher gravely.

“What is it you wish me to explain, sir?”

“Why, the whole thing. What’s it all about?”

“It’s perfectly simple, sir. Surrey won the toss, and took first knock. Hayward and Hobbs were the opening pair. Hayward called Hobbs for a short run, but the latter was unable to get across and was thrown out by mid-on. Hayes was the next man in. He went out of his ground and was stumped. Ducat and Hayward made a capital stand considering the stickiness of the wicket, until Ducat was bowled by a good length off-break and Hayward caught at second slip off a googly. Then Harrison and Sandham played out time.”

Mr. Crocker breathed heavily through his nose.

“Yes!” he said. “Yes! I had an idea that was it. But I think I’d like to have it once again, slowly. Start with these figures. What does that sixty-seven mean, opposite Hayward’s name?”

“He made sixty-seven runs, sir.”

“Sixty-seven! In one game?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Why, Home-Run Baker couldn’t do it!”

“I am not familiar with Mr. Baker, sir.”

“I suppose you’ve never seen a ball-game?”

“Ball-game, sir?”

“A baseball game?”

“Never, sir.”

“Then, Bill,” said Mr. Crocker, reverting in his emotion to the bad habit of his early London days, “you haven’t lived. See here!”

Whatever vestige of respect for class distinctions Mr. Crocker had managed to preserve during the opening stages of the interview now definitely disappeared. His eyes shone wildly and he snorted like a war-horse. He clutched the butler by the sleeve and drew him closer to the table, then began to move forks, spoons, cups, and even the contents of his plate about the cloth with an energy little short of feverish.

“Bayliss!”

“Sir?”

“Watch!” said Mr. Crocker, with the air of an excitable high priest about to initiate a novice into the Mysteries.

He removed a roll from the basket.

“You see this roll? That’s the home plate. This spoon is first base. Where I’m putting this cup is second. This piece of bacon is third. There’s your diamond for you. Very well, then. These lumps of sugar are the infielders and the outfielders. Now we’re ready. Batter up? He stands here. Catcher behind him. Umps behind catcher.”

“Umps, I take it, sir, is what we would call the umpire?”

“Call him anything you like. It’s part of the game. Now here’s the box, where I’ve put this dab of marmalade, and here’s the pitcher, winding up.”

“The pitcher would be equivalent to our bowler?”

“I guess so, though why you should call him a bowler gets past me.”

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