Psmith waved his hands.
“Gentlemen, gentlemen,” he said, “let us not descend to mere personalities. I thought I had introduced you. This, Comrade Jarvis, is Mr. Wilberfloss, the editor of this journal. These, Comrade Wilberfloss–Zam-buk would put your nose right in a day–are, respectively, Bat Jarvis and Long Otto, our acting fighting-editors, vice Kid Brady, absent on unavoidable business.”
“Kid Brady !” shrilled Mr. Wilberfloss. “I insist that you give me a full explanation of this matter. I go away by my doctor’s orders for ten weeks, leaving Mr. Windsor to conduct the paper on certain well-defined lines. I return yesterday, and, getting into communication with Mr. Philpotts, what do I find? Why, that in my absence the paper has been ruined.”
“Ruined?” said Psmith. “On the contrary. Examine the returns, and you will see that the circulation has gone up every week. Cosy Moments was never so prosperous and flourishing. Comrade Otto, do you think you could use your personal influence with that dog to induce it to suspend its barking for a while? It is musical, but renders conversation difficult.”
Long Otto raised a massive boot and aimed it at the animal, which, dodging with a yelp, cannoned against the second cat and had its nose scratched. Piercing shrieks cleft the air.
“I demand an explanation,” roared Mr. Wilberfloss above the din.
“I think, Comrade Otto,” said Psmith, “it would make things a little easier if you removed that dog.”
He opened the door. The dog shot out. They could hear it being ejected from the outer office by Master Maloney. When there was silence, Psmith turned courteously to the editor.
“You were saying, Comrade Wilberfloss?”
“Who is this person Brady? With Mr. Philpotts I have been going carefully over the numbers which have been issued since my departure–”
“An intellectual treat,” murmured Psmith.
“–and in each there is a picture of this young man in a costume which I will not particularise–”
“There is hardly enough of it to particularise.”
“–together with a page of disgusting autobiographical matter.”
Psmith held up his hand.
“I protest,” he said. “We court criticism, but this is mere abuse. I appeal to these gentlemen to say whether this, for instance, is not bright and interesting.”
He picked up the current number of Cosy Moments, and turned to the Kid’s page.
“This,” he said. “Describing a certain ten-round unpleasantness with one Mexican Joe. ‘Joe comes up for the second round and he gives me a nasty look, but I thinks of my mother and swats him one in the lower ribs. He hollers foul, but nix on that. Referee says, “Fight on.” Joe gives me another nasty look. “All right, Kid,” he says; “now I’ll knock you up into the gallery.” And with that he cuts loose with a right swing, but I falls into the clinch, and then—!'”
“Bah!” exclaimed Mr. Wilberfloss.
“Go on, boss,” urged Mr. Jarvis approvingly. “It’s to de good, dat stuff.”
“There!” said Psmith triumphantly. “You heard? Comrade Jarvis, one of the most firmly established critics east of Fifth Avenue, stamps Kid Brady’s reminiscences with the hall-mark of his approval.”
“I falls fer de Kid every time,” assented Mr. Jarvis.
“Assuredly, Comrade Jarvis. You know a good thing when you see one. Why,” he went on warmly, “there is stuff in these reminiscences which would stir the blood of a jelly-fish. Let me quote you another passage to show that they are not only enthralling, but helpful as well. Let me see, where is it? Ah, I have it. ‘A bully good way of putting a guy out of business is this. You don’t want to use it in the ring, because by Queensberry Rules it’s a foul; but you will find it mighty useful if any thick-neck comes up to you in the street and tries to start anything. It’s this way. While he’s setting himself for a punch, just place the tips of the fingers of your left hand on the right side of his chest. Then bring down the heel of your left hand. There isn’t a guy living that could stand up against that. The fingers give you a leverage to beat the band. The guy doubles up, and you upper-cut him with your right, and out he goes.’ Now, I bet you never knew that before, Comrade Philpotts. Try it on your parishioners.”