P G Wodehouse – Piccadilly Jim

A great sympathy for Ann welled up in him. No wonder she hated the memory of Jimmy Crocker.

It is probable that remorse would have tortured him even further, had he not chanced to turn absently to page forty-six and read a poem entitled “Love’s Funeral.” It was not a long poem, and he had finished it inside of two minutes; but by that time a change had come upon his mood of self-loathing. He no longer felt like a particularly mean murderer. “Love’s Funeral” was like a tonic. It braced and invigourated him. It was so unspeakably absurd, so poor in every respect. All things, he now perceived, had worked together for good. Ann had admitted on the boat that it was his satire that had crushed out of her the fondness for this sort of thing. If that was so, then the part he had played in her life had been that of a rescuer. He thought of her as she was now and as she must have been then to have written stuff like this, and he rejoiced at what he had done. In a manner of speaking the Ann of to-day, the glorious creature who went about the place kidnapping Ogdens, was his handiwork. It was he who had destroyed the minor poetry virus in her.

The refrain of an old song came to him.

“You made me what I am to-day! I hope you’re satisfied!”

He was more than satisfied. He was proud of himself.

He rejoiced, however, after the first flush of enthusiasm, somewhat moderately. There was no disguising the penalty of his deed of kindness. To Ann Jimmy Crocker was no rescuer, but a sort of blend of ogre and vampire. She must never learn his real identity–or not until he had succeeded by assiduous toil, as he hoped he would, in neutralising that prejudice of the distant past.

A footstep outside broke in on his thoughts. He thrust the book quickly back into its place. Ann came in, and shut the door behind her.

“Well?” she said eagerly.

Jimmy did not reply for a moment. He was looking at her and thinking how perfect in every way she was now, as she stood there purged of sentimentality, all aglow with curiosity to know how her nefarious plans had succeeded. It was his Ann who stood there, not the author of “The Lonely Heart.”

“Did you ask her?”

“Yes. But–”

Ann’s face fell.

“Oh! She won’t let him come back?”

“She absolutely refused. I did my best.”

“I know you did.”

There was a silence.

“Well, this settles it,” said Jimmy. “Now you will have to let me help you.”

Ann looked troubled.

“But it’s such a risk. Something terrible might happen to you. Isn’t impersonation a criminal offence?”

“What does it matter? They tell me prisons are excellent places nowadays. Concerts, picnics–all that sort of thing. I shan’t mind going there. I have a nice singing-voice. I think I will try to make the glee-club.”

“I suppose we are breaking the law,” said Ann seriously. “I told Jerry that nothing could happen to us except the loss of his place to him and being sent to my grandmother to me, but I’m bound to say I said that just to encourage him. Don’t you think we ought to know what the penalty is, in case we are caught?”

“It would enable us to make our plans. If it’s a life sentence, I shouldn’t worry about selecting my future career.”

“You see,” explained Ann, “I suppose they would hardly send me to prison, as I’m a relation–though I would far rather go there than to grandmother’s. She lives all alone miles away in the country, and is strong on discipline–but they might do all sorts of things to you, in spite of my pleadings. I really think you had better give up the idea, I’m afraid my enthusiasm carried me away. I didn’t think of all this before.”

“Never. This thing goes through, or fails over my dead body. What are you looking for?”

Ann was deep in a bulky volume which stood on a lectern by the window.

“Catalogue,” she said briefly, turning the pages. “Uncle Peter has heaps of law books. I’ll look up kidnapping. Here we are. Law Encyclopedia. Shelf X. Oh, that’s upstairs. I shan’t be a minute.”

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