“You, too-sister,” Magda said with difficulty. It was the first time in her life that she had ever spoken the word in the intimate mode.
One by one the women dropped away into sleep. Magda was almost too weary to think straight. I can’t go to a Guild-house and let Peter die by torture! An oath under duress is not valid … my first loyalty is to the Empire.
She was very weary; sleep began, against her will, to steal over her. Bits and pieces of the oath seemed to echo in her mind. Bear no child except at my own will … did I want Peter’s child, then? If not, why did I cry that way? Or did I only want to want it … because I had failed him so?
She thought, at the very edge of sleep, that she would rather like to go to a Guild-house, if it were not for her mission. I could be as strong and effective here, as-an Amazon, as on any planet where women are free. Whatever I do, I am forsworn. I can betray my oath to my sisters-or betray my first allegiance to the Empire. All my life, never knowing it, I have been two women: one Terran, one Darkovan. And now 1 am torn. I must betray someone, or Peter dies by torture.
Is Peter worth the sacrifice of my integrity? Can I give up that, too? With a life at stake?
Sleep took her suddenly, and she plummeted into it like bottomless darkness.
She dreamed of Peter Haldane; he was lying in the dark, on stone; cold and alone and frightened. And it seemed to her that as he had done only once or twice in the brief term of their love, he held out his hands to her, laid his head against her breast: off guard, vulnerable, no longer concerned to keep up the mask of strength, of masculine infallibility. She kissed him and soothed him in her dream, and he whispered to her, “You are the only one I can trust, Mag. I trust you. Everybody else is out to cut my throat, but you don’t compete. I’m not afraid of you, Mag, you’re the only one I’m not afraid of.” And she wanted to cry but knew she could not, that it was for her now to be strong enough for both of them. … In the dream she wiped away his tears and comforted him, saying, “Darkover is not an easy world for men, either.” But when she woke she was alone, in her lonely and solitary bed.
Chapter TEN
Magda woke late; it was full daylight in the shelter, and the Amazons had built up the fire and were cooking breakfast. She closed her eyes, pretending sleep, knowing that she could delay the decision no longer.
I took the oath to gain time. I do not want to break it. I have learned-and learned too late that I am almost more Darkovan than Terran, and an oath is sacred. But that does not matter now. I cannot let Peter die, alone and by torture. 1 am an agent of Terra, and Peter is my colleague.
Once she had formulated that clearly, all the emotional reasons on the other side surged up inside her; but she forced them down with a great effort, her face set in rigid calm. I have made my decision. I will not even think about any other possibility.
Even if it’s a wrong decision?
Stop that! No more wavering!
She set about wondering how she could carry it out. They were planning to send her to the Guild-house at Neskaya, which was a good long way from here. But it was in a different direction from Nevarsin, which was their immediate mission. Surely they would not alter their route to take her to Neskaya; one or, at the most, two would be detailed for that. She would pretend submission until they were off guard and trusted her- How skillful I am at betrayal! -then slip away and take the fastest route back to Thendara. They will be looking for me at Sain Scarp, and if I go directly there, having betrayed my oath to them, they will have a legal right to kill me on sight, and Peter will die, under torture once in Thendara-what then?