“Cosy Moments, Comrade Gooch,” Psmith replied. “Immediately behind you, between you and the door, is Comrade Windsor, our editor. I am Psmith. I sub-edit.”
For a moment the inwardness of the information did not seem to come home to Mr. Gooch. Then it hit him. He spun round. Billy Windsor was standing with his back against the door and a more than nasty look on his face.
“What’s all this?” demanded Mr. Gooch.
“I will explain all,” said Psmith soothingly. “In the first place, however, this matter of Comrade Spaghetti’s rent. Sooner than see that friend of my boyhood slung out to do the wandering-child- in-the-snow act, I will brass up for him.”
“Confound his rent. Let me out.”
“Business before pleasure. How much is it? Twelve dollars? For the privilege of suffocating in this compact little Black Hole? By my halidom, Comrade Gooch, that gentleman whose name you are so shortly to tell us has a very fair idea of how to charge! But who am I that I should criticise? Here are the simoleons, as our young friend, Comrade Maloney, would call them. Push me over a receipt.”
“Let me out.”
“Anon, gossip, anon.–Shakespeare. First, the receipt.”
Mr. Gooch scribbled a few words in his notebook and tore out the page. Psmith thanked him.
“I will see that it reaches Comrade Spaghetti,” he said. “And now to a more important matter. Don’t put away that notebook. Turn to a clean page, moisten your pencil, and write as follows. Are you ready? By the way, what is your Christian name?… Gooch, Gooch, this is no way to speak! Well, if you are sensitive on the point, we will waive the Christian name. It is my duty to tell you, however, that I suspect it to be Percy. Let us push on. Are you ready, once more? Pencil moistened? Very well, then. ‘I’–comma– ‘being of sound mind and body’–comma–‘ and a bright little chap altogether’–comma–Why, you’re not writing.”
“Let me out,” bellowed Mr. Gooch. “I’ll summon you for assault and battery. Playing a fool game like this! Get away from that door.”
“There has been no assault and battery yet, Comrade Gooch, but who shall predict how long so happy a state of things will last? Do not be deceived by our gay and smiling faces, Comrade Gooch. We mean business. Let me put the whole position of affairs before you; and I am sure a man of your perception will see that there is only one thing to be done.”
He dusted the only chair in the room with infinite care and sat down. Billy Windsor, who had not spoken a word or moved an inch since the beginning of the interview, continued to stand and be silent. Mr. Gooch shuffled restlessly in the middle of the room.
“As you justly observed a moment ago,” said Psmith, “the staff of Cosy Moments is taking big risks. We do not rely on your unsupported word for that. We have had practical demonstration of the fact from one J. Repetto, who tried some few nights ago to put us out of business. Well, it struck us both that we had better get hold of the name of the blighter who runs these tenements as quickly as possible, before Comrade Repetto’s next night out. That is what we should like you to give us, Comrade Gooch. And we should like it in writing. And, on second thoughts, in ink. I have one of those patent non-leakable fountain pens in my pocket. The Old Journalist’s Best Friend. Most of the ink has come out and is permeating the lining of my coat, but I think there is still sufficient for our needs. Remind me later, Comrade Gooch, to continue on the subject of fountain pens. I have much to say on the theme. Meanwhile, however, business, business. That is the cry.”
He produced a pen and an old letter, the last page of which was blank, and began to write.
“How does this strike you? “he said. “‘I’–(I have left a blank for the Christian name: you can write it in yourself later)–‘ I, blank Gooch, being a collector of rents in Pleasant Street, New York, do hereby swear’–hush, Comrade Gooch, there is no need to do it yet–‘that the name of the owner of the Pleasant Street tenements, who is responsible for the perfectly foul conditions there, is–‘ And that is where you come in, Comrade Gooch. That is where we need your specialised knowledge. Who is he?”