“I knew it!” Tante Lulu whooped, slapping her knee with a hand, which set her bells to jingling. “This is yer lucky day, boy, ’cause I been thinkin’ ’bout becomin’ a dick.”
That pronouncement boggled his mind till he realized that the old lady meant private eye and that she was offering to help clear his name.
He heard Charmaine giggle at his discomfort.
“Uh, thanks for the offer, but no thanks.”
“Are you still an animal doctor?”
Raoul’s heart wrenched with pain, and he couldn’t breathe for a second. This was definitely a subject he did not want to discuss. Finally, after unclenching his fists, he said tersely, “I lost my veterinary license when I went to prison.”
“Oh, Raoul.” That was Charmaine speaking. Her eyes were filled with sympathy.
Yep, that’s what I want from you, babe. Pity. And now you call me Raoul. Talk about bad timing!
“Being a vet was always the most important thing in the world to you.”
Not the most important thing. “I’ll get it back.”
“I hope so,” she replied softly.
Before Tante Lulu had a chance to voice her opinion, he steered the conversation in another direction. “What’s the reason for the binge, Charmaine?”
“None of your business.” She licked her flame red lips, which were probably desensitized from all the booze.
He’d like a shot at sensitizing them up.
No, no, no! I would not. That would be a bad idea. I am not going to fall for Charmaine again. No way!
Still, if she doesn’t stop licking those kiss-me-quick lips, I might just leap over the table and do it for her.
Back at the beginning of time—probably post-Garden of Eden since Adam was a dunce, for sure, when it came to Eve—men had learned an important lesson that even today hadn’t sunk in with women. The female of the species should never lick anything in front of the male. Licking gave men ideas. Raoul would bet his boots good ol’ Eve had licked that apple first before offering it to Adam. So, keep on lickin’, Charmaine, and you might just see what’s tickin’.
“The Mafia is after her,” Tante Lulu said. “And her life’s in the outhouse.”
“The toilet,” Charmaine corrected her aunt, with another lick.
“Huh?” Raoul had lost his train of thought somewhere between Charmaine’s new virginity and her licking exercise.
“You asked why Charmaine’s on a binge. And I said the Mafia is after her,” Tante Lulu explained. “You thick or sumpin’, boy?”
Raoul should have been insulted, but it was hard to get angry with the old lady, who didn’t really mean any offense. Tante Lulu just smiled at him. Every time she moved, the bells on her belly dancer outfit chimed.
“Great outfit, by the way,” he remarked. It was always smart to stay on Tante Lulu’s good side.
“It’s a bedleh,” she informed him.
He said, “How interesting!” Then he addressed Charmaine. “What’s this about the Mafia, darlin’?”
“Don’t call me darlin’. I am not your darlin’.” How like Charmaine to home in on the most irrelevant thing he’d said.
“They’s gonna kill her, or break her knees,” Tante Lulu interjected.
“How about her doo-hickey?” he teased.
But Tante Lulu took him seriously. “They doan know ’bout that yet.”
“Tante Lulu! I can speak for myself,” Charmaine said. She turned to him, slowly, as if aware she might topple over—which seemed a real possibility. “I just have a little money problem to settle with Bucks ‘r Us.”
Her words were slurred a bit, but he got the message. “A loan shark? You borrowed money from a loan shark?”
“Doan’s’pose you have fifty thousand dollars to spare?” Tante Lulu inquired of him.
“Fifty thou?” he mouthed to Charmaine, who just nodded. “No, I can’t say that I do.”
Charmaine probably hadn’t expected him to help her, and the question hadn’t even come from her. Still, her shoulders drooped with disappointment.
In that moment, despite everything the flaky Charmaine had ever done to him, he wished he could help.
“So, you can see why Charmaine’s a bit depressed,” Tante Lulu said. “That, on top of her pushin’ thirty, not havin’ a date fer six months, and being married and divorced four times. Who wouldn’t be depressed by that?” Tante Lulu stood then, her bells ting-a-linging, and said, “I’m outta here. Gotta go to belly dance class. Will you take Charmaine home, Rusty?”