“Mojo. Ain’t you ever watched those Austin Powers movies? Tee-John watches ’em on the DeeVeeDeedy all the time.”
“I might have seen one or two.” They were really popular in prison, where any excuse to laugh was welcome. “But I can’t imagine in a million years that you would know what mojo is.”
“Mojo is manly magnetism. What draws the wimmen to ya like flies on a honey pot.”
He put his elbows on the table and rested his chin on his cupped palms. “I gotta admit, there haven’t been many flies on my honey pot lately.” This is the most incredible conversation of my life. Not even the ones I’ve held with Charmaine—and there have been some doozies—could match this.
“See. I toldja. Not to worry, boy, I’m here to help. And St. Jude, too.”
Well, that sure makes me feel better.
“And lookee over there.” She pointed to a big wooden chest sitting in the middle of the dining room. “Thass your hope chest.”
I have a headache the size of a bayou barge. If I keep on talking with this dingbat, she’s going to make my brain explode. He didn’t have the heart to be unkind to her, though, so he tried to talk sensibly to her. “Men don’t have hope chests, Tante Lulu.”
“The men in my family do. I started you out with a Cajun crazy quilt, some homespun towels, and lotsa doilies.”
Yep, that’s what I need in my life. Doilies. Then, the first part of what she’d said registered in his increasingly fuzzy head, and Raoul felt oddly touched that Tante Lulu considered him part of her family.
As if reading his mind, she said, “You and Charmaine are still married. I’m thinkin’ you should work things out. So, you’re family, whether you like it or not.”
“I’m not so sure about working things out. Both of us are hesitant.” Resistant would be a far better word. “Charmaine wants forever, and I… well…” He shrugged.
“You want a fling?” she guessed.
Tante Lulu always surprised people by being more perceptive than she appeared to be.
“You’ll come around,” she promised, patting him on the shoulder.
“Uh. One question. How did you know I lost my… uh, mojo?”
“Charmaine.”
“Charmaine told you I lost my mojo?”
“Nah. Charmaine said she’s still a virgin.”
“I can tell you, for sure, that Charmaine isn’t a virgin.”
“A born-again virgin,” Tante Lulu emphasized. “Anyhows, I’m here now. Me ‘n Clarence will help you get your mojo back. Charmaine’ll be warmin’ yer mattress in no time.”
“Tante Lulu! I’m surprised at you.”
“Why? You and Charmaine is married. It’s not like you’d be involved in any hanky-panky. I mean, yeah, it would be hanky-panky, but it would be legal like.”
I do not want my love life directed by this looney bird.
“Do any of those rifles in the gun closet in the living room work?” she asked.
It was always hard to follow a conversation with Tante Lulu because she changed direction so often. “Uh, I think so. Why?”
“Well, if no one else is gonna shoot me an animal, I’m thinkin’ I best shoot my own turkey fer the Thanksgiving feast. Mebbe two turkeys, with the mob what’ll be here.”
Raoul didn’t know which question to ask first. “What turkeys?” There are no turkeys on this ranch, as far as I know. “What feast?” This is the first I’ve heard of a feast. “What mob?” Oh, my God! Are there a bunch of people about to invade my home?
Tante Lulu just smiled. “Not to worry, boy. Your auntie is here now. Everything’s gonna be all right.”
Raoul was pretty sure everything was not going to be all right. He should tell her to hop back in that copter with Remy and fly away. No busybodies welcome at the Triple L. Instead, he said, “Thank you.”
Friends in low—uh, high—places?
Raoul found Charmaine in the barn with Remy.
She was sitting on a bale of hay with a basket of eggs in her lap. Wearing a white blouse pulled off the shoulders and cutoff jeans—cut off way too high, if you asked him, which no one did—she looked like a freakin’ Daisy Mae. And Remy, showing off his good side, from this angle, was leaning against a support beam, listening intently to something Charmaine was saying and smiling down at her. Li’l Abner, for sure. If he didn’t know they were half brother and sister, he might have been jealous.