The Stainless Steel Rat Sings the Blues by Harry Harrison

“Now hear this. All Stainless Steel Rats will assemble at debarkation station twelve in two minutes. We are now in parking orbit. One minute and fifty-eight seconds. One minute and . . .”

I slammed out into the passageway to escape his voice but it followed me as I fled. I was the last to arrive and I collapsed and joined the others where they slumped on the deck beside our backpacks. The Admiral appeared suddenly behind me like a bad dream and roared his command.

“Attention! On your feet you slovenly crew!”

“Never!” I shouted even louder in a cracked voice. Rolling over to pull the swaying bodies back to the deck.

“Begone foul military fiend! We are musicians, civilians, medically reformed drug addicts and we must think and feel that way. Someday, if we live, you may have some of us back at your military mercy. But not now. Leave us in peace and wait for my reports.”

He snarled a rich naval oath-but had the brains to turn cm his heel and vanish. There was a ragged cheer from my companions which made me feel slightly less sordid. The silence after this was unbroken, except for the occasional groan, until distant motors whirred and the inner lock swung majestically open. A keen clipboard-bearing naval officer stepped t I h rough.

“Landing party for Liokukae?”

“All present, all ill. Send a working party for our gear.”

He muttered into his lapel microphone, reached to the hack of his belt to unclip a pair of handcuffs. Which he promptly snapped onto my wrists.

“Whasha?” I blurted incoherently. Blinking down at the cuffs.

“Don’t give me a hard time, you drug-pushing addict, and I won’t give you one. You may be a big man out there in the galaxy, but here you are just one more sentenced crook. Who is going to carry his own pack-no working party for the likes of you.”

I opened my mouth to verbally assassinate him. Then closed it. It had been my idea that our mission be known to the minimum few. He obviously wasn’t one of them. I groaned to my feet and stumbled into the airlock dragging my gear after me; the others following in like condition. The orbital shuttle ship was grim and cheerless. The hard metal seats snapped clamps on our ankles when we sat down; no dancing in the aisles this trip. We watched in silence as our backpacks were thrown into a storage bin, then looked up at the big screen on the front bulkhead. Lots of stars. They rotated and the bulk of Remorseless swam into sight, grew smaller and dropped behind as the engines fired. Then the pickup turned so that the growing bulk of the planet could be seen and we were treated to a scratchy and static-filled ancient recording of martial music. This died away and was replaced by a male speaker with a repulsive nasal whine.

“Now hear this, prisoners. This is a one-way trip. You will have resisted all efforts at adjustment that would have fitted you to live peacefully in our humane and civilized society . . .”

“Blow it out your rocket tubes’.” Steengo snarled, running his fingers through his gray hair, perhaps to see if it was still there. I would have nodded agreement with his snarl only my head hurt too much.

“. . . brought upon yourselves by your own efforts. Upon landing you will be escorted by armed guards to the gates of the landing station. Your restraints will be removed and you will be given an orientation booklet, a canteen of distilled water, as well as a week’s supply of concentrated survival rations. During that week you will look for small trees bearing hard fruit. These are the polpettone trees and a source of nourishment for all. Their fruit is the result of careful gene mutation and transplant, rich in animal protein. They should not be eaten raw because of the chance of trichinosis, but should be baked or boiled. You must remember . . .”

I wanted to remember nothing he said so I tuned him out. I tried to reassure myself that the normal condemned passenger on, this flight must have done something pretty gruesome to deserve this fate. I wasn’t convinced. Despite millennia of civilization man’s inhumanity to man persisted whenever an opportunity presented itself.

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